Nothing Left
by Unique
Summary: When Lucas hits rock bottom, the crew is left to deal with the aftermath. COMPLETE.
1. Default Chapter

I do not own any of the characters in this piece. This fic is set not long after "In Father's Footsteps." This is a dark piece that may not be for everyone. I do not know if this is the kind of thing someone would enjoy reading but hopefully this part and all subsequent parts will provide you with something new to think about. 

Lucas Wolenczak sat on Tony's bunk with his computer in his lap.He glanced at the clock and bit his lip. He had been sitting there for almost an hour and now his shift was due to start in twenty minutes. Time was running out and he had to get this last thing done. After working all week writing everything out, he would have thought that this final piece would have been easy but it was not. He did not seem to know where to start. There was so much he wished to say but words were so meaningless. He owed them an explanation though. It was the least he could do for them for what he was about to put all of them through. In a way he was being selfish; a coward. With trembling hands he started to type:

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone. I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left. Everything had changed and I couldn't change fast enough to catch up. Everyday was a new onslaught of changes. More people dying or leaving. New enemies that I didn't understand. Old friends that had become strangers. 

I thought that becoming an ensign would help. At least I would still be on seaQuest with my friends. I was wrong though. I began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony. I tried to act like a good officer but I don't know how. Everything I did was a failure. Trying to impress Captain Hudson only made things worse. I tried to act like an adult but I screwed that up too. I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did. 

I can't leave seaQuest. She's the only home I've ever known. He won't keep me here much longer though. I've screwed up way too many times. I can't believe he kept me here after I pulled a gun on him and I know the next mistake will be my last. I'll be gone for sure then. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time. There's a way I can be here forever though. I'll never have to leave. I'll never cry myself to sleep again or lie in bed wishing I had tears left so that maybe I could ease the ache in my chest. 

I don't have many regrets. Just two. I'm sorry that I'm going to hurt all of you. You deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I wish that my death could have been more like Brody's death. I've been worthless and in the way all of my life. It would have been nice for my death to have meant something. I can't wait on the slight chance that I might get killed before I'm kicked off. No, it has to be now. 

I just wanted to explain why. I didn't want you to sit there wondering and maybe blaming yourselves. It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way. I wrote everyone letters saying goodbye. You should be receiving them in a few minutes. I'm sorry for all of this. Tell the Captain that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disobey orders but I had to try and save my father. He loved me. I had to try. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. Goodbye.

Lucas stared at the words on the screen. They did not seem adequate. It was too jumbled. He was out of time though and they would have to do. Soon someone would be missing him on the bridge and he could not have them interrupting him. He set the timer that would deliver his e-mails in ten minutes. The final steps to his death had begun. The void that had enveloped him and shielded him from the pain of everyday life was giving away to a rare feeling of peace. He was going to die soon. Suddenly, nothing could hurt him anymore. It would all be over soon and Lucas felt nothing but relief. He stood then brushing the stray tears, that had fallen while he was writing the suicide note, from his face. 

Reaching into one of his drawers, he pulled out an antique revolver that he had bought on their last shore leave. He had planned to give it to Tony for his birthday but now he had use for it. Checking to see that it was loaded, he removed the saftey. He slowly raised the gun so that it was pressed into his temple and froze horrified. How could he have been so stupid? How could he have been so blind? He could not kill himself here. He could not do that to Tony. He did not want him to have to come into his room every night an think: 'This is where Lucas did it.' He could not do that to any of his friends. He would just have to find somewhere that none of them went. Somewhere nearby so that he could get there before Hudson sent someone from the bridge looking for him. Thinking for a minute, he dropped the gun into his pocket and slipped out into the corridor. 

On the bridge, Captain Hudson was just noticing that his science officer was missing.Although he was still angry at the boy over the whole incident with his father, he knew Wolenczak was having a tough time and had resolved to go a little easier on him. He was ready to excuse a little tardiness but when the clock reached five minutes Hudson felt his patience break. 

"Where's Wolenczak?" he growled to the crew. They all looked around confused, just realizing that he was not there. 

"Perhaps he is running a little late, sir," began Commander Ford seeking to pacify the Captain.

"Raise his PAL," Hudson ordered O'Neill who swallowed nervously and hurriedly began pushing the correct buttons. 

Lucas was standing in the middle of a supply room when his PAL beeped. He paused to consider it for a moment then cut it on.

"Ensign Wolenczak," he answered roughly. 

"Ensign, I suggest you get yourself to the bridge immediately and you had better have a good excuse for being late." The Captain's angry voice growled out through the small machine. 

"I can't, sir," replied Lucas raising the gun to his temple again. 

"What do you mean you can't?!" barked Hudson infuriated. The rest of the crew exchanged worried glances. 

"I'm sorry, sir," whispered Lucas half sobbing. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry."

The loud crack of a single gun shot silenced the bridge. 


	2. Oliver Hudson

This piece took longer than I expected. Thank you for all of the reviews and I will try to get the next part up as soon as possible. 

Everyone sat frozen, stunned. No one could move or think. Captain Hudson was the first to recover.

"O'Neill! Where is Wolenczak?" he practically shouted to the Lieutenant. 

"I'm tracing his PAL signal now," replied O'Neill after a moment's hesitation to gather himself together. Soon the trace was complete and the answer appeared on the screen in front of him. "Storage Room 85,sir."

"Get a medteam there now. Piccolo, come with me. Commander, you have the bridge." With that Hudson turned and ran from the bridge. He was oblivious to the strange looks that the rest of the crew was giving him as he hurried through the boat or whether Tony had followed him or not. All Hudson could focus on was the hope that when he reached Lucas there would be something left to save. The storage room was just down the hall from Tony and Lucas's quarters. He reached it before the medteam did. He pushed the hatch open and froze at the sight before him. Behind him Tony's breath caught in his throat in a half sob. 

Lucas lay crumpled in the middle of the small room. The gun lay innocently where it had fallen beyond Lucas's out-stretched hand. There was a small pool of blood encircling his head like a halo. There were no gaping holes like Hudson had been expecting, instead Lucas looked peaceful. He knelt beside the boy and felt for a pulse. A faint hint of a beat touched his fingertips. Leaning closer he felt the slight breeze of Lucas's breaths against his cheek. Looking up to meet Tony's eyes a small smile of hope crossed his face.

"He's not gone yet."

Just then the medteam arrived and the Captain was forced to back off and get out of their way.He watched them from the doorway for a moment then placing a hand on Tony's shoulder drew him out into the corridor. The kid was shaking and standing there watching was not doing him any good. He needed to get him away from this. He did not know what he had been thinking when he had ordered Tony to follow him. He also needed to check out their quarters before Tony got a chance. In the meanwhile, the medteam had Lucas ready for transport. 

"Tony, I need you to go back to the bridge. Tell everyone there that Lucas is still alive. Have Commander Ford call up the secondary crew to replace everyone. I will be down at medbay. Have all of his friends gather in the wardroom and I will bring any updates as soon as possible." Tony nodded at the Captains orders and turned to leave. Hudson watched him walk woodenly down the hallway before turning back to the medteam. They were beginning to move now. He wanted to follow them but he knew that there was something he had to do first. 

Captain Hudson slowly opened the hatch to Lucas and Tony's quarters.It was the first time he had ever been inside and he was not sure what to expect. The room was neater than he would have imagined it to be. They must have cleaned up recently. Standing in the room brought the crushing truth down on him. His ensign had tried to kill himself. He closed his eyes for a moment against the pain that thought brought then refocused on the task at hand. He inspected the room slowly for any signs Lucas may have left behind. Spotting a stray bullet on the floor, he picked it up and slipped it into his pocket. That was exactly the type of thing he did not want Piccolo finding. Not seeing a note anywhere, Hudson flipped on the monitor of Lucas's computer. He read the first line and closed the program. He put the disk it was stored on in his other pocket. He did not feel right reading it here. He would rather wait until he could share it with everyone in the wardroom. Giving the room a final inspection, Hudson exited the room closing the hatch behind him and made his way down to medbay. 

He was not surprised to find several members of the senior staff already waiting even though he had hoped that they would have remained in the wardroom. O'Neill and Piccolo sat in hard plastic chairs in the small waiting area while Ford paced in front of them. All three had been crying. They turned and stared at him when he walked into the room. Piccolo wore a slightly accusing look as if wanting to know where Hudson had been. O'Neill's stare was decidedly hostile. He did not like the Lieutenant and his feelings were reciprocated. The communications man was too much of a pacifist for his liking. He was also partly responsible for Fredericks's death. The Lieutenant seemed to blame him for everything bad that had happened to seaQuest since she was airlifted from that cornfield. He probably blamed Hudson for Lucas too. And he was probably right. Hudson pushed the thought away struggling to stay focused. This was not the time for him to deal with this. He could deal with this later, in private, when his crew was not depending on him to be strong. 

He sat in the third chair and turned his gaze to the floor. Realizing that he was not going to say anything, Ford resumed his pacing. Some time later, he did not know how long, Hudson looked up from his mindless inspection of the floor and returned his attention to his men. They seemed to be holding up well all things considering. O'Neill was muttering to himself. It sounded like a prayer but since it was not in English Hudson could not be sure. Piccolo was staring at the floor clenching and unclenching his fists. Ford was wearing a hole in the floor. Perhaps it would help if he found them something to do. 

"Commander, would you go check on the bridge crew?" ordered Hudson. Ford gave him a quizzical look but nodded and left the room.

"Lieutenant, Warrant Officer, would the two of you go arrange for some food and coffee to be delivered to the ward room? I will be up there shortly." O'Neill looked like he was going to protest but he looked over at Tony first. When Tony nodded they stood up and left.He was alone now. It was both a relief and a burden. It was easier to maintain his composure but harder to find a reason to do so. He absently fingered the disk in his pocket and continued to wait. A few minutes later one of the nurses came into the room. Hudson anxiously rose to his feet.

"Well?" he said impatiently. 

"Wolenczak survived the surgery. Dr. Perry will be out as soon as she has finished cleaning up."

"Have her come up to the ward room when she is finished. She can inform everyone there." Just like he had not wanted the read Lucas's note, he felt that the doctor's news was something that needed to be shared in front of everyone. He stood shaking his feet where they had fallen asleep. It was time for him to make his way to the wardroom. He picked up his PAL and called Commander Ford. "Commander, make sure everyone is gathered in the ward room who should be there. I have a note from Lucas that needs to be read and the doctor will be coming up in a few minutes to update us on his condition."

When Hudson reached the wardroom a crowd of silent grief-stricken people greeted him. Piccolo and O'Neill were still standing together drawing strength from each other. Ford had his arms around Henderson who was crying. There were several computer technicians standing together in a group and an assortment of other crewmembers standing around the room. The dagger, Dagwood, was standing near the Commander looking lost and confused. He probably did not understand what was going on. Hudson was surprised to see Kimura standing in the corner. She was the last person he would have expected to be here. He maneuvered his way to the head of the table and cleared his throat to get everyone's attention.

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." In the silence that greeted his statement he inserted the disk into the computer in front of him and pulled up the file. Putting on his glasses, he began to read aloud, "I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone…. I can be here forever."

Hudson paused to wipe the tears that had begun to fall, from his face. It was his fault. It was all his fault. Oh, god. Refusing to look at the others, he pushed the sounds of their sobs from his attention and forced himself to carry on. Once more he began reading but this time his voice shook with emotion that he could not hide. "I'll never have to leave…

"Please forgive me. Goodbye," finished Hudson once again wiping away tears struggling to maintain his composure. Consumed with guilt he could barely manage to meet anyone's eyes. No one blamed him though. Not even O'Neill. The Captain and his crew were united for the first time since he had taken command of this boat. Lucas had united the ship in sorrow in a way that not even Brody or Fredericks's deaths had been able to accomplish. The only two pairs of dry eyes in the room belonged to Kimura and to Dr. Perry who had arrived just as Hudson was finishing and was still maintaining a professional distance from the whole affair. Dr. Perry made her way to Hudson's position and waited until he found a seat before addressing the room.

"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," she began considering just how to express the diagnosis. "By all rights he should be dead but either the gun misfired somehow or the bullet was faulty. The bullet entered the right temporal lobe of his brain and became lodged there just before the corpus callosum. The damage to the area was extensive but localized. Right now our greatest concern is swelling and infection. The prognosis is uncertain. Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving. That may change in the next few hours. If he lives there is a very good chance that he will be a vegetable. The chances of him waking up and walking away from this with no side effects are slim. If he wakes up we could be looking at severe mental retardation, extreme personality changes, paralysis or anything in between. I'm not telling you to write him off as dead. I'm just telling you not to expect miracles. If he's going to have any chance of surviving though, he's going to need every single one of you fighting on his side. I'm going to allow people in to see him one at a time starting as soon as we are finished here. Force him to fight. Don't let him let go and don't give up hope."

"Everyone should sign up for times to visit Lucas," started Hudson standing up to speak again. " Unless you would like to continue working, you may all have the next two days off. We have a lot to come to terms with and I want everyone to remember that you are not alone in this. Lucas mentioned good-byes in his note so I would assume that many if not all of you will find e-mails from him when you next check your mail. Be prepared. I will leave the wardroom open for anyone who wants to still gather here. Now if you'll excuse me I will be in my cabin."

Hudson stood and walked out of the room. Lost in thought he soon found himself staring at the hatch to his cabin. He opened the hatch and walked inside. He stared absently at his diploma from the academy. There had been a boy at the academy with him who had committed suicide. He had called the boy a coward. He'd said that the navy did not need anyone who would opt for the easy way out anyway so it was just as good that he was dead. But Lucas was not a coward and seaQuest needed Lucas almost as much as Lucas had needed seaQuest. Where had things gone so wrong? Where had HE gone so wrong? Losing a crewman was a failure. Losing a crewman, an officer, this way… It was about as big of a failure a Captain could make. He was supposed to protect his crew. He had not protected Lucas. He had failed Lucas and now Lucas was gone. No, he was not dead yet but after hearing Dr. Perry Hudson knew that even if he woke up, their Lucas was gone forever. And it was his fault. He had failed in his duties as Captain. 

Damn him! How could he do this to everyone?! Why did he lock everything up inside? If he had confided to someone just a little maybe he would not have felt so alone. Maybe none of this would have happened. Why did he think this was the answer? Why this? Why now? How dare he!!! Before he knew what he was doing Hudson had punched the wall. Shaking his hand, Hudson leaned against the wall exhausted. The rage and anger that had filled him moments before had vanished just as suddenly as it had appeared. Remembering Lucas's note, Hudson sat down in front of his e-mail and checked his mail. He did not know if Lucas would have written a goodbye to him. He probably did not deserve one but he hoped there would be one. There was. Opening it he slipped on his glasses and began to read:

Dear Sir,

I am sorry for this burden that I have put on you. I know that as much as I wish it to be otherwise what I have done will hurt my friends. They will need you to help them through this. I know it is unfair for you. I'm sure that you are having trouble dealing with this yourself. It's not your fault, sir. You didn't cause these things that have happened in my life. You couldn't have made things easier. Not even Captain Bridger would have been able to help and he was like a father to me. 

Even before we disappeared, we had already been through so much. We were a very close-knit group and Captain Bridger was our adored leader. Logically we knew that he wasn't perfect but we felt that he was. Then we went away and everything changed. I don't remember much about what happened. I get flashes of images sometimes or feelings and dreams. Horrible violent dreams that leaving me shaking in fright even as they are fading from my memory. It was hell. We lost some very close friends there. Then we came home. Can you imagine what a shock that was? Everything had changed. There was nothing left of the world we once knew. We looked to our beloved leader to guide us and make everything better but he couldn't. Instead he left us. I can kind of understand why he did it but it still felt like a betrayal. He was the father that my father never had time to be and he left me. Things between us were never the same after that. I was so angry with him. Better to be angry than hurt I suppose. And he was so self-righteous. What gave him the right to judge us when he wasn't here? We weren't his crew any more after that. We haven't been his for a long time. I don't know if you know that but it's true. 

We hated you from the moment we first saw you. You embodied everything we hated about this new world. You were military to the bone and ready to fight. We had had enough fighting for a lifetime. We needed a leader. We were desperate for guidance but you hadn't been where we had been and you hadn't seen the things we'd seen. We were forced to fight in a war that made no sense to us. You had a reason to hate these people but all we had was what you were telling us. There was no time for us to adjust before we were sent out into battle. We weren't ready but you forced us to be. 

I was so scared that you would kick me off the boat right then. I didn't have anywhere to go. The few friends that I had had were all ten years older than me now. They had passed me by. My whole life had passed me by. You wanted me to be an adult. You wanted me to act my chronological age. I was lost and trying to hide it. I wanted so bad to impress you. I wish I had been able to win your approval. I know you cared about me though. You cared about all of us even though you tried not to show it. Before I joined seaQuest I had never had much interactions with people. I learned a lot about people on those first two tours but not as much as I did under you. You taught me how to be a leader. I'm just sorry I let you down.

Pulling that gun on you was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. I didn't have much of a choice though. My father had told me that he loved me and for the first time in my life he had meant what he said. I couldn't give up on him when there was a chance that he might still be alive. I was crushed when I found out that he was dead. It had all been for nothing. I had betrayed my Captain for nothing. I don't know why you didn't kick me off right then. I would have. Whenever I look at you I feel ashamed. I've let you down time and time again but you've still kept me on. Why? I don't deserve it. What you have done for Tony is great. He's really making something of himself and it's because of you. You challenged Brody too. Forced him to excel. I envy Tony because he's gotten a grip on his life and I can't. Everyday is a battle for me and I keep hanging on by smaller and smaller margins. The only crewmembers you aren't fair with are Darwin, Dagwood, and O'Neill. Funny how it's easier to say things when you don't have to face the consequences. I know you don't think that the seaQuest is any place for a dolphin but this is his home. He's also much smarter than you give him credit for and he could be of use if you would let him be. I'm not sure what your problem with Dagwood is. I hope it isn't simply his skin. He may not be the brightest of people but he's loyal and honest. I owe him my life such that it is. This is his home too. 

I know what your problem with Tim is but you are wrong. So what if he's not like you or Ford. Tim is loyal and courageous. He would give his life for any member of this crew. Even yours, sir. He is very very good at his job. I know you couldn't find a better communications officer back then and I doubt you can now. He's also a very intelligent and sensitive man who's been through a hell of a lot lately. You've never made the allowances for him that you've made for all of the rest of us but you should have. Fredericks wasn't his fault anymore than it was yours or mine. Neither was Brody. Give him a chance. You won't regret it. 

This is your crew, sir. There are no ghosts watching over your shoulder. We're ready to follow you. The seaQuest is depending on you. You aren't her Captain. Not really. She wasn't meant for war. Bridger was her Captain once but his time is over. Someday in the future she will have another. In the meantime she's yours. Accept the fact that you will never truly be her Captain because the very reasons that prevent you from being so are the reasons that make you the only man who will be able to bring her out of this war in one piece. Any other man would have failed by now but you won't. You will succeed and one day there will be peace again. The dream that seaQuest personifies will live on. The dream that you believe in even if you can't live it. I am proud to have been a member of your crew. Thank you for the honor of serving under you. 

Ensign Lucas Wolenczak

Hudson clicked of his monitor and stared at the blank screen for a moment trying to absorb everything he had read. Some of the things in there explained quite a bit. Lucas was right about O'Neill but Hudson wasn't sure if that could be repaired. He hoped so. He had had no idea that Lucas felt like he did towards Bridger. He was angry at the man now for the way he had treated his crew. Why they had respected him so much he did not know. Maybe he had been different back then. He could see why the crew would have hated him. He had been so eager to assume command of his boat that he had never stopped to consider what they must have been going through. He had failed them then but it would not happen again. 

The last paragraph of that letter meant more to him than Lucas could ever have guessed. He had been having doubts lately especially after losing Fredericks. He had been thinking that maybe someone else would have been more qualified to captain seaQuest. Lucas was right though. It was his duty to see seaQuest through this time of war until there was peace again. He wished he could tell the youth thank you. With that last thought Hudson bowed his head into his hands and began to sob. He cried for his crew who was suffering right now when they had suffered enough in their lives. He cried for the boy lying in medbay right now because he could not face living anymore. He cried because he had not been able to help the precious young genius. He cried because sometimes being the Captain hurt and this was one of those times. 

Just as his tears slowed and stopped, his PAL beeped for his attention. Answering it he was informed that he was needed on the bridge. Washing his face he readied himself to face his crew. Soon he would have to go down and visit Wolenczak but now his crew needed him. Adjusting his uniform the Captain marched out of his cabin to the bridge.


	3. Doctor Perry

For some reason I could never get this part to flow. This deals with less angst than the other two but it contains some points that I wanted to get across. I believe the medical aspects are mostly accurate. If writing this did nothing else, it got me to actually open my anatomy text book. Sorry if you find this one boring. The next will be better. 

Dr. Perry had been in her office trying to make a dent in the ever-growing pile of paperwork that had taken root on her desk when the frantic call for a medteam had come from the bridge. She immediately dispatched a team then tried to get some more specific information from the shaken lieutenant. When she realized what had happened she was shocked. Never in a million years would she have imagined that one of her crew would try to kill themselves. It simply did not happen in her navy. Not even with a crew as traumatized as this one. 

Before she had time to dwell, the medteam began relaying back information. 'Single gunshot wound to the head. Entered right temple. No exit wound,' came the reports. 'BP 90/45. Pulse rapid and weak. Respiration shallow and slow. Pupils unequal.' The boy was in shock. That would make the surgery more difficult. Grabbing some tubing to intubate him with, Dr. Perry went to prepare the operating room. Just as everything was ready the medteam arrived wheeling Lucas in. Even before she inspected him she started him on a round of drugs. One would prevent convulsions while the other would decrease the amount of cerebrospinal fluid surround in his brain. Both were standard prior to brain surgery. The third was a dye for the MRI that would have to be performed before she could go in and operate. She made her own brief inspection of Lucas to confirm the medteam's reports then had him moved to the x-ray room. Time was of the essence here and she wanted to get him into surgery as soon as possible. 

While the x-ray was developing, the technicians moved the MRI equipment into place and began making a scan of his brain. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine the two procedures took a matter of minutes. Soon the results were being displayed so that the medical staff involved could decide on the best plan of action. As the only one with any training in neurosurgery, Dr. Perry would be the one performing the operation. There were currently two other doctors serving under her. One was fresh out of med. school and too inexperience to be of much help though. The other primarily dealt visceral surgeries. The x-ray gave them an exact location for the bullet so they knew where to make the entry. The MRI displayed where the hemorrhaging and tissue damage was primarily located. It gave them an idea of what to expect once they got inside. 

While Dr. Perry got into her scrubs, the other two doctors over saw the final preparations before Lucas would be ready for surgery. Her thoughts were focused solely on the details of the surgery she was about to perform. When she came out, he was on the operating table connected to a ventilator and several monitors. She noticed as she moved into her position how very young and vulnerable he looked. Banishing the thought, she focused on the task at hand. The area around the entry wound had already been shaved with care taken to preserve as much hair as possible. Dr. Perry took a scalpel and gently peeled back the layer of skin revealing the temporal bone below. Using a small hand-held saw, she removed a portion of the cranium so that she could get to the brain. Trying to do as little damage as possible she located the bullet and pulled it out. Going back over the damage she very delicately repaired the ruptured blood vessels. Once there was no more blood seeping into the brain she set about removing and neutralizing the blood that was already there. Blood is toxic to the tissue in the brain so it was imperative that she neutralize every last drop. The procedure was tedious but necessary. Finally Dr. Perry could begin closing the wound. She repaired the torn meninges as best she could but the arachnoid layer was completely destroyed. Hopefully the body would heal it on its own. She replaced the portion of the cranium and fastened it into place. Using the hole caused by the bullet, she inserted a shunt that would be used to try to control swelling following the operation. Finally she stitched the scalp back together and stepped back to watch as a nurse finished bandaging the wound. 

Wearily she made her way out of the room to get cleaned up. She was relieved that Wolenczak had made it through surgery but she did not want to think about the kind of future he was facing if he survived.As she cleaned up she considered how she was going to tell the Captain and Lucas's friends. It was going to be very hard on the crew no matter what happened. A nurse came in and informed her that the Captain was expecting her to report to the wardroom to give everyone an update. Grabbing a cup of coffee she walked back to her office to compose herself. This was the kind of case that made her question why she wanted to be a doctor. For now she was able to maintain a professional distance from everything going on but she knew it was just a matter of time before the personal relationship she had had with the boy would hit home. 

Mentally she began listing some of the scenarios she could be faced with as Lucas recovered or did not recover. He could die. That was currently the most likely scenario. He might never wake up. This was also high on the list of probabilities. She dreaded this possibility the most. It would force the Captain to have to decide on whether to with hold nutrients or not. If he woke up there would be side effects. He could have severe mental or physical disabilities stemming from this that would require him to be institutionalized. That would be kinder for the boy than if there was mild retardation. He would find himself reduced to Dagwood's level but he would be aware of everything he had lost. She could not think of a crueler fate. Even a small impairment would have devastating effects on a genius like him. Physical disabilities might be such that he could re-pattern his brain to overcome them or they might leave him dependent on others and unable to remain on seaQuest. Then there was the possibility of personality changes. Someone completely different might wake up instead of Lucas. That would be the hardest on the crew she thought. His prognosis would depend on how well he responded to the surgery but she knew that whatever happened the future looked grim. For the first time she wondered if maybe it would have been better not to have saved him. She was a doctor and it was her job to save people but in this case…could her job be wrong? Sighing and shaking her head she finished her coffee and went to face the crew. 

The Captain was speaking as she entered the wardroom. She took the time to look around the room. The number of people there surprised her, which made her feel ashamed because she knew that everyone on the boat loved Lucas. He would do anything to help someone else and people admired him for that. It was a pity that he had been unable to see that there were so many people who would have jumped to help him if he could have just asked. She tried to block the expressions of grief from her mind but it was impossible. Grown men were crying openly. Even the Captain and the stoic Commander Ford had tears streaming down their faces. She heard Hudson's voice stop and saw that he was finished reading whatever it had been that had released all of this emotion. Dr. Perry made her way to Hudson's position and waited until he found a seat before addressing the room.

"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," she began considering just how to express the diagnosis. She wanted them to have an accurate idea of just what they would be facing in the next few days or even months but she did not want them to lose hope all together. She knew that a large part of what would determine if Lucas lived or died would be these people. If they could not convince him that he wanted to live then he would not last the week. If he did live, he would need them more than ever. She finished her speech urging them to help him fight. "Don't let him let go and don't give up hope." 

Dr. Perry left the room before the emotions could begin to affect her. She still had a patient to take care of. Returning to medbay, she went to check on Lucas. He had been moved from recovery to an isolated room to allow for visitors. He was still hooked up to the ventilator but he was breathing on his own. His pupils were still uneven but his pulse and blood pressure had returned to normal. A monitor beeped softly as the pressure in his skull increased slightly. The swelling around his brain was just beginning. He did not respond to her inspection in any way. His condition was neither encouraging nor discouraging. She stood for a moment looking at him. His blond hair peaked out from beneath the white bandage encircling his head. He looked very young and fragile. She did not understand why he would have done this to himself. She heard a gasp behind her and turned to see Lieutenant O'Neill standing with a nurse. 

"Tim," she said smiling reassuringly at him. "Come, sit beside him and hold his hand. Don't be afraid. Just sit there and talk to him."

"Will he hear me?" he asked timidly.

"I believe he will. I'll leave you alone now." Patting O'Neill on the shoulder, she left the room. 

The rest of the day passed quickly. She was very busy and did not have much time to check on Wolenczak except for a quick peak every now and then. She was checking her e-mail preparing to leave for the day when she noticed that she had one from Lucas. Surprised she opened it. It read:

Dr. Perry,

I am very sorry for the trouble I have caused you. I have a few things I must ask of you though. Hopefully I was successful but if I was not I have a few requests regarding my care. First of all I would like to request that no heroic measures be taken to save my life. I understand if you cannot abide by my request due to the circumstances. I do not want to be removed from seaQuest. If I'm not going to wake up please just let me die here. This is my home. Should I need to be transferred somewhere else for long term care please send me to the Greenriver Clinic. It is located outside of Buffalo. My inheritance from my father will more than cover any expenses. 

My last request to you is that you make sure the instructions in my will are carried out. I have a legalize will drawn up which will be released upon my death but I felt it best to outline my wishes to you. I have been living almost solely off my UEO paycheck since I first began receiving them. As such I was free to invest all of my other income in stocks and bonds. I was very well off before we disappeared but while we were gone most of my money stayed in bonds and matured and I returned to find myself a very wealthy person. As stated in my will I would like this money to be divided up between my friends and various charities. I already have a trust fund set up for Dagwood so that he will be taken care of once he leaves the UEO. I would like for Tim to receive my company LuWol, Inc. It holds the patents to all of my software designs including the systems that run seaQuest. Tony is to receive the sister company of LuWol, Inc., Quest Games. This company began with a few computer games I developed but has matured into much more. Both companies are completely self-sufficient which is how they survived my absence for ten years. I would like a trust fund of five million dollars to be set up for Brody's son as well as a similar trust fund for Captain Bridger's grandson, Michael. Of the rest of my assets I would like one third to be divided among the leading marine science research projects. The remaining two thirds to be divided equally among you, Captain Hudson, Commander Ford, Lieutenant Henderson, Ben Krieg, Dr. Kristin Westphalen, Captain Bridger, Julianna Lee, Nick Rohlof, and the families of Miguel Ortiz, Wendy Smith, and J.J. Fredericks. Thank you for doing this for me. 

Lucas

Dr. Perry stared at the e-mail. He cared so much for everyone. His first thought was always to make sure everyone else was taken care of. She wondered why he could never let anyone take care of him. She had had no idea that Lucas was worth any money but judging from this he was worth quite a lot. His generosity surprised her given that he had written this in the midst of planning a suicide attempt. She was touched that she had been listed among his will. She did not understand what had driven him to try to kill himself in the first place. Vowing to see that Lucas's wishes were met, she closed down her computer and returned to her quarters. She sat for a long time that night staring at a picture of the crew from the beginning of the tour. So many faces had changed. Suddenly she felt tired and old. It hurt losing friends. Having to stand by and watch them die because there was nothing medicine could do to save them. She thought of the young man lying in the medbay waiting to die and his friends struggling to cope with his decision and suddenly she hated her job. She hated having to work on friends. She hated the fact that the submarine lifestyle meant that she always let them in too close. She hated war that brought nothing but death and destruction and ruined promising lives. And sitting there looking at the picture, at everyone's smiling faces, at Lucas's smiling face, she cried.


	4. Tony Piccolo

I would have had this out a lot sooner if my professors hadn't decided that I needed to be writing papers and taking exams. Somewhere in writing this piece I decided that I am going to make this whole thing as close to the canon as possible so if you spot any errors please tell me. In a random side note, I have to tell you about the scare I had the other day. We are in the middle of student government elections so I was walking to class one day and all of a sudden I noticed these signs everywhere that said: Vote President Bourne. It really really scared me and needless to say I am not voting for him. 

Tony sat at his station frozen the sound of the gunshot ringing in his ears. He was vaguely aware of the Captain standing up and shouting. He moved funny. Slow kind of, like the way things look underwater. Tony heard his name called and saw the Captain run off the bridge. The meaning of the words slowly trickled down through his head. 'Piccolo, come with me.' He found himself running to catch up to the Captain but he did not remember standing up or leaving the bridge. The Captain stopped in front of a hatch so Tony stopped too. He looked around a moment trying to clear the fog dancing around in his brain. He recognized the corridor outside his quarters. Why were they there? Something about Lucas. 

Captain Hudson opened the hatch and took a step inside. Tony peaked around him trying to see what had drawn his attention. A lightening bolt of panic and pain ripped away the protecting fog that had been cushioning him from reality. He heard Lucas's whisper in his mind. 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' The shot that followed. Oh God. Lucas. Please no. Lucas! Tony's breath caught in his throat in a half sob. He wanted to run to his friend's side but he stood frozen in place. He stared at the gun that lay on the floor. The evil hateful thing that had done this to his friend. No, Lucas had done this to himself. His attention was drawn to the blood pooling around Lucas's head. That was his friend's life leaking out. Drip drip, then it was gone. Gone. Oh Lucas, please no. Eyes filled with despair and trapped tears slowly met the Captain's gaze. 

"He's not gone yet."The Captain smiled up at him. Tony clung to those four words like a drowning man would cling to a life vest. He repeated them over in his head like a mantra willing him to have hope. 'He's not gone yet.'He's not dead. He's not dead. He stood there watching as the medteam arrived and pushed the Captain out of the way. They began doing things to Lucas calmly and professionally. He wanted to beg them to save him. He wanted to shout at them. 'Please save him! Don't let him die! Help him! Help him. Don't let him go.' He wanted to shove them away and hold Lucas. He wanted to cry and scream and pound on the wall. Instead he stood there trembling. 'Please don't leave me,' he begged Lucas's still body silently. 'Stay. Whatever it is, I'll fix it. Just don't die. Please don't die.' 

The Captain put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony looked up at him for a moment surprised. When he realized that he was being led from the room he wanted to protest. He was possessed by the irrational fear that if he let Lucas out of his sight then Lucas would die. Had it been anyone other than Hudson he would have but this was the Captain so he allowed himself to be directed into the corridor. He looked at his Captain for instructions longing to get back inside with Lucas. The Captain began to speak and Tony struggled to pay attention to what he was saying. 

"Tony, I need you to go back to the bridge. Tell everyone there that Lucas is still alive. Have Commander Ford call up the secondary crew to replace everyone. I will be down at medbay. Have all of his friends gather in the wardroom and I will bring any updates as soon as possible." Tony nodded to show that he understood the orders. Because they were orders, he never even thought about protesting before he turned to carry them out. He walked towards the bridge struggling to gain some control over his emotions. He entered the bridge and his composure lasted until everyone looked at him. 

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," he managed to get out through the tears he was unable to stop.He was surprised to find Tim standing by his side. Tim hesitantly put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony threw his arms around the other man sobbing. "Why'd he do it? Why'd he want to leave us?"

"I don't know, Tony. I just don't know," answered Tim through tears of his own. They stood together for a moment drawing comfort from each other. Finally Tony let go and stepped back embarrassed. Tim did not say anything just wiped the tears from his glasses. They turned when they felt a hand touch them. Commander Ford was looking at them through wet eyes. Tony reached up and patted Jonathan on the shoulder while Tim did the same allowing him into their circle of grief. Tony had never really considered him a friend. Their personalities rubbed each other the wrong way too often for that but Tony respected the Commander and he loved Lucas as much as anyone on this boat. Tony looked around and saw that the bridge crew had already been replaced. He looked to Jonathan in confusion. 

"I thought it best we give you a few minutes," said the Commander answering the younger man's unasked question."Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"

Tony nodded sniffling. He'd rather be down in medbay where he was at least near Lucas. He felt better after crying but he was embarrassed that he had mauled Tim like that especially since he knew that Tim was not one for a lot of physical contact. Tim did not seem to mind though. He was standing closer to Tony now. Maybe he had needed the contact as much as Tony himself had. Tony trusted Tim. He went to him with his problems and Tim always listened. Tim did not talk much about himself though except maybe to Lucas.Tim and Lucas had always had a bond but they had been even closer ever since the Captain had taken over. Thinking about Lucas made the tears start to fall again. Why hadn't Lucas gone to Tim? Why hadn't he come to Tony? There must have been something they could have done to prevent this. What if he did not make it? How could there be a seaQuest without Lucas? It just did not seem possible. Wiping his face again, Tony followed the other two down to medbay. 

The Captain had not arrived when they got there but a nurse came out to tell them that Lucas was in surgery. They sat there silently trying not to think. The waiting was hard. The guilt was harder. Tony kept going over all of the conversations he had had with Lucas the past few days. They played over and over again in his head. He was not sure what he was searching for; something he had said, something he did not say but should have, something that might have hinted at what Lucas was planning, something he could have done, all of the above or none of the above. He just did not know. Everything had turned upside-down. Where was the Captain? The Captain should be here. He SAID he would be here. Lucas was here. Why wasn't the Captain here?

"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" Tim whispered to the silent room.

"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head."

They fell silent again, waiting. A noise in the doorway alerted them to the Captain's arrival. They turned and looked at him hoping that he would not order them away. He stood there watching them for a moment. 'Where have you been?' Tony asked the stone-faced man silently. 'Lucas is here. You should have been here.' The Captain did not say a word. He just walked in and took the last chair. They watched him waiting for something but he just began to stare at the floor. Seeing that he had nothing to say they turned back to what they had been doing before. Waiting.

To keep his mind occupied, Tony began to watch Jonathan pace. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Tony heard Lucas's whisper in his mind. 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' Step. Step. Step. Turn. He saw Lucas standing in the storage room. Step. Step. Step. Turn. He watched him raise the gun to his head. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Lucas raised his head to look at Tony. Step. Step. Step. Turn. Lucas slowly began to pull the trigger. NO! 'You weren't there. You didn't see this. Don't think about this,' he thought to himself. He started clenching and unclenching his fists to try to calm himself. He began counting the tiles in the floor. 1-2-3-4-5 Breathe. 6-7-8-9-10 Breathe out. 11-12-13-14-15 Breathe. 16-17-18 The Captain's voice interrupted him.

Jonathan responded to the command and left the room. It had not been for Tony. 

"Lieutenant, Warrant Officer, would the two of you go arrange for some food and coffee to be delivered to the ward room? I will be up there shortly." This order was for him. Suddenly he needed to get out of the room. He needed to be somewhere, anywhere else.Tim looked over at him asking if he wanted to leave or should he protest. Tony nodded saying that he wanted the hell out of the room. They stood together and left the Captain behind. As soon as they were out of medbay Tony leaned up against the wall trembling. 

"Tony, are you O.K.?" asked Tim anxiously. 

"No, I'm not O.K. My best friend tried to kill himself. How the hell am I supposed to be O.K.?" he answered angrily blinking rapidly to try to stop the tears that were threatening to fall again. 

"Come on. Let's get to the wardroom," replied Tim gently leading Tony down the corridor. He cut on his PAL as they walked. "Ah, David, just the person I wanted. Could you send some coffee and something to eat up to the wardroom? Thanks."

"Tony! Tim!" greeted Dagwood happily as they entered the wardroom. "We are having a party for Lucas."

"No, Dagwood, this isn't a party," answered Tim as Tony began to cry again. 

"Tony is cry-ing. Why are you sad?" Dagwood was upset that his friends were unhappy. 

"I'm sad because Lucas is hurt, Dagwood," answered Tony through his tears. 

"Who hurt Lucas?!" demanded Dagwood looking at his friends who were both crying now. 

"Lucas hurt himself," replied Tony softly. 

"But why Lucas want to do that?" asked Dagwood confused. The two could only shake their head. They did not know why. Dagwood stood and thought for a minute trying to understand. The two moved on stopping to speak to a few people. Lonnie stood towards the front of the room consoling one of the women who had been on the bridge earlier. She patted the woman on the shoulder then moved to walk away. Tony and Tim moved towards her. Lonnie looked up and saw them then burst into tears. 

"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both. 

"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. Tony stepped back as well as he saw the Commander step into the room. He did not want the Commander to get the idea that he was messing with his woman. Tony watched a bit enviously as Jonathan hurried to Lonnie's side and took her into his arms. She began sobbing again and Jonathan caressed her hair soothing her. Tony was not interested in Lonnie but sometimes he wished that he could find a partner to share his life with. Jonathan looked at them over her head. 

"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. Just then the Captain entered the wardroom. Tony searched his face for some sign as to Lucas's fate but met only a blank wall. The Captain slowly walked across the room taking in the scene. Looking around, Tony realized just how many people were in the small room. Distantly he wondered if Lucas would have been surprised.The Captain moved to the front of the room and began to speak. Tony found his attention riveted on him. 

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." Tony stood silent, eager as the Captain loaded the computer and put on his glasses. He did not know what to expect from this note but he hoped it gave him some absolution. He wanted answers to still the conversations in his head. He wanted reassurance that it was not his fault. The Captain began to read but it was not the Captain's voice that he heard. Tony only heard Lucas.

"_I_ _began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony."_

Ah, Luke, no. You weren't a jerk. I should have been more understanding.

"_I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did_."

We'd never desert you. Never in a million years. You're my roomie, my best friend. How could you think that? Tony cried to the air because his best friend had not known how loved he was. 

"_I can't leave seaQuest…. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time_."

We wouldn't have let you go. We would have made sure you stayed. You didn't have to do this!

"_You_ _deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better._"

No, Luke, no. You are perfect. We couldn't ask for a better friend. There's no one I'd rather have for a roomie. There's no one I'd rather serve with. Tony cried for his friend who had felt such pain and no one knew. They should have known. They should have realized. He should have realized. 

_"It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way."_

It's not your fault. You didn't know. I should have made sure you knew how much you meant to us. I need you. Please don't leave me. This wasn't the way. This couldn't have been the way things were supposed to be. Tony cursed fate that had only given him understanding when it might be too late to save his friend. 

_"Please forgive me. Goodbye."_

Lucas. Oh god, Lucas. I forgive you for anything you have every done. Just don't die. Come back to us. We'll fix everything. Tony broke down. He sank to the floor sobbing. He felt as if he were tearing out his soul with every sob. He did not even realize that the Captain had finished speaking until Tim shook his shoulder. He looked up and saw that Dr. Perry was standing where the Captain had been a moment before. He pulled himself together fast anxious to hear how Lucas was doing. Dr. Perry began speaking. He heard her say that Lucas was lucky to be alive and he was so thankful. Then she started going into technical details and he got lost. He listened closely though trying to pick out enough to understand what was going on with Lucas. 

"Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving." He understood that. He knew that those were not good odds but they were better than nothing. 

"If he lives there is a very good chance that he will be a vegetable. The chances of him waking up and walking away from this with no side effects are slim. If he wakes up we could be looking at severe mental retardation, extreme personality changes, paralysis or anything in between." Luke, what have you done to yourself? He could not imagine Lucas being anything other than his normal arrogant genius self. The thought of him waking up and not being Lucas was horrifying. Tony knew that Lucas would not be happy if he was stuck in some wheelchair and he did not think that Lucas would be able to function if his thoughts were not zipping around a hundred times faster than a normal person's thoughts. He did not see much hope in the situation. If Lucas lived he would be miserable. Tony felt guilty and selfish for still wanting him to live. Tony heard her say that she would let him have visitors but he did not feel the joy he would have felt had she announced that five minutes earlier. He felt tired and numb. He heard the Captain begin to speak again but he could not force himself to pay attention. 

Time passed and people moved around him but Tony did not stir. There was a silence in his head. He could not think. He was broken. He tried to picture Lucas smiling but all he got was the image of him lying on the floor in the storeroom. He tried to hear Lucas laughing at some joke they had shared but all he heard were the echoes of Lucas's whisper saying over and over again 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' A black hand thrust a cup of coffee into his hand. Tony stared at it for a moment watching the ripples in the liquid as his hands shook. He took a swallow grimacing at the bitter taste and looked up into Jonathan Ford's worried face. Lonnie was standing there too clinging to his side. Tony glanced around. Many of the people had left. He did not see Tim. He looked back at Jonathan questioningly.

"Tim is down in medbay seeing Lucas. Would you like to go down?"

Tony shook his head emphatically afraid that if he spoke he would cry again. He looked down at the coffee and took another sip. He closed his eyes and wished he were in the ocean. In the ocean his tears would be just another drop of salt water and no one would see. In the ocean he would be free. Maybe the pain would not follow him there. He sat there staring at his coffee. Absently he took a sip and spit it back out. It was cold. How long had he been sitting here? Tony looked up and Tim was back but Lonnie was gone. Tim and Jonathan sat watching him with concern in their eyes. Lonnie returned and completed the group. 

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently. 

"No!" Tony was not ready for that yet. 

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated the Commander firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters."

Unable to object to the order, the other three stood up mutely and followed him. Tony had never been inside the Commander's quarters and he was curious as to what they looked like. He pictured a bare room with only the necessities highly organized and highly militaristic. When he entered the room, its class and simple charm pleasantly surprised him. Lamps scattered around the room provided a warm glow that was a welcome respite from the harsh florescent lighting. A few paintings hung on the walls. One was of the seaQuest framed by profiles of several people. Tony knew most of the people and recognized the others from pictures Lucas had shown him. Only after he had seen this room and felt its personable welcoming aura did Tony realized that Jonathan considered the seaQuest to be his home. He was not here because this was where his station was. He was not here because it was his best bet to be promoted to Captain. He was not even here because he hoped to run seaQuest one day. He was here because this was his home and this was where he belonged. He was here for the same reasons Tony and Tim and everyone else from 2022 were here and this realization made Tony see the Commander in a whole new light. Tony stopped staring at the room and took a seat at the small wood table where the other three were already sitting. 

"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Tony looked at the alcohol and glanced at Jonathan then tossed it down. It burned like fire going down his throat and snaking into his stomach. Good stuff. Tim and Lonnie gasped as they swallowed theirs but Jonathan drank his with ease. He put the bottle away and turned back to them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," stated Jonathan looking at them. Tony could not help thinking that maybe this whole thing had unhinged him and judging from the stares Jonathan was getting from Tim and Lonnie he was not the only person having such thoughts. "Did I ever tell you about the first time Captain Bridger met Lucas? He was so cocky back then. Arrogant to the core. I don't think he had ever had to deal with people before. So there Bridger was being as stubborn as can be and angry that Noyce had brought Darwin to seaQuest without his permission when all of a sudden Darwin talks. You should have seen the look on his face. Then Lucas starts in talking about cutting edge technology and all Bridger can do is stare at him. We have one of the greatest Captains in the history of the navy and there's this kid standing there talking to him as though he were five years old. It was priceless and pure Lucas right down to him using the hand gestures that Bridger had spent months teaching Darwin. I didn't think either of them would last very long."

Tony had heard a slightly different version from Lucas but he decided that Jonathan's version was probably the more accurate of the two. He could picture the scene in his head though and it brought a smile to his face. 

"Remember when Katie and Lucas designed that Stinger?" asked Tim smiling at the memory. 

"God, how could I forget," answered Jonathan. 

"They spent half their time arguing over what to name the thing. Lucas wanted to name it Stinger but Katie demanded Gazelle," explained Tim for the benefit of the other two. "There was a competition among several designers and the prototype was destroyed the night before the test race. They stayed up all night rebuilding it from scratch. We pitched in when they let us but they were very possessive of that thing. It's too bad they were beat by that other guy. Man, those were good times."

"Tell me about it. Katie and Ben always fighting like an old married couple. Lucas and Ben constantly getting in trouble. The Captain and Dr. Westphalen falling in love and trying to hide it." Jonathan smiled lost in the past. 

"I remember when you first joined seaQuest. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Tony shook his head. He had not known that but he was not surprised. There was a pool for everything on this boat.

"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?"

"Notyet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered the Commander.

"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" asked Tony to Tim laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."

"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan. 

"How did you know about that?" asked Tim. 

"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie.

"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.

"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother."

"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."

"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim. 

"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie.

"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter.

"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"

"That was amazing."

"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.

"Not always," replied Jonathan with a knowing glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him.

"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected."

"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past.

"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully. "Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."

"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too. Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do."

"Sure, Tony, just remember that we are here if you need anything," replied Tim gently. 

"Thanks. Do-do you think you could come down to medbay with me afterwards?" Tony asked hesitantly. 

"Of course. Just let me know when." Tim squeezed his shoulder reassuringly watching as he left the room. 

Tony walked slowly through the corridor from Jonathan's quarters. He kept his head down avoiding the curious stares the other crewmembers kept sending his direction. He could feel their eyes on him and almost hear their questions but he did his best to ignore the attention. He was more relaxed than he had been before. This was probably as close as he would get to feeling peaceful for a long time. He hoped it gave him the strength to get through the rest of the night. Sighing softly he reached the hatch to his and Lucas's room.He stared at it for a moment gathering the courage to go inside. Come on. Just go in already. He slowly opened the hatch and looked inside suddenly afraid of what he might find.He did not think he could deal with it and almost turned around but then he thought about Lucas and what he would want Tony to do. Lucas would want him to do this in their room so he had to push past this fear and enter. 

He went inside hesitantly and flipped on the lights. He slowly opened his eyes and let out the breath that he had not been aware he was holding. The room looked exactly like he had left it except Lucas's computer was sitting on his bed.There were no signs that screamed at him, 'LUCAS TRIED TO KILL HIMSELF.' There was nothing to indicate that anything was out of the ordinary. Tony could feel Lucas here more clearly than anywhere else on the ship except maybe the moonpool. This was Lucas's room and it spoke eloquently of his personality. His presence comforted Tony wrapping around him in almost a spiritual hug. Tony paused for a moment considering how he wanted to do this then walked over to his bed. He picked up Lucas's computer carefully, tenderly. Slowly he climbed onto the top bunk. Lucas's bunk. While he was waiting for the computer to load, he put on his special rose-colored glasses and made himself comfortable. Logging into his e-mail he opened the one from Lucas and slowly began to read:

Tony,

God, where to start? Look, I know I haven't been a very good friend to you lately. In fact, I've been pretty rotten. I'm really sorry about all that. I was wrong. There were a lot of reasons I acted the way I did. I didn't know how to deal with having authority. I'd never had any before. I'm afraid I was not very responsible with it. I was also jealous of you. I wanted Hudson to respect me the way he respects you. None of the changes bother you. You've been able to adapt right away when I can't cope with anything. I wish I had had you self-assurance. I seemed cocky but I questioned everything I did or thought or felt. I admire you. You've worked hard for what you've become. You struggle with the things that I find easy and yet I'm the failure. 

You were jealous of me? I had no idea. I guess there are a lot of things that we did not know. The Captain has taught me a lot about life that I was too stupid and young to understand before but I can never be like you, Lucas. The Captain told me once that I reminded him of himself at my age. That's the only reason he wastes any time on me. He really pushes you though because he believes in you. He knows and so do I that you could be a better Captain than him or Bridger combined. I wish I could be half as good as you. As for the coping, I do not know if I am. Nothing in my life has gone the way I planned. I am just trying to salvage what is left of it. Maybe I am just hiding things the same way you did.

This is very hard to me. I am not the type of person who can bear my soul for all to see. Even given these circumstances I could not have told you any of this had I been sitting face to face with you. I can barely type out these words. I think the only thing that is giving me the courage to do so is the fact that if I don't you'll never know. I want you to know and to understand who I am and why I had to make this decision. You guys are my family and my friends but all my life I've been raised to deal with things by myself. I can't deal with things though. It's just too much for one person to bear. I wanted to go to one of you but I couldn't. I had been so horrible to you and I was afraid you would turn me away. Tim has enough to deal with without me adding to his burdens. The Commander and Lonnie are…well, you know and Dagwood doesn't understand. And the Captain? There is no way. I'm sure if I had come to you you all would have done your best to help but I just didn't know how. I tried. I begged and pleaded with everyone but I just couldn't reach outside of myself and actually ask for help. It's too late now. Even if I'm not successful or someone stops me first things are too fucked up for me to ever be able to put the pieces together again. 

You could have told me. I wouldn't have turned you away. I can understand you being scared though. I wish I had seen it. I wish somehow I had known that you felt this way. We can still fix things though. If you wake up and you're OK we can make everything better. I promise. I will fix it. So you wake up. OK?

Why did all of this happen? What did we do to deserve all of this? I didn't want to join seaQuest. I hated my father for sticking me here but the truth is I was happy. That first tour was the happiest I have ever been. The Captain practically adopted me and Dr. Westphalen was like a mother to me. There was Ben and Katie and all of the others. The second tour was not the same. I missed Dr. Westphalen so much. It really hurt that she had decided to leave us. I tried to be understanding but it felt like everyone was leaving me again. You joined us during the second tour. What a nightmare that was. Seriously though, you being here helped me a lot. I'm really glad that you came into my life. The bad stuff started during that tour though. I could deal with everything up until that point but things started to unravel. There was the whole thing with Sandra then that mad psychic Clay Marshall. Not to mention Dagwood's evil twin and facing certain death half a dozen times. It was a wonder I didn't end up in the loony bin. I guess I should thank the Captain and you and Tim and Miguel for that. You guys kept me grounded. In more ways than one. 

I would have liked to have met this Dr. Westphalen and the Commander Hitchcock. They sounded really cool. I wonder if any one has informed Ben. I am glad that I could help you deal with things. I wish that I was still able to help but you have shut everyone out. You know, you are right. We did get you grounded a lot. Sorry about that. 

Things would have been fine if Hyperion had never happened but it did. I don't know how much you remember about what happened there. We aren't supposed to remember anything but sometimes I do. Little bits and pieces come back. They aren't enough to make me understand just enough to terrify me. I think I did some real bad things there but I can't remember enough to know. I remember Dagwood and water. So much water everywhere but I couldn't drink any of it and I was so thirsty. I remember thinking that everyone else was dead and it was my fault but I don't remember how it was my fault. I wish I knew. Maybe if I knew I wouldn't think that it was my fault Miguel and Wendy are dead. 

We never talk about them you know. No one mentions Migs or Wendy. Even Brody and Fredericks are subjects to avoid. No one talks about the years we've lost or the lives that passed us by. It's not a good way to live. No one else can understand what we've been through. All we have are each other. With me gone there will just be the four of you. The Captain left us. We needed him the most and he wasn't here to help us. He can't understand any of the things that have gone on under Hudson anyway. We've all been trying to deal with things by ourselves but you can't do that anymore. Don't mess everything up like I did. Turn to each other. Help each other. Maybe if you embrace the past then together you can get through it and get on with your lives. It's OK to move on. I know you'll never forget them or me. We are bonded in ways that no one can break.

I do not remember anything at all but I know that you did not kill Wendy and Miguel. Nothing that happened there was your fault. It was horrible and never should have happened but it was not due to anything you did. I am not sure why none of us ever talk about it. I guess it is because none of us want to think about it. I know I try to avoid the subject if at all possible. It hurts too much. Once again you are right though. We do need to talk about this and deal with this. We need each other. Jonathan took us into his quarters tonight and we were talking about you. I felt better after talking to them. Maybe after this it will be easier. It could have been easier with you too though. Maybe we could have helped you to see things differently. We are all in this together. You should have let us help you. I do not want to lose you.

Do you remember when we first met? I'll never forget it. I didn't know what to think about you. All I knew was that the Captain was forcing me to share the only place I had to call my own and give up any pretense at having privacy. You burst in bringing posters of swimsuit models and this devil-may-care attitude. You took perverse pleasure in torturing me. I can't even remember when we stopped hating each other and became friends although to be fair hate is too strong a word. I guess it happened when we weren't looking. All I know is that somewhere in there you became my best friend. I thought of you like a brother. We had the arguments and the pranks and sometimes I wanted to kill you but I wouldn't trade any of it for the world. I just wish things could have been better between us now. Maybe if we had talked more but I wasn't ready to talk. I'm still not but I don't have any time left.

They were very nice posters of swimsuit models besides I did not hear you complaining long. And I did NOT take perverse pleasure in torturing you. It was just plain fun. Besides it is not as if you never antagonized me. Man, we really did act like brothers. I wish I could get that relationship back.

There is a vid-disk in the top drawer of my desk. It has my good-byes to Dagwood and Darwin. Could you see that they get them? You can have anything of mine you want. That goes for the others too. I just wanted to tell you that you are going to be a great officer. Keep studying for you exams. I believe in you. You truly are my family. You are the brother I never had and I love you. Don't beat yourself up over this. It was the only way. There was nothing you could do. Goodbye, Tony. Thank you for everything you've done for me.

Luke

I will make sure that they see the messages. I do not want your things. I want you to keep them. Live. Then you can help me study for my exams. We may have been a family but that did not keep you here. Be here with us. I don't want your thanks. I don't want your good-byes. I want you to live. I want you. 

Tony realized that he was talking to an empty room and struggled to get control of his emotions. The note had been hard for him to read. At times it had made him laugh. At others it had made him cry. He was trying not to be angry at Lucas. He was trying not to be angry at himself.In the end he was merely sad that he only understood now when Lucas might never know. He closed down the computer and put away his glasses. It was time to find Tim. 

"Tim," he said into his PAL. "I'm ready. Could you meet me outside of my room? OK Thanks."

Moments later there was a knock on the hatch to Tony's quarters. He opened the door to reveal a very tired, puffy eyed Tim. Tony slipped out his door locking it behind him. Without a word the two of them began the slow walk to medbay. Tony tried to keep his mind blank but he was afraid. He did not know what to expect. He came close to stopping and turning around several times but the thought of having to explain such an action to Tim stopped him. When they reached the medbay, he was very reluctant to enter. Tim had to accompany him inside. They made their way through the silent area into the private room where Lucas was kept. Tony's attention was immediately focused on the figure sitting beside the bed. The Captain.

"Gentlemen," greeted the Captain politely getting up and stretching. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Actually, sir, I'll join you," answered Tim leaving Tony alone in the room. 

Lucas was lying still on the bed looking pale and vulnerable. There were machines and wires running everywhere. Oh, Luke. No. The hiss of the ventilator's mechanical breathing filled the room interrupted only by the beeping of other machines. Tony closed his eyes against the tears the sight of his friend brought. Lucas looked so fragile lying there. Tony was almost afraid to touch him but his hands reached out anyway brushing a lock of hair from Lucas's eyes then gripping his hand. He sat; half fell into the chair that the Captain had occupied previously. 

"Lucas, how could you do this?" he asked softly to the motionless form. "There had to have been another way. This couldn't have been the only option. You can't leave us like this. No, you are just going to have to get better so we can fix everything. You have to get better. Please.

"It's not fair," he whispered beginning to cry. "It's just not fair. This is not the way things are supposed to be. You are not supposed to be there. You should be a normal happy nineteen year old. It's just not right.

"You did this to yourself. To us," he said stronger starting to become angry again. "You accused Captain Bridger of abandoning us when we needed him but so are you. How could you do this? How could you try to kill yourself when we've already lost Brody and Fredericks and everyone else? Why?! 

"Why did you do this?" he shouted. "You had no right to do this to us! How could you?! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you Lucas Wolenczak! How could you leave us like this?

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I don't hate you. I love you. We're brothers. I'm sorry. Please don't die."

"Sh, it's all right," soothed Tim putting his arms around Tony as he cried. The shouting had brought him and a nurse running. Handing Tim some pills she nodded towards the door. Getting the hint he began to steer Tony out of medbay. "Come on, Tony. Let's go lie down.

"Here, sit down," said Tim pushing Tony down onto his bunk as soon as he had gotten him back to his quarters. He handed Tony a glass of water and the pills. "Take these."

"Where am I?" asked Tony just now noticing that they were not in his quarters. 

"You're in my room. Now, let's take your shoes off and get you to bed."Tony was too dazed to protest so he was soon snuggled into the covers and beginning to feel the effects of the sedative. Suddenly he remembered something and tried to sit up with a look of horror on his face. Tim easily pushed him back down onto the mattress.

"No, I have to get up. I have to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. Please, let me tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," babble Tony. 

"He knows you didn't mean the things you said and you can tell him again tomorrow. He wants you to go to sleep right now. OK?" Tim soothed the younger man waiting for the medicine to take full effect. 

"OK " he said yawning as sleep began to descend upon him despite his protests. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Tony," he replied softly to the now sleeping man. He sat watching him for a moment thinking about how young Tony looked when he was asleep. He really was not that much older than Lucas himself. Sighing, Tim began to ready himself for bed. 


	5. Darwin and Dagwood

I am really not happy with the section about Dagwood. If anyone thinks they have a better way of writing his point of view I would appreciate it. I have the next section about half written but I'm not sure how soon I will be able to get any written after that. Thanks to Pseudo for her advice. 

Dagwood has a very important job. Dagwood cleans seaQuest. SeaQuest is Dagwood's home. Dagwood is happy to help Dagwood's friends by keeping seaQuest clean. Dagwood was mopping the hallway when Dagwood saw Lonnie. Lonnie was crying. Dagwood does not like it when Dagwood's friends are sad but Lonnie cries a lot. Maybe this is a good crying.

"Hey, Dagwood," said Lonnie trying to smile at the big man through her tears. 

"Hello, Lonnie. Why are you cry-ing?" Dagwood was worried for his friend. Lonnie was Dagwood's special friend. Dagwood and Lonnie danced.

"All of Lucas's friends are gathering in the wardroom. Will you join us?" She did not want to be the one who informed him about Lucas so she did not tell them whey they were gathering.

"Mmm…Lucas is having a party?" he asked. 

"Kind of. We will explain it to you later. OK?" 

"Mmm…OK." He docilely followed her down the hall to the wardroom. People in the wardroom were crying. Dagwood did not understand. Parties are fun. People do not cry at parties. Maybe this is more good crying like Lonnie. Dagwood stood and watched the people. Dagwood could see Lonnie talking to people but Dagwood did not see anymore of Dagwood's friends. Dagwood wished Lucas would come and explain things. Lucas was very smart. Lucas explained things to Dagwood so that Dagwood can be smart too. He saw Tim and Tony through the doorway.Good friends! He made his way over to them.

"Tony! Tim!" greeted Dagwood happily as they entered the wardroom. "We are having a party for Lucas."

"No, Dagwood, this isn't a party," answered Tim as Tony began to cry again. 

"Tony is cry-ing. Why are you sad?" Dagwood was upset that his friends were unhappy. Dagwood did not understand this party/not party.

"I'm sad because Lucas is hurt, Dagwood," answered Tony through his tears. 

"Who hurt Lucas?!" demanded Dagwood looking at his friends who were both crying now. No one should hurt Lucas. Lucas is good.

"Lucas hurt himself," replied Tony softly. 

"But why Lucas want to do that?" asked Dagwood confused. Lucas should not hurt Lucas. That is bad. The other two simply shook their heads indicating that they did not know why Lucas had done it. Puzzled Dagwood returned to watching the other people while he tried to figure out what would make a person want to hurt himself. The concept of suicide was not one Dagwood have ever experienced.

The Captain came in the room. Dagwood stood up straight like he had been taught to do whenever around Hudson. He watched the Captain walk through the room and stand at the front of the table. Dagwood listened to the Captain read the note. Dagwood understood that it was from Lucas. The words made Dagwood sad because Lucas was sad. Lucas had thought he didn't have any friends. Lucas was wrong. Dagwood was Lucas's friend. Darwin was Lucas's friend. Lonnie was Lucas's friend. Tony was Lucas's friend. Tim was Lucas's friend. Lucas had lots of friends. The Doctor lady began to speak but she used big words that Dagwood did not know.When everyone left Dagwood went back to mopping the floors. 

Slowly working his way around the ship cleaning as he went Dagwood found himself standing outside of the Medbay. He knew that Lucas was inside but did not know if he should go see him. Lucas had decided to hurt himself for some unknown reason and Dagwood might make it worse by saying something stupid.The need to see his friend was greater than his worry and fear so Dagwood gently propped his mop up against the hull and went inside. 

"Hi, Dagwood," smiled one of the nurses. "Did you come to see Lucas?"

"Mmmmmm, yes," he answered nodding his head emphatically. "Dagwood is here to see Lucas."

"He's in here," she said leading the way. Dagwood stood in the door way very still holding his breath while he looked at Lucas. Lucas is very hurt. The thought that Lucas might not get better crossed Dagwood's mind and he felt a wave of sorrow. The nurse took Dagwood by the hand and led him over to the bed. "You can hold his hand if you want. Just be gentle with him. Do you have any questions?"

"How did Lucas hurt him?" he asked softly not taking his eyes off his friend. 

"He had a gun in his room and he used it to shoot himself in his head. We are doing everything we can for him but your friend was hurt very badly."

"Will Lucas die?" asked Dagwood the anguish clear in his voice.

"Probably. We still do not know."

"Why did Lucas do this? Didn't Lucas know gun are not to play with?"

"He did it on purpose. He thought that he would be sent away from the SeaQuest and he decided that he would rather die than let that happen. I have to go look after some of our other patients so I'm going to leave you two alone for a while. Just sit with him and talk with him."

Dagwood watched the nurse leave the room. He watched Lucas for a moment longer. Slowly he sat down in the chair beside the bed and gently reached his hand out to brush Lucas's face. He pulled it back and touched his own surprised to find it wet. 

"Why? Why did this happen? Lucas is Dagwood's friend. Dagwood would not let them take Lucas away. Dagwood will protect Lucas. Do not die."Dagwood did not know how to deal with his emotions. He was hurt that Lucas would do this thing. He was angry with Lucas and felt guilty because he should not be angry with his friend. Dagwood was also sad because he would miss Lucas if he did not get better and he did not want to lose his friend. Not knowing what else to do he simply got up and went back to cleaning the boat.That was where Tony found him the next day.Tony looked awful. His eyes were blood shot and his face was haunted. Dagwood almost did not recognize him. 

"Hey, Dag, do you have a minute?" Tony's attempt at a smile failed and his voice began to quiver.

"Mmmmmm, how can Dagwood have a minute?" Dagwood was confused and saddened by his friend's appearance. 

"Nevermind. Just come with me. I have a message for you." Tony led Dagwood into a spare room and placed a disk into the vidscreen. Dagwood watched intently as Lucas's image appeared on the screen and began to speak. 

"Hey, Dagwood. Thank Tony for helping me get this to you. I thought this would be easier than a letter. This way you don't need any help if you want to watch it again. I don't really know how to explain why I did what I did. I just wanted you to know how much I cared for you. You are one of my best friends. There is no one kinder and gentler than you.I know you would have helped me if you could but there was nothing you could do. Captain Hudson was going to send me away from SeaQuest and I couldn't let that happen. Don't be mad at Hudson though because he's a good Captain. I deserved to be kicked off for what I did to him. I just couldn't leave and this way I don't have to. This is my home just like it is your home. Do you understand? Please don't be angry at me for killing myself. I didn't do it because I wanted to hurt you or anyone else. I had to do it. It was the only way. Please forgive me for any pain I've caused you. You're going to have to feed Darwin now that I can't do it. He needs somebody to play with him to. Will you play with Darwin, Dagwood? Thank you so much for being my friend. Goodbye, Dagwood." Dagwood watched as Lucas closed his eyes and reached out to turn off the screen. As the screen blacked blocking the image of Lucas's tear streaked face Dagwood heard a final whisper. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye, Lucas," Dagwood told the blank screen. He turned around to face Tony who stood with tears flowing down his face. Pulling him into a giant hug, Dagwood realized that he could not be sad for Lucas anymore. Lucas wanted him to be happy. "Mmmm. Do not cry Tony. Things will be better."

Darwin knew right away that something was wrong. The mood on his home suddenly resembled the mood in a pod when one of the young had wandered away and was in danger.He felt flashes of pain from several members of his pod and an echoing image from Tony. Something was wrong with Lucas he realized. Surfacing in the moonpool he called out in hopes that someone might be there but as was often the case since Bridger had left the pod the room was vacant. Snorting in frustration, he began patrolling the boat in search of Lucas or a friend who would explain what was going on. 

Deciding that finding Tony would be the best way to sort everything out, Darwin headed for the tunnel that ran beside Lucas's quarters.Darwin was not sure where Tony was but he felt that he would be somewhere in that vicinity.Darwin finally spotted Tony standing in the hall with the man who had taken over the pod. Darwin did not like this Hudson-man. He was mean and rude to Darwin calling him a fish and threatening him. Besides, he made Lucas and Tim unhappy and he did not like any one who hurt his friends. Darwin did not waste his time thinking about Hudson. His attention was focused solely on Tony. He could feel the waves of fear and pain that rolled off of Tony.He longed to comfort his friend but without Lucas's device he was sentenced to silence. The only thing he could do; he sent thoughts of friendship and hope towards his friend in hopes that Tony might somehow sense his support. 

Tony started down the hall and Darwin was fixing to follow when the medics moved Lucas out into the corridor. The reason for the change on the ship was immediately apparent. Lucas was hurt. Darwin did not need a doctor or a friend to explain to him that this was bad. He could sense the damage within his friend. He felt the not-rightness in Lucas. He had seen enough injured humans to recognize the vacancy that signified unconsciousness and this went beyond that. Something was missing in Lucas. He realized that Lucas might die. The thought filled him with an infinite sadness. Never had he met anyone like Lucas.Lucas was often sad especially now after Bridger had left. Darwin did not approve of Bridger leaving his calf here for the Hudson-man to protect. 

Lucas was so amazing that the world would be a much darker place with him gone. Of all the humans Darwin had met Lucas would have made the best dolphin. He was kind and gentle. His loyalty to his pod was unrivaled by anyone in either species. Lucas had this joy to him that was like a sun. He was curious, playful, and mischievous all of which were good qualities to have in a dolphin. Lucas also had a darkness within him that was uniquely human. He tried to keep everything inside instead of letting the pod help him. In a flash of insight, Darwin realized that this darkness was the reason that Lucas had been hurt. He wished he could push the darkness away so that the joy was never hidden but he did not have that ability.The pain of not being able to help his friend made him wish he could cry like humans could. 

Keeping close to medbay, he waited for the doctors to finish trying to fix Lucas and place him in a bed where Darwin could see him.He kept an eye on Tony, Tim, and Ford who were also waiting.He did not try to make contact with them because there was nothing he could say. As long as they were together they would be able to get some comfort from each other and anything he did could only make things worse. He did not like it when the Hudson-man came to join them. In his opinion, he was responsible for way too much of Lucas's pain.He felt the pain coming from the man just as strongly as from the other three though and he was forced to soften his judgment.He really did care about Lucas and it was not his fault that he was not very good at protecting his calf. He should not have had to protect Lucas. That should have been Bridger's responsibility. 

When Lucas was brought into a room, Darwin stationed himself outside of the window.He closely monitored the boy dishearten by the fact that the not-rightness had only gotten worse.He wanted to change places with the youth. It was wrong that he should be lying there dying.He could not remember ever being so scared not even when it had been just Dagwood, Lucas, and him all alone in that ocean of strange water. He had thought that he had lost all of his friends and was going to lose those two but somehow deep inside he knew that things were going to be OK.Things did turn out OK to a point. The people who were not human had rescued them and returned them to their ocean but some of the pod had not been able to return. Other pod members left when they got back here and new people joined the pod. Things were not the same and Darwin missed the old times. He wondered if this would have happened if they had not gone to that strange place.He was very scared that he was going to lose Lucas this time.

"Do not leave," he squealed hoping that somehow Lucas could understand him. "All of your friends are worried. We love you and do not want you to go. Do not die, Lucas. This is not your time to die. You have to fight and come back to us. We need you. The pod needs you, Lucas, do not leave us."

Floating there he kept watch over Lucas and the constant flow of visitors.He noted every minute change in Lucas's condition, which was slowly deteriorating.He wanted to believe that Lucas was going to get better but he just did not have a good feeling this time. He did not know which was harder, watching Lucas or watching his visitors.Tim was first then Ford and Lonnie. He was surprised that Tony was not one of the first but later he thought he understood. The others had been upset enough but when Tony had finally come see Lucas he had broken down. It hurt having to watch his friends go through such pain. The Hudson man came by often in no less pain than any of Lucas's friends. Even the new one came. She was a strange one. She was not part of the pod and yet she was. In another dolphin-like quality, only Lucas saw beyond her walls. Only on rare occasions was Lucas alone and then just for a few minutes before the next person came to see him. All through the night and into the next day this went on with Darwin keeping watch. 

Some time during the next day, Darwin was not sure when because he did not have the best sense of time inside the boat, someone started calling for him from the moonpool and he went to investigate. He did not want to leave Lucas but he figured that it might be one of his friends needing to talk and he wanted to be there for them, too. At this point there was nothing he could do to help Lucas but he might be able to help someone else. He was not surprised to see Tony standing there when he surfaced. Other than Lucas, him and Tim were the most likely to seek Darwin out to talk. He had a special connection with Tony maybe because Tony was part fish. 

"Hello, Tony," he greeted somberly. 

"Hi, Dar," he responded sadly. "Any body tell you about Lucas?"

"Lucas hurt. Darwin know. Not know why."

"He, uh, he tried to kill himself," answered Tony quietly, unevenly. "He thought that Hudson would send him away and he decided he would rather die first."

"SeaQuest Lucas home.Lucas scared. Lucas hurt." Darwin tried to get his message across through the device's limited abilities. 

"But Hudson wasn't going to send him away! He should have come to one of us!" began Tony becoming agitated. 

"Lucas not know. Hudson hurt Lucas. Father hurt Lucas. Mother hurt Lucas. Bridger hurt Lucas. Lots of hurt." Darwin wished he could have done more to take away Lucas's hurt. He knew that as long as Lucas had kept them out none of them had had a chance. 

"But why didn't he come to us?" asked Tony beginning to cry. "We're his friends. He should have come to us."

"Lucas always help pod. Forget pod help Lucas." Darwin did not understand how someone could do so much for everyone else but never consider that they might do the same about him but that was Lucas. 

"The doctor says," Tony began sobbing. "He'll probably die. What am I going to do without him?"

"Pod help Tony same pod want help Lucas." As horrible as the thought of losing Lucas was, Darwin knew that the group would be able to get through it together should the need arise. This pod was strong. They had already been through so much together. After a moment, Tony had collected himself and spoke again.

"He gave me a recording for you. Do you want me to play it now?" he asked hesitantly.

"Darwin listen."He bobbed in the water patiently as Tony set it up and hit play.An image of Lucas appeared on the screen and began to speak. As Darwin listened intently, he was reminded why he hated pictures. Someone should have figured out by now that vision was only a fraction of seeing. 

"Hey, Darwin, sorry I can't be there to play," said the image. "I told Dagwood to make sure to feed you. I'm sure him and Tony won't mind playing with you. I am sorry that I won't be around any more to do it myself. I just don't know what else to do. Hudson's sure to send me away and I can't have that. I hope you understand. It's OK though. I don't want to hurt anyone but it's time.I am ready to die…"

"NO! Light and dark NOT one!" The exclamation burst forth from Darwin before he could stop it. He knew that Lucas could not hear him but he had been unable to stop himself from responding to the image. 

"I don't know when it all went wrong. I know I have all my friends but I still feel alone. I'm so lost and nothing makes sense. The only thing that's clear to me is that I am making the right choice. I wanted to thank you. You are one of my best friends. I can tell you things that I can't tell anyone else and you understand things about me without me having to tell you. I wouldn't have made it this far without you. I love you, Darwin. Goodbye."There was silence after the recording ended. Darwin wished once again that he could cry the way humans could. Tony was struggling to stop his tears, angry with himself for his inability to stop crying at every little reminder. 

"Tony," stated Darwin causing the man to jump. "Tell Lucas Darwin love him."

"Yeah, I'll tell him," he said getting up to leave. "Thanks for listening to me."

"Tony," stated Darwin again before he could get out of the room. "Darwin love Tony, too."

He watched his friend leave then turned and swam back to the medbay. He hoped he had been able to help Tony some.Darwin returned to his position by the window outside Lucas's room. He may not be able to do anything for Lucas but for better or worse he was going to be there. 


	6. Lonnie Henderson

Heiko Kimura was shocked, her eyes wide with horror

At long last, I have another section to update. I did not intend for there to be this long of a wait but problems arose that prevented me from working on this. Once I began writing on it again, I found it very hard to get back in character. This section took almost a month to write. I can not tell you when the next part will be up but I will update eventually. This story will be finished.Thank you to everyone who has been reviewing and asking me to continue this piece. You helped me find the initiative to continue. -- Unique

Lonnie listened is frozen silence to the activities taking place around her.She was only dimly aware of the Captain leaving the bridge. She brushed tears from her face that she had not realized were there until just now.'Oh, Lucas,' she thought,'not him too.' She had seen enough death for a lifetime in the past year. She did not need more especially someone like Lucas like this. Suicide was…was… Her mind froze replaying the seconds leading up to the gunshot that echoed in her ears like the ringing of a bell. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry." She wiped her face again. She was on duty. She shouldn't be crying on the bridge. Get yourself together. The sound of the bridge opening brought her attention outward. 

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive," stuttered Tony, sending chills of relief down Lonnie's spine. She heaved a sob and closed her eyes barely registering the rest of his statement. She opened them to watch Tim hesitantly embrace Tony. She moved to join them but something told her that they needed to be alone. The Commander began issuing orders and the choice was taken away from her. 

"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford. Lonnie glanced over at her cold, dispassionate face and wondered how anyone could fail to react to a tragedy like what had just transpired."Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us."

"Yes, sir," she replied immediately jumping to the task. Sex or no sex, when they were on the bridge, it was strictly professional. Mentally she made a list of Lucas's closets friends and subtracted the ones on duty at the time. As the secondary crew arrived, she took a few aside to speak with privately. "Ensign, you were friends with Ensign Wolenczak were you not?"

"Yes, ma'am," replied the kid swallowing nervously. 

"Lucas tried to kill himself earlier this morning. He's still alive but we are gathering in the wardroom until there is further word. Would you like to join us?" she asked gently.

"I- why would he do that?" he asked horrified. 

"I don't know. Hopefully, he left a note, which will be read, in the wardroom. I really think you should join us or at least take this shift off. Is there someone who can take your place?"

"Yeah, I mean yes, sir. I- I'm sorry." The ensign gave up fighting and let his tears fall. 

"It's OK. This is hard for all of us." She patted him encouraging on the back and gave him a slight hug before taking aside the next one. It took her a couple of minutes to talk with the handful in the secondary crew. Tony and Tim were still oblivious to their surroundings and she noticed Jonathan moving towards them. Giving her friends one last glance, she left the bridge to bring the sad news to those who still needed to know. The one she looked forward to the least was Dagwood. She did not know how she could bear to tell him so she left him for last. By the time she had informed everyone else, she was crying non-stop. She had hugged more people than she could count but the hugs had ceased to comfort her in the least. She had just started to search for Dagwood when she came across him mopping in a corridor. 

"Hey, Dagwood," said she said trying to smile at the big man through her tears. 

"Hello, Lonnie. Why are you cry-ing?" She frantically thought of a way to tell him but could not come up with anything. 

"All of Lucas's friends are gathering in the wardroom. Will you join us?" She did not want to be the one who informed him about Lucas so she did not tell them whey they were gathering.

"Mmm…Lucas is having a party?" he asked. He was obviously confused not that she could blame him. 

"Kind of. We will explain it to you later. OK?" Hopefully, someone else could handle that task. 

"Mmm…OK." He docilely followed her down the hall to the wardroom. Once there, she hurried to take her leave of him. She loved Dagwood but right now she could not deal with his innocence. 

"How are you doing?" she stopped to ask one person chatting for a moment. She offered comfort to them tactilely hugging them or patting them on the arm and back. "You holding up OK?" she asked the next. She saw one of the women who had been on the bridge at the time and made her way towards her. "Hey," she told her. "I just want you to know that if you ever need someone to talk about this, you can come to me."

"Thanks," replied the woman smiling at her sadly. Lonnie patted her on the shoulder and moved on. She looked up and saw Tony and Tim coming and her tenuous composure broke. She burst into tears as she moved forward to meet them. 

"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both. 

"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. She was just getting herself under control when she felt Tony pull away from her. She looked up to see Jonathan crossing the room coming in their direction. She turned to Tony and read some of his thoughts on his face and did not question his reaction. She was embraced in Jonathan's strong, safe arms and she buried her face in his shoulder. He caressed her hair soothing her as she let herself cry. She felt guilty for being comforted by his presence. Glad that he was there, she squeezed him tight never wanting to let go.

"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. She could feel the vibrations of his vocal cords as he spoke. Relaxing, she swayed into him. His uniform ceased to soak up her tears but she kept her face buried anyway. The tensing of his muscles told her that the Captain had entered the room. Slowly, reluctantly, she twisted herself around so that she was facing the Hudson. He had reached the head of the table and began to speak. 

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." Lonnie reached down the wrap her fingers through Jonathan's hand. He squeezed back pulling her closer. 

"I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me," read Hudson from the computer. "More people dying or leaving…I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did…. Please forgive me. Goodbye." Lonnie listened to the words and alternated between sorrow that Lucas could be so unhappy and anger that he would do something like that to us. Some friend he was to knowingly hurt everyone. The anger burst and disappeared as the last words registered in her brain. A grief so strong that it tore at her soul lanced through her and she would have collapsed had it not been for Jonathan's support. Clinging to him, she remained standing but she could not fight the fresh flood of tears that ran from her tired, aching eyes. 

"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," stated Dr. Perry calmly. She continued on but Lonnie tuned out the more scientific terms."The prognosis is uncertain. Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving. That may change in the next few hours." Lonnie clung to these words her mind refusing to listen to the details that followed.Word that they would be allowed to visit him brought relief to her. In her mind, once she saw him maybe it would all vanish and everything would be fine again. 

"Everyone should sign up for times to visit Lucas," started Hudson standing up to speak again. " Unless you would like to continue working, you may all have the next two days off. We have a lot to come to terms with and I want everyone to remember that you are not alone in this. Lucas mentioned good-byes in his note so I would assume that many if not all of you will find e-mails from him when you next check your mail. Be prepared. I will leave the wardroom open for anyone who wants to still gather here. Now if you'll excuse me I will be in my cabin." Lonnie's awareness of her surroundings resurfaced when Jonathan gently pushed her away. She knelt by Tony who was sobbing on the floor. Jonathan went and got him a cup of coffee. She held onto his side when he returned. Tony looked horrible and Lonnie's heart went out to him. 

"I'm going to go see Lucas," murmured Tim quietly to them. They nodded agreement never breaking their focus on Tony. Lonnie did her best to not think focusing on the sound of Jonathan's heartbeat. She didn't want to think about the past few hours. Time passed and Tim returned nudging Jonathan.He gave her a quick squeeze then gently disentangled himself from her arms. The entire time that he was gone Tony did not look up. All too soon Jonathan was back and it was her turn to visit medbay. She did not know if she could handle seeing Lucas just now. Hesitantly, she entered the medbay looking around for a nurse to direct her. 

"Looking for Lucas's room?" asked one coming into the room. "He's right this way." The nurse motioned towards a room off to the side and Lonnie moved forward before she could stop herself. The sight of Lucas lying in the bed so helplessly made her burst into tears again.

"Oh, Lucas," she cried. "How could you do this to yourself? This wasn't the way."She sat beside him trying to ignore the medical devices and sounds around her. She was very uncomfortable in hospitals and while the medbay was not exactly a hospital it was close enough. She was not able to stay as long as she would have liked before the atmosphere chased her from his side. When she returned to the wardroom, Tony had calmed his tears and he was more aware of his surrounding. 

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently. 

"No!" Tony was not ready for that yet. 

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated Jonathan firmly. . "You are all coming with me to my quarters." Lonnie gave him a curious glance but she did not protest as they all stood silently and followed Jonathan to his room. She sat beside him at the table waiting for Tony to stop staring. She did not know what he had expected Jonathan to have in his quarters but this was obviously not it. Jonathan and her exchanged a quick amused glance. Tony finished his inspection and joined them at the table.

"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Lonnie eyed the glass for a second then gulped it down. She gasped involuntarily. It burned like fire trailing down her throat. Jonathan could have warned her first. He put the bottle away and turned back to them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," stated Jonathan looking at them. Lonnie looked at him dubiously. She did not think that this was appropriate considering the gravity of the situation. Perhaps he was not taking this as well as they had thought. Before she could voice her concerns, he launched into a tale about Captain Bridger meeting Lucas. When he finished, she found herself laughing at the image of the legendary Captain and the bratty over-intelligent teenager. It lightened the mood considerably allowing them a chance to recover some from the draining day. Tim and Jonathan began talking about Hitchcock and Lucas designing the Stinger. Lonnie had often been compared to the illustrious Hitchcock and was often found lacking. Combined with the rumors of a liaison between her and Jonathan, Lonnie found herself very jealous of the other woman. Even with Hitchcock dead, especially with her dead, Lonnie felt the weight of the comparison. She watched Jonathan smiling at the memories and kept silent. 

"I remember when you first joined seaQuest. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Lonnie smiled slightly remembering that pool. Tony and Lucas had been oil and water. No one thought they'd end up best friends. But then no one thought she'd last out the tour. There's been a pool for that too. How many days would it take for Bridger to kick Henderson off the bridge? 

"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?" continued Tony when Lonnie was listening again. 

"Notyet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered Jonathan. She reached over and gently rubbed his back. She knew it was going to be hard for them to go through that.

"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" asked Tony to Tim laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."

"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan. 

"How did you know about that?" asked Tim. 

"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie. She shook her head. They honestly thought there were secrets on this boat?

"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.

"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother." She grinned at how red Tony's face became. 

"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."

"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim. 

"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie. He had been so nervous about letting anyone know about their relationship in the beginning. The crew was not stupid however and everyone knew about them well in advance.

"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter.

"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"

"That was amazing."

"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.

"Not always," replied Jonathan with a knowing glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him. Lucas had had a crush on her at one time or another. She hadn't minded and he had understood that she did not share the feelings.

"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected." She had seen and done things that she would never had guessed she was capable of doing. She had lost a lot of her innocent side but had gained maturity. 

"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past.

"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully. "Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."

"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too. Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do." They nodded and he got up to leave. Tim followed him and they spoke quietly by the door for a few minutes. When Tony left, he came back.

"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while. I told Tony I would go with him to medbay later and I need some time to myself first."

"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie. 

"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."

"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."

Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then." He closed the door as he left, leaving the two of them alone for the first time since their world had been disrupted again. 

Ford slid closer and took her into his arms. He bent down to kiss for forehead. "So how are you holding up?" he asked.

"I don't know. It doesn't seem real. I haven't really been able to think." 

"You can't block it out," he told her gently.

"I know. It's just hard and I wanted to be there for everyone else. How about you?"

"The same. I don't know if I can keep it together tomorrow if I let go now." He sighed and rubbed his face. "How am I going to tell them?" 

"You'll manage. I promise." She held him tight. They sat silently thinking about Lucas. Lonnie tried to picture him smiling and laughing as he played with Darwin but the image of him lying helpless in the hospital bed was overpowering. She realized suddenly that she had not seen Lucas smiling in a long time. She gained a little understanding into why Lucas had chosen the path he had. She wondered how she could have missed all of the signs. There are always signs before someone does something like this aren't there? "Why didn't we see it coming?"

"I don't know." She looked at Jonathan realizing she had said the last thought out loud. She placed her head against his chest, sighing.

"I just feel like I should have known. I should have been able to help him."

"I think we all feel like that. Lucas was," he paused and corrected himself, "is one of the most popular and important people on this boat. He grew up here and we were lucky enough to be able to watch. He holds us together somehow." He shook his head unable to properly express what he meant.

"Lucas made seaQuest seem less like a war ship and more like a home."

"Yeah. It took me a long time to understand why he actually made us better." 

"He's special." They fell silent again. The challenge of voicing their emotions was something they were too drained to continue. Some time later, Lonnie shifted from the protection of his embrace. "I'm going to go to my room," she said quietly. "I'd like to check my e-mail."

"I'll check on you later." He stood and helped her up. Walking her to the door, he gave her one last hug. She regretfully left his room hurrying to her quarters. She did not want to take the chance of running into anyone on the way. The corridors were almost completely vacant. The news had spread rapidly through the boat creating a very somber mood. Lonnie reached her door and slipped inside unnoticed. Her computer was already on so all she had to do was pull up her e-mail. Sitting down and making herself comfortable, she opened the one from Lucas and began to read.

Dear Lonnie,

I don't know quite what to say. I know you are going to try and take care of everyone else. Don't forget to take care of yourself. Things are going to be hard on you. I wish there was a way I could change that but I can't so I'm sorry. 

You're a wonderful, beautiful person. I know that you have a hard time believing this but it's true. The Commander is lucky to have you for a girlfriend. You aren't the same person you were when you joined us. You have grown up here as much as I did. Whatever anyone tells you or insinuates, never forget that you have worked hard for everything you earned and nothing was given to you. 

I never thanked you for the wonderful things you did for Tony and Dagwood. I am grateful for everything you did for us and I wish I could have done half as much. I admire you and envy you in many ways. You and Tony are alike. You are great at adapting and handling things. I just fall apart when things change. I wish I could stay as well balanced as you. Thank you for everything you've done for me. If I had been able to come to someone about this, you would have been one of the first I went to. Do not blame yourself for not seeing this coming. It was something that had to be done even if you can not see my reasoning.

Take care of the Commander. He needs you. I'm glad that I had the honor of being your friend. I love you dearly. Give Addison a hug for me. Goodbye.

Lucas

Lonnie wiped the tears from her eyes struggling to read the last few lines through the blur. Lucas had hit very close to home on many of his comments. She was afraid of what people thought of her abilities. Sometimes she was afraid that she was not really qualified and that she had just gotten the job because of her pretty face. In this letter, he did the same thing for her that she had done for Tony and Dagwood but he'd never know that. She did not understand how someone so selfless and wonderful could be completely oblivious to how great he was. How could Lucas thing that he was meaningless? Why did Lucas miss something that even Jonathan knew? She wanted to take him into her arms and hug him and tell him how much he meant to everyone and that he did not need to do this horrible thing but it was too late he already had. Lucas was going to die and there was so much he'd never know. He'd never know love from a woman who thought he was the center of her world. He'd never see SeaQuest become a research vessel again. He wouldn't see Tony become an officer. He wouldn't…The thoughts hurt too much to continue. 

She stumbled off of her bunk pushing her computer to the floor. Blindly she searched her drawers until she located her bear. Squeezing him tight, she sobbed. Sinking to the floor, she curled around her bear and cried well past the point where her eyes stopped producing tears. Brody's death had hit her hard but to lose Lucas was something so incomprehensible that it tore at her very soul. She could not picture a seaQuest without Lucas. There could not be such a thing. Everything that was left from before would be gone. The boat that Bridger captained would no longer exist for all that there were still crewmembers on board. All she could see in her future was the great blackness of war. 

She felt herself being lifted and she opened her sore, blood-shot eyes. Jonathan was carrying her to her bunk. Throwing her arms around him, she began to sob again. "He's going to be gone and it's not fair! Why did he do this? Why didn't he let us help? It's just not fair!" He pressed her up against him and rocked soothing her like he would a small child. 

"It's all right. Let it out. It all right." He bent down and pressed his cheek against hers allowing their tears to mingle. They stayed there like that well into the night, joined together by grief and by love. Their only comfort was in their touch continuously confirming that they were not alone in this. Sometimes words were spoken. More often none were needed. At some point in the night, the tears dried and sleep claimed them.Tomorrow would be more of the same: crying, waiting, grieving and eventually healing. 


	7. Heiko Kimura

Once again it was a long wait but I have written the next part of the story. This story is hard to write continuously because I have to be in the right frame of mind. I hope everyone is still following the story and that this lives up to everyone's expectations. I tentatively plan to write Ford's part next followed by Krieg, Westphalen, Bridger and finally O'Neill. 

Heiko Kimura was shocked, her eyes wide with horror. Like the rest of the crew instant comprehension tore through her like an icy flood at the echoing sound of the gunshot. Suicide. It was the ultimate failure, the greatest humiliation, the fate of cowards and weaklings. Suicide went against everything she had been taught. The victim was to be forgotten, his very memory wiped from existence to minimize the dishonor to his family. An image of Lucas fluttered through her mind and a wave of nausea rose within her until she shut off the thinking portion of her brain and focused her attention on Hudson.

Hudson was shouting at O'Neill who was equally upset. Kimura felt disgust at these so-called soldiers. How pathetic. They could not adequately respond to the emergency because they were incapable of controlling their emotions. She moved to a console and traced Wolenczak's location herself. 

"Storage Room 85,sir," answered O'Neill just as Kimura opened her mouth. She looked at him irritated that he had called out the location before she could. When she focused her attention back on Hudson she saw him running off the bridge. It amazed her that a military vessel could operate like this. None of these overemotional pansies would make it a day among the Chaodai.  If this was the best the UEO had to offer she would hate to see the worst. She returned to her station and began performing her duty calmly and efficiently ignoring the rest of the crew.  A change in the mood of the room alerted her to the return of Piccolo.  Turning to watch him she wondered why she was eager for news on Wolenczak.  

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," he stuttered through his tears. Crying on the bridge. What kind of military was this? Next thing they'll be letting children join. Oh, wait, they already have. Kimura watched O'Neill go over and hug Piccolo. The display of friendship and grief only furthered Kimura's disgust at the crew's reaction. 

"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford. There was a man who knew how to control his emotions and perform his duty. You would not see him falling apart in a tough situation. Kimura quickly obeyed his order while he continued. "Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us."

Having completed her task, Kimura returned her focus to the Commander. He stood in the center of the room. The only sign of his inner turmoil was the drumming of his fingers against his thigh. He was watching O'Neill and Piccolo who were still so wrapped up in their grief that a missile could have hit the boat and neither would have noticed. Henderson and a few other crewmen sat at their stations with tears running down their cheeks. That woman was much too flaky to be in the chain of command. Kimura rose from her station and stepped out of the way as the next crewman arrived to take her place. She watched with interest as Ford gave over the bridge to a woman Kimura had only met a few times. Having completed his duty, he allowed himself feel his emotions and he moved hesitantly towards the two men still standing near the door and embraced them.  Not wanting to watch any longer, she hurried off the bridge in search of the solitude of her quarters. 

Sitting on the floor by her bed, she closed her eyes and focused on taking deep breaths until she felt herself relax. When she felt human again, she opened her eyes and stood up. Having distanced herself from the soldier mentality, she no longer felt disgust towards the seaQuest crew.  She still did not see how they could operate like that falling apart emotionally whenever something happened but she knew that their ship-wide bond and friendships were what made the seaQuest the best boat in the UEO. They were a family and she was just an outsider. She knew with a slight twinge in her heart that she would never be a part of that family. If something were to happen to her they would more likely rejoice than feel any concern. She had made few connections with the crew. It was mostly her fault. She had spent so long being the perfect soldier. It was easy for her to maintain that persona but hard for her to let down the walls except for times like these alone in her quarters. Perhaps that was why she admired the Commander so much. He was able to perform his duties in a professional, respectable manner and still let his guard down during the times when he could be simply a friend. 

            She did not know how to be like that. The Chaodai had wanted only soldiers. Emotions and relationships were things to overcome. She had only been free to be herself while in the privacy of her own quarters. They would not have been happy that she acknowledged her humanity at any time but she had refused to give that part of her up. It saddened her that she had to hide her humanity here too but she was not welcome here and she knew better than to give them anything to use against her. The topic brought her thoughts back around to Lucas. She had not been able to focus on the matter while on the bridge but here she could sort out her feelings. 

            The turmoil within her rose as her knowledge of Lucas battled against the beliefs that had been instilled into her since childhood. Even her parents had taught her that suicide was shameful and cowardly but somehow she could not make her apply that to Lucas no matter what he had done. He was so young yet he had faced many horrible things in his life that he had responded to with courage and honor. His intelligence was legendary yet it was everything else that made him so special. She could not damn him for what he had done. She had no right to do that when she could not have endured half of what he had lived through. Not only had he survived but he had done so with his morals and beliefs intact. He had kept his humanity when she had had to hide hers. She realized that not only did she respect him but she also admired him. It felt strange to admire someone so much younger than herself. She felt relieved though to have sorted out her view on the matter. It was not often that her own beliefs went against her parents' teachings but she could not condemn Lucas.

            That decided she knew she would have to go to the wardroom. She did not really want to go to such a public place at a time like this. The thought of Lucas lying dead or dying in some storage room hurt and she did not want the others to see her emotions. She knew they would probably be angry at her presence and force her to leave but she had to go to show her support for him. Calming herself, she kept an iron reign on her feelings keeping them deep within where only she would know they were there. She schooled her expression into one of boredom and neutrality then left the room. 

            The wardroom was more crowded than she expected and she almost left.  She slipped through the crowd and made her way to a corner where she positioned herself protectively.  She watched the people but did not focus on any particular person. She wanted to catch any signs of aggression but she did not want to see their grief.  If she allowed their grief to reach her, she risked responding to it. She felt more alone standing in this room than she had at any other point during her stay on SeaQuest. She did not know how much time passed before the Captain entered the room. Briefly his eyes met her and she had to still her hand to keep from saluting him. He began to speak and she stored his words to examine later in private. She did not want to put any more stress on her already straining emotional barriers. She listened to the Doctor's prognosis dispassionately noting them for later as well. The only thing she heard clearly was the Captain telling all of them to go and visit Lucas and the part about the e-mails.  As soon as the Captain left the room, she slipped out too and headed down to the moonpool.

            Sitting on the edge of the pool, she took her shoes off and dangled her feet into the water. Lucas and her used to sit and talk here a lot. He was the only member of the crew she felt comfortable with. She had nightmares about the battle that won her freedom and her parent's deaths. He had nightmares about other things. Neither wanted anyone else to know about it so when they caught each other sneaking down here to think they began to confide in each other. She told him stories about her childhood and how difficult it was to adapt to a new culture. She could understand about him coming back to a world completely different than the one he left. The world she was in was newer to her than it was to him. He talked to her about Tim, too. He wanted her to apologize but what kind of apology would make up for what she had done.  She was worried that they were going to send her away from the SeaQuest which was the closest thing she had to a home anymore but she knew that Lucas looked at the boat as an entirely different story. Not only was it the only thing he knew, it was his home and his safe haven. If she had had a place like that, she would rather die than leave it too. Now that she knew his reasons, she found that she could not blame him. Irrationally she was still angry and hurt that he would do something like that to himself and to her. 

            She did not know how to deal with grief. She had never had a chance to properly mourn her parents so their death was still an open, aching wound for her. She was not sure that she could bare the burden of another gaping wound. The thought of a SeaQuest without Lucas was a frightening one. At some point during their late night discussions, he had become the anchor for her sanity. He kept her grounded here where everything was new and strange and the hatred targeted at her weighed her down. If it were not for him, she would hate all of them, too. She could not keep her humanity without love or hope. The question was did those things exist for her anymore. Was she now trapped behind her walls forever? Seeking to stop her train of thoughts, she dried off her feet and made her way back to her quarters. 

            The boat was silent. The air was thick with sorrow. She kept her head down to avoid meeting the eyes of any passing crewmembers. The light glistened off her cheeks as solitary tears found trickling paths down her face. Reaching her quarters, she locked the door behind her and shut off anything that would allow communication in from the outside. She shuffled through her CD's looking for her lone music CD. Placing it in the player, she closed her eyes and drifted among the soothing sounds of her childhood. Lucas has made the CD for her. One night after she finished telling him about dancing through her kitchen with her mother, they had spent hours searching through databases of old song files until she found the exact one she had danced to so long ago. He had bowed to her asking if he may have this dance. She had laughed and replied yes and they had spent the night dancing around the moonpool. Later, he insisted that they continue the search through the database and he eventually downloaded all of the songs she had found onto a CD for her. She wondered suddenly if he had sent her an e-mail. She curled up in her bed, wiping her face with the blankets she wrapped around herself. Hesitantly, she started her computer. She pulled up her e-mail program both afraid that there would be one from Lucas and afraid that there would not be. There was one. She took a deep breath to prepare herself then opened it.

Kim,

            What can I say to my beautiful Kim? I think of all the members of SeaQuest I have hurt you the most by my actions. I can never express how sorry I am that I had to do this to you. My only consolation is that hope that maybe this will be the spark that gets you and Tim speaking again. You may hate me for my decision and I can understand that if you do. There is no guilt in feeling that way. I can understand if you never forgive me for my betrayal. 

            I hate that my actions have left you alone here. If there was any other way, I would have gladly taken it but you must see how limited my options were. I could not leave SeaQuest. She is my home. She is my family. I know that you who long so much for a family and home of your own will understand what she means to me. I would have been lost without her. I am not as strong as you are, dear Kimura. Being sent away would have destroyed me. This is the only way that I could stay. 

            I am afraid that I never adequately expressed what you mean to me. I love you, Kim. I love everything about you even the soldier that you both love and despise. The bond between us goes far beyond friendship. Our souls connect us. I am your brother and you are my sister. We are kin. We are family. I am sorry that I must take that away from you. I promise that I will always be with you. We are bonded forever. You will never see me again or touch me again but I am here. I will watch over you. 

            You need watching over, Kim. I worry about you. One day you are going to have to let down that wall of you and let the world see the wonderful person that I know you to be. I am sorry that I will not be here to see that day. I am sorry that I will not be here for you to lean on until that day arrives. You are not a machine, Kim. You are a beautiful, loving, thoughtful human being. You can not keep going the way you have been or you will be destroyed. You will be lost like I am and I would not wish that on my worst enemy, which you most certainly are not. Trust my friends. Do not blame them or yourself for what happened to me. They would have tried to help me if I had let them just as you would have tried. I made the decision not to let anyone in because I knew that the effort was futile and I sought to protect you. They are confused by you and their feelings. Tim is hurt and they feel that they would be betraying him if they let you in. If you can make peace with Tim, the rest will follow. Please talk to Tim. I am begging you, Kim. You love him. He still has feelings for you. It will not be easy to rebuild the trust that was lost but if you can then you will gain something worth fighting for. You will have love. Go to him. Talk. Please.

I am sorry for hurting you. I am sorry that I can not be here the way you need me to be. Just remember that I love you and that there was no other way.  Maybe one day you will see that this was for the best. 

                                                                        Love forever,

                                                                                    Your brother Lucas

Kimura bowed her head as she closed the e-mail.  She could not control the flow of tears so she gave into them. Burying her face in her blankets, she sobbed.  She cried because she lost her best friend. She cried because she lost her family, both her parents and her brother.  She cried for herself because without Lucas she was lost and she did not know if she would ever be able to find herself again.  Her body shook and her chest ached from the sobs but she could not stop them. Eventually, her breaths slowed and her body stilled but still the tears poured from beneath her eyelids. Without noticing, she slipped into a dream but was unable to escape her grief even there. 

            When she awoke, it was the middle of the night. Her eyes felt hot, and sticky as the forced them open. A glance in the mirror revealed them to be red and puffy. She glanced down at her uniform frowning at the wrinkles. She brushed at one of them then decided that she did not care. She tried to bring up her shields to protect her before she left her room but they crumbled under the pressure. Hoping that she would not run into anyone, she left anyway. The corridors were empty as most of the crew was asleep or off trying to deal with the day's events. She made her way to medbay without running into anyone. The night nurse glanced up at her but did not pay her any attention. She no longer noticed the constant coming and goings to Lucas's room.

            Kimura noticed Darwin before she saw Lucas. She nodded to their sometime discussion companion before turning her attention to the center-point of the room.  A sorrowful sigh escaped her lips, as she took in the view.  Lucas looked so tiny and vulnerable lying buried among the sheets, wires, and tubes. She traced one tube that was bringing fluids in and another tube that was bringing fluids out of him. Mixed in were the electrodes that fed data to the machines scattered about the room displaying their ever-changing charts.  The sounds of the ventilator intertwined with the beep of the heart monitor to provide an almost reassuring melody. She unconsciously held her breath waiting for a barrage of alarms whenever the monitor skipped a beat. 

            "Oh, Lucas," she breathed quietly pulling up a chair beside him. She reached over and grasped his hand giving it a tight squeeze. With her free hand, she brushed back his hair feeling the strands part between her fingers. "If I could trade places with you, I would," she continued softly. "You have so much to live for. You mean so much to so many people. How are we supposed to go along without you? How am I supposed to do this alone?" Her tears dripped silently onto their hands.

            "It should have been me. I should have been the one being sent off of SeaQuest not you. I should have been the one to give up, not you. You are so strong. You do not give up. You are Lucas. You can do anything. Except maybe live," she said sadly, looking at his face. "I did not know I meant so much to you. I never would have guessed. I hope you know that you meant the world to me. I love you. You are my sanity, my hope. I do not know what I am going to do without you."

            "You'll carry on," said a familiar voice softly. She spun around to see Tim standing in the doorway with tears in his eyes. A harsh response jumped to her lips but she pushed it back when she saw the expression on his face.

            "Hey," she said uncertainly instead.

            "Hey," he replied equally uncertain. He moved closer to stare down at Lucas. He seemed to make a decision standing there because when he looked up he met her eyes. "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee with me?" he asked.

            "Yes," she said surprised that she meant it. "I would like that. Can I have a second?" He nodded and moved back to wait in the doorway. 

            "Thank you," she whispered to Lucas bending down to kiss his forehead. "I promise that I will never forget you, brother," she said giving his hand a last squeeze. Squaring her shoulders resolutely, she turned and accompanied Tim out of the room. She did not know what she would find with Tim. Maybe they would just share a cup of coffee. Maybe they would rekindle a friendship or even more. She did not know but she owed it to Lucas to find out.


	8. Jonathan Ford

'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry.' Jonathan Ford's mind reeled as those words and the gunshot that followed echoed in his thoughts. He stared at his Captain's retreating back trying to assimilate his churning thoughts into something that resembled order. He tried in vain to think of something to tell the crew. Looking over the shell-shocked crowd, he decided that it was for the better that he could not think of anything for them to do. Lonnie was crying. Tim was shaking. Even Kimura looked shocked. He paced in front of the Captain's chair struggling to keep himself calm while he waited for the Captain to send word back to them. Hearing the doors cycle open, he turned to watch Tony enter the room. 

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," stated Tony through his tears. Ford saw movement out of the corner of his eye and Tim stepped forward to comfort Tony. Jonathan nodded once glad that someone more qualified had been there to console Piccolo. Turning to face the rest of the crew, he began issuing orders. 

"Kimura, contact the second shift and have them report to the bridge," ordered Commander Ford before turning to face his girlfriend. "Henderson, when the crew reports I would like for you to see to it that those who need to be informed are told what has happened and assemble in the wardroom with the rest of us." He moved to the center of the room and stood there drumming his fingers against his thigh. He watched Tim and Tony worriedly but made no move to separate them.

"Commander," greeted Lieutenant Salvador as she entered the bridge.

"Lieutenant, thank you for coming to take over for me. Circumstances being what they are you might have to bring in some replacements for some of your crew. They may not be able to work once they hear the news."

"Yes, sir. I am sorry to hear about Ensign Wolenczak. I know all of you were close to him." 

"Thank you. Yes, we were all very close," he replied stepping back to allow her to assume command. Now that he was able to set aside his responsibility, he was able to open himself up more to the situation. The Lieutenant's words brought tears to his eyes but he made no move to wipe them away as he hesitantly closed the distance between him and Tony and Tim. With the new shift on the bridge, they needed to be relocated but he was uncertain as to how to interrupt the duo. They separated as he reached them and he hesitantly placed a hand on their shoulders. He was surprised when they opened up to include him in their group. Tony stepped back and glanced around the bridge before looking to Ford for an explanation. "I thought it best we give you a few minutes. Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"

The waiting room was empty when they reached Medbay but the nurses came out to inform them that Lucas was in surgery. 'Surgery,' repeated Jonathan mentally trying to decide if that was a good or bad thing.  The nurse could not give them any other update on his condition at this time so he had nothing else to go on. He wondered what could have brought Lucas to this point. He had known that Lucas was having a hard time adjusting to the new SeaQuest but nothing had led him to believe that things had gotten this bad. He tried to think back and find the signs that he must have missed but his mind was coming up blank. 

"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" Tim whispered to the silent room.

"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head." Jonathan swallowed hard at the sudden mental image. He had not realized exactly where Lucas had shot himself and now he had a much grimmer view of his chances of recovery. Unable to sit still any longer, he began to pace the length of chairs. Jonathan heard a sound behind him and turned to see the Captain watching them. The Captain looked tired. His red-rimmed eyes shimmered with tears he refused to shed. Jonathan waited for the Captain to speak but he just sat heavily in a chair. With a last glance at his commanding officer, he resumed his pacing. They waited patiently in silence. The only sound in the room was their breathing and the soft, shuffle of his shoes against the tile. 

"Commander, would you go check on the bridge crew?" ordered Hudson. Jonathan gave him a quizzical look but nodded and left the room. He knew that there was no reason that the bridge crew should need to be checked. When he entered the bridge, the atmosphere in there was oppressive. Every person on duty turned around to watch him. He barely took the time to glance around and verify that everything was running normal before he was hurrying back out the door. He was on his way back to Medbay when his PAL went off. "Commander, make sure everyone is gathered in the ward room who should be there. I have a note from Lucas that needs to be read and the doctor will be coming up in a few minutes to update us on his condition."

He entered the wardroom surprised at how crowded it was. He knew that most people were friends with Lucas but it was different to see them all in one room.  He spotted Lonnie across the room in Tim and Tony's arms. As he watched, Tim pulled himself away from the pair leaving Lonnie with her arms around Tony. Poor Tony. He was not holding up very well. Their eyes met for a brief moment and Tony quickly removed himself from Lonnie's arms. Ford hurriedly closed the distance between them.  He took one look at Lonnie's tear streaked face and wrapped her in his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder. He could feel her shaking as she cried. He gently stoked her hair as he looked at the other men over her head. "The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. He held Lonnie silently until the Captain entered the room and began to make his statement. 

"I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left," read Hudson off of the file. Ford closed his eyes in pain cursing himself for never seeing just how poorly Lucas had been adjusting to the changes. Lucas did not have the temperament for the military but he had joined up in order to stay on the boat. Ford saw now that so many of his actions had been desperate attempts to adjust. He had been desperate to stay with the crew because they were the only family he had left. Like on many occasion since Hudson had taken over, Ford wondered maybe things would have been better for Lucas if Captain Bridger had offered him a place with him. He sighed knowing that the responsibility of informing Bridger was likely to fall on his shoulders. Jonathan continued to listen to Lucas's note. He could not help but cry at how lost and alone Lucas sounded. He felt Lonnie waver as the note ended and he held her more tightly in his grip so that she would not fall. 

Standing straight, he listened intently to Dr. Perry as she stood up and began to speak. The fifty-fifty chance of survival was higher than he had hoped for but her definition of survival was a sobering one. He tried to imagine Lucas what Lucas would be like if he was not a genius or if he was not the sweet, friendly person everyone loved but found that he could not. He realized with sorrow that whatever happened their Lucas was probably gone forever. He listened silently as the doctor finished and the Captain got up to speak again. He nodded approvingly as the Captain gave everyone in the room time off of work. He also made a mental note to check his e-mail in case Lucas had sent him something. When he finished speaking, Jonathan gently pushed Lonnie away from him.  He nodded to Tony who was sitting on the floor sobbing. While Lonnie knelt beside Tony, Jonathan hurried to get him a cup of coffee. 

"I'm going to go see Lucas," murmured Tim. Ford nodded at him then knelt beside Tony handing him the cup of coffee. Tony stared at the cup for a moment watching the ripples that his trembling hands caused before taking a swallow. He glanced up to meet Jonathan's eyes. Ford felt like crying all over again as he saw the pain shining back at him through Tony's eyes. Tony glanced around then looked questioningly to Jonathan.

"Tim is down in medbay seeing Lucas. Would you like to go down?" Tony shook his head then turned his focus back to his coffee. Jonathan and Lonnie exchanged worried glances but left him alone. Time passed and Tim returned nudging Jonathan.  He gave Lonnie a quick squeeze then gently disentangled himself from her arms. He walked slowly down to Medbay arriving there as Lucas's previous visitor was leaving. He nodded to the nurse then went on in the room. He sighed softly at the sight of Lucas lying there so helpless.

"I know we've never been close," he began reaching down to hold Lucas's hand. "You still could have come to me. I would not have let Hudson throw you off of the boat. Maybe if you had talked to one of us, things would not have seemed so bad. I just can't understand why you would do this. You should have let us help you." He sighed again trying not to give in to the hopeless feeling. Gently, he patted Lucas's hand then left the room. There would be time later to visit Lucas again. Right now, Jonathan was needed to help his friends. Tony was still staring at his cup of coffee when he returned to the wardroom. Jonathan touched Lonnie on the shoulder indicating that it was her turn to go visit Lucas. Shortly before she returned, Tony looked up to meet their worried faces. 

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently once Lonnie had rejoined the group. 

"No!" responded Tony emphatically. 

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," stated Jonathan firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters."  He did not want Tony to be alone yet and he could not ask Tim to look after him so the logical choice was to keep them together. He hoped that by bringing them to his quarters, they might be able to relax a little. He knew that they were looking at him oddly but they had no choice but to obey his order. He led them to his quarters pausing inside while they became adjusted to the surroundings. Tony in particular seemed impressed with the room. While they were taking seats at his table, he removed a bottle of whiskey from one of his drawers. Pouring a small amount into shot glasses, he slid one in front of each of them.

  "Drink up," he ordered swallowing his. Tony glanced at him then at the alcohol before picking up the glass and tossing it down. Tim and Lonnie quickly followed gasping as it burned their throat. He put the bottle away before turning to face them again. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," he said launching into a rendition of when Lucas and Bridger had first met. He ignored the looks he was getting as he concentrated on the story. They were laughing by the time he finished the story. The mood in the room lightened and they were able to put aside their grief for a little while as they reminisced about the good old days. It was surprising how many humorous situations they had gotten in over the years. The only somber moment of the night was when Tony asked if Ben had been informed yet. Jonathan was not looking forward to telling all of the former members of SeaQuest at all. Lonnie reached over and rubbed his back lending him support. Eventually the conversation ended back in the present. Feeling more relaxed, Tony excused himself. Tim spoke with him for a moment by the door then came back to speak with Jonathan and Lonnie for a moment. 

"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while. I told Tony I would go with him to medbay later and I need some time to myself first."

"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie. 

"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."

"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."

Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then." He closed the door as he left, leaving the two of them alone for the first time since their world had been disrupted again. 

Ford slid closer and took her into his arms. He bent down to kiss for forehead. "So how are you holding up?" he asked.

"I don't know. It doesn't seem real. I haven't really been able to think." 

"You can't block it out," he told her gently.

"I know. It's just hard and I wanted to be there for everyone else. How about you?"

"The same. I don't know if I can keep it together tomorrow if I let go now." He sighed and rubbed his face. "How am I going to tell them?" 

"You'll manage. I promise." She held him tight. They sat silently thinking about Lucas. Jonathan thought of all the times him and Lucas had been together but never connected because he had never known what to say to the teenager. He wished that he had been able to be more of a friend to the boy. He had always found his undisciplined behavior to be disturbing and it was only recently that he had been able to really relate to him. "Why didn't we see it coming?" asked Lonnie softly. 

"I don't know." Maybe if they had seen the signs, they would have been able to do something to change things. 

"I just feel like I should have known. I should have been able to help him."

"I think we all feel like that. Lucas was," he paused and corrected himself, "is one of the most popular and important people on this boat. He grew up here and we were lucky enough to be able to watch. He holds us together somehow." He shook his head unable to properly express what he meant.

"Lucas made seaQuest seem less like a war ship and more like a home."

"Yeah. It took me a long time to understand why he actually made us better." 

"He's special." They fell silent again. The challenge of voicing their emotions was something they were too drained to continue. Some time later, Lonnie shifted from the protection of his embrace. "I'm going to go to my room," she said quietly. "I'd like to check my e-mail."

"I'll check on you later." He stood and helped her up. Walking her to the door, he gave her one last hug.  Returning to the table, he sat there staring at his computer. He placed it on the table in front of him but did not move to cut it on. It took another shot of whisky for him to get up the nerve to press the on button. His e-mail was programmed to open automatically on start-up so he did not have to worry about getting up the nerve to open that. His breath caught in his throat as he caught sight of the blinking message. Without any command from him, his hand maneuvered the mouse over the message and clicked. The words materialized on his screen and slowly he began to read them.

Dear Commander,

I am sorry to place this burden on you. I know that you will be the one chosen to inform the others. I would send my e-mail directly to them absolving you of the duty but that would hurt them more than if it was coming from you. I have enclosed at the bottom of this e-mail three files. I am entrusting you with the responsibility of seeing that the letters within the files are given to their recipients.

That taken care of, I can get to what I really want to say.  We have never been close; you and I, but you have always been a friend to me.  I understand why you found me so uncomfortable to be around for so long and I am sorry that I was so immature. I have grown so much over the years and I think it was that fact that allowed me to recognize how much you have grown too.  You have discovered an appreciation of life that will serve you well when you have your own command. I told Captain Hudson that SeaQuest could never truly be his because she would never be solely a warship. He is the only man who is capable of bringing her out of the war but he can never truly be her Captain. You could be her Captain. You embody her ideals just as surely as Captain Bridger ever did.

You will never enjoy war. You will never want to completely annihilate your enemy down to their last child. These are good things. These are the things that will make you a better Captain than Hudson. You are a leader. I would have followed you to my death if you had asked me too. Almost any man on this boat would. WE would not do that just because you are the Commander or because you are next in line to be Captain. We'd do it because we trust you. We know that you would not take our death lightly. We respect you. I respect you. 

Thank you for being my friend Jonathan. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself and about leadership. I wish I could have been a better officer. I wish I could have made you proud. I am sorry that I am hurting you. Please do not get so caught up in your responsibilities and forget to grieve. Do not feel guilty and do not second-guess yourself. There was nothing for you to notice. There was nothing that you missed. You did everything right. It was just me. I did what I had to do. I did the only thing I could do. I just wish that it hadn't involved hurting everyone I loved. 

I'm sorry. --- Lucas

"You didn't have to do this!" he screamed at the computer. "This wasn't the way." He buried his face in his hands and began to sob. "This wasn't the way," he whispered through heaving breaths. So Lucas respected him. So Lucas thought he would be a great Captain. What did it matter? What did any of it matter? He had not been able to help his friend when he needed him. Hell, he had not even known that Lucas needed help. Some friend he was. Some great wonderful leader. What kind of friend misses that kind of pain and suffering? What kind of leader lets his man kill himself? A pathetic one. That's what kind. 

"How could I miss this? How could I have let you down so bad?" he whispered to the computer. "Why did you have to go?" He tried to wipe the tears from his eyes but more fell to replace them. "Why!" he yelled at a picture of Lucas on the wall. He yanked the picture off of the wall and threw it across the room. At the sound of breaking glass, he crumbled to the floor. He lay there, tears pooling under his temple. Slowly his sobs subsided and he was able to get himself back under control. He felt drained and wanted nothing more than the sweet oblivion of sleep but he had to check on Lonnie. Picking himself up off of the floor, he shuffled slowly down the corridor towards her room. 

He found her lying on the floor crying. He picked her up and moved her to her bunk. She threw her arms around him and began to sob again. "He's going to be gone and it's not fair! Why did he do this? Why didn't he let us help? It's just not fair!" He pressed her up against him and rocked soothing her like he would a small child. 

            "It's all right. Let it out. It all right." He bent down and pressed his cheek against hers allowing their tears to mingle. They stayed there like that well into the night, joined together by grief and by love. Their only comfort was in their touch, continuously confirming that they were not alone in this. Sometimes words were spoken. More often none were needed. At some point in the night, the tears dried and sleep claimed them.

"Commander Ford to the Captain's quarters. Commander Ford to the Captain's quarters," came the ship wide announcement that woke them up the next morning. Groaning, they pulled apart and tried to focus through bleary eyes. For a moment, Jonathan wondered what he was doing in Lonnie's quarter but then everything came rushing back. Lucas. He jumped out of the bed and used her PAL to contact the Captain.

"Lieutenant?" answered Hudson responding to the call.

"This is Commander Ford," replied Jonathan conscious that he was breaking navy regulations.

"Ah," said Hudson but did not comment further.

"How is he?"

"Not too good. He stopped breathing on his own during the night and the pressure around his brain keeps increasing." Oliver sighed and rubbed his tired face. "We need to start informing the others so that they will have time to make it here."

"I'll shower and change then be by your office." Jonathan closed the connection. 

"He's not going to make it, is he?" asked Lonnie with tears in her eyes.

"I don't think so," he whispered softly closing his eyes against the tears that threatened to fall. "I've got to go change," he said finally. 

"Good luck," she said giving him a hug. He nodded tiredly at her then left. Fifteen minutes later, freshly showered and wearing a clean uniform, he stood outside the Captain's door. Hesitantly, he knocked on the hatch. 

"Commander," said the Captain nodding in greeting. "I informed McGath this morning. He took it surprisingly well."

"He never knew Lucas," growled Jonathan.

"He knew enough to know that the UEO is losing a very valuable asset."

"Lucas is a person not an asset."

"Not to men like McGath," responded Hudson closing the discussion. "Who do you want to contact first?"

"Kristin Westphalen," he answered after a glance at the short contact list. The list just re-emphasized the fact that all of Lucas's family was contained on this boat. 

"Commander Ford," she said sounding surprised as the image appeared on her vid-screen. 

"Dr. Westphalen," he replied in greeting. 

"It certainly has been a long time, Commander. To what do I owe the honor of this call and who is the gentleman beside you?" she asked with a guarded smile. Through the years, her dislike of the military had only grown. 

"This is Captain Hudson," he said searching for a way to break the news to her. 

"Pleased to meet you."

"Ma'am," replied Hudson. "I'm afraid we have some bad news."

"Who?" she asked urgently all color draining from her face.

"It's Lucas," answered Jonathan. 

"No. Not Lucas. Not Lucas." She began to cry.

"He tried to kill himself yesterday," cried Jonathan barely able to get the words out. "He's still alive but he's getting worse. We don't know if he'll make it."

"Oh, Lucas. Lucas, no." She bowed her head letting the tears fall. After several uncomfortable minutes, she visibly pulled herself together. "I am coming to see him," she said firmly. 

"There is a shuttle waiting to bring you here as soon as you are ready," replied Hudson immediately. She looked surprised that there was no argument.

"Have you told him yet?" she asked softly. 

"Not yet," answered Jonathan knowing exactly whom she meant. She nodded sadly. 

"I need to go pack," she said abruptly.

"I'll see you soon," replied Jonathan cutting the connection. He slumped down in his seat fighting to maintain his composure. 

"Are you OK?" asked Oliver.

"No but I'll make it." He paused for a moment getting himself together before picking the next name off of the list. "Juliana Lee."

"Who is she?" 

"I think she's a computer programmer now but she used to be a hacker. Her and Lucas were really close. There was another hacker, Nick Rohloff. The two of them were about the only friends Lucas had his own age. I don't think they've talked since we came back."

"Hmm, wonder if that has anything to do with the fact that her name is now Julianna Rohloff," said the Captain glancing down at the list.

"I don't know." They waited patiently as the call went through.

"Hello?" greeted the smiling woman as she bent over to pick up a blonde headed toddler.

"Julianna Lee?" asked Captain Hudson.

"Yes?" she replied no longer smiling. 

"My am Captain Hudson of SeaQuest. This is my second in command, Jonathan Ford. Could we speak with you and your husband?"

"Is this about Lucas?" She asked quietly.

"Yes." She glanced briefly at her little boy giving him a sad smile.

"I'm sorry. I think I am better off not knowing," she replied after a moment. 

"Ma'am, he's dying. We'd like it if you and your husband come to SeaQuest."

"Dying," she whispered softly. "I'm sorry, Captain, but I do not think that is a good idea.  We made peace with his death years ago."

"Julianna…"

"This is my son, Lucas," she said looking up. "Could you- could you tell him that we named our son after him? That we never forgot him?" A single tear trailed down her cheek.

"I'll do that," promised Ford.

"Thank you. I'm sorry. It's just- I have to go." She cut the connection and they were left staring at a blank screen.

"That went well," muttered Jonathan. The Captain gave him a sympathetic glance. For the first time, Hudson was getting a glimpse of what it was like for them to return from the dead after being missing ten years.

"Did you get that a lot?"

"Some. Others heard it more. It's hard to welcome someone back after you've mourned and moved on. You want to call his mother next?"

"How's she likely to take it?" asked Hudson as he was entering the number.  Jonathan thought he had a good idea but just shrugged his shoulders. A young woman appeared on the screen. "Cynthia Holt, please."

"May I ask who's calling?"

"This is Captain Hudson with SeaQuest. We have news concerning her son."

"One moment, please," replied the secretary. They waited patiently until she reappeared on the screen. "I am sorry, sir, but you must have made a mistake. Ms. Holt does not have a son."

"What!" shouted Hudson outraged. "You put that woman on the screen this instant!"

"I am sorry, sir, but I can not do that." 

"If you do not put me through, I will target one of my missiles at your office," he growled leaning closer to the screen. His voice dropped dangerously low. "Believe me. Nothing would make me feel better right now than blowing something up." The woman paled, swallowing hard.

"Yes, sir," she squeaked, looking ready to faint. Her image faded and was replaced with Lucas's mother.

"Captain," greeted Cynthia Holt frostily. "I do not appreciate you threatening my staff."

"Then you shouldn't have them lying to me."

"Lucas is no longer my responsibility," she continued ignoring him. "If he has been kicked off the ship, he will just have to find his own place to live." She made a slight wave of her hand as though to rid herself of the situation.

"This is not about finding a place to live. Your son tried to commit suicide," he stated bluntly. "He may not live." For a second, something flashed in her eyes but it was quickly replaced by apathy.

"You can make the arrangements for the funeral," she said without a hint of emotion in her voice. Judging from her tone, she could have easily have been talking about dinner reservations. "I planned the last one," she continued. "Contact my secretary with the time and place and I'll see if it fits into my schedule."

"Is that all you have to say?" She looked at him blankly. "Don't you want to say goodbye?" Her face froze. 

"We've already said our goodbyes," she answered stonily. Not bothering to say more, she closed the connection.

"I can not believe that woman gave birth to him!" cried Hudson in frustration as he pantomimed strangling her. 

"I know what you mean," said Ford smiling sadly. "That was usually Bridger's reaction to her."

"You really are all the family he has," commented Hudson softly. 

"It's like that for all of us who disappeared to one degree or another. Our lives passed us by and now we just have each other. For Lucas though, we're really all he's ever had. For him, family starts and ends with SeaQuest." The two of them sat in contemplative silence. Jonathan cleared his through roughly. "Ben's next," he said knowing that the list was down to two names. 

"Yes," greeted Krieg as the connection went through.

"Ben," said Jonathan softly taking in the other man's appearance. He looked bad.  His hair was unkempt and he had about a weeks worth of facial hair. Bags under his eyes suggested that he was not sleeping well. Whatever was going on in Ben's life, it had him on the edge. The two of them had never liked each other much but Jonathan hated that he had to add to the burden.

"Commander?" asked Ben trying to look awake.

"I'm sorry. There's just no easy way to tell you this. Ben, Lucas has been hurt. It's bad, Ben. It's real bad. We don't know if he'll make it."

"How?" demanded Ben with an edge to his voice.

"Shot himself," answered Ford quietly. Ben inhaled sharply. 

"When?" he asked flatly.

"Yesterday." Krieg nodded absently. "Ben, we're sending men to pick you up. We're about three hours from you location. Can you have some clothes packed when they get there?" 

Three hours. Clothes," he repeated softly to himself. Ben looked up briefly meeting Jonathan's eyes. What Ford saw there terrified him. There was something laced between the mesh of old and new pains that made Jonathan decidedly uncomfortable. Abruptly, Ben turned and walked away forgetting to close his end of the connection. Jonathan reached forward and cut the connection. 

"Watch that man very carefully," ordered Captain Hudson. "He's one step away from cracking." Jonathan could not think of anything to say to the comment. "I've seen if before," continued the Captain seriously. "If you are any kind of friend to Mr. Krieg, you will make sure that he is safe when it happens."

"Yes, sir," he replied softly. "Bridger's next."

"I know."

"I don't know if I can do this."

"He has to be told."

"Lucas was his son as much as Robert ever was. How am I supposed to tell him that he's losing another son?"

"I don't know."

"He has to be told."

"Yes." Leaning forward with fingers made of lead, Hudson slowly punched the number for Bridger's island. A grandmotherly woman answered the vid-screen. "The Captain, please."

"Oliver, Jonathan," greeted Nathan smiling as he stepped in front of the screen. 

"Nathan," said Hudson gruffly. The smile froze as Bridger looked back and forth between each man.

"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously.

"We need you to come to SeaQuest immediately," answered Hudson stalling for time. 

"Why? What's happened?"

"I'm sorry, Nathan, but," Oliver broke off unable to say the words. He jerked back out of his chair and turned so that his back was to the screen. He desperately tried to fight the tears that were threatening to fall. 

"It's Lucas," continued Jonathan staring at a spot above the screen. He could not look at the Captain and maintain his composure. "He-he shot himself." 

Nathan felt like someone had reached up and stabbed him in the heart. His knees refused to bear his weight and he collapsed into the chair behind him. Images of Lucas flashed through his head. Lucas laughing. Lucas demanding his own salary. Lucas giving him a father's day present. Lucas telling him goodbye as Lucas stood there in his officer's uniform. Lucas. "Is he alive?" he asked hoarsely as he regained control of his vocal cords.

"He's on life support," answered Hudson. "Last report is that his condition keeps deteriorating." He closed his eyes trying to stem the flow of tears but the trailed down his cheeks headless of his efforts to remain composed.

"They don't think he'll live," finished Jonathan making no effort to hide his tears. Nathan drew in a shuddering breath. He did not seem aware of the fact that tears were streaming down his face. 

"Why would he want to do something like that?" he asked. 

"There were a lot of reasons, none of which make much sense," replied Jonathan before Hudson could answer. He knew that the Captain blamed himself but this was neither the time nor the place to discuss that. "He left a note and personal letters for everyone. You'll get to read yours when you arrive."

"I need to pack and make arrangements for Michael," stated Bridger hesitantly.

"Are you going to be all right, Nathan?" asked Oliver anxiously. 

"Yeah," he replied softly in a voice that would have made even Cynthia Holt cry. "I've been through this before." The image of his tear-streaked face slowly faded from view as he ended the call before they could say anything else. 

"Sometimes I hate my job," whispered Hudson to the silent room. Jonathan did not answer. He merely buried his face in his arms and let his tears flow. 


	9. Ben Krieg

A chiming from the vid-screen notified Ben of an incoming call. Wondering whom it could be, he pulled himself up from the couch and plodded over to the phone. "Yes," greeted Krieg as the connection went through.

"Ben," said Jonathan softly. 'What on earth is he contacting me for?' thought Ben scratching his belly. Vaguely, he wondered when he had last showered.

"Commander?" asked Ben trying to look awake.

"I'm sorry. There's just no easy way to tell you this. Ben, Lucas has been hurt. It's bad, Ben. It's real bad. We don't know if he'll make it." Ben froze, paralyzed by the news. I'll kill them. I'll kill every last one of them. Just let me find who did this. The fiery rage did not leave any room for other emotions like worry or fear. 

"How?" demanded Ben with an edge to his voice.

"Shot himself," answered Ford quietly. Ben inhaled sharply. Lucas? Lucas would not do that. This was a joke right? The looks on their faces immediately ended any budding hope that this was a joke. Lacking a quarry, the rage could only drain away leaving him empty. Empty still provided him a buffer zone from other emotions. 

"When?" he asked flatly unable to think of another response.

"Yesterday." Krieg nodded absently. "Ben, we're sending men to pick you up. We're about three hours from your location. Can you have some clothes packed when they get there?" 

"Three hours. Clothes," he repeated softly to himself. Ben looked up briefly meeting Jonathan's eyes. The pain and grief in Commander Ford's eyes struck an echoing chord with the pain he had deep inside. A single bolt consisting of a lifetime of anguish pierced the protecting barrier of nothingness. The wall between him and the outside trembled under the onslaught but held, barely. Breaking the connection, Ben shuffled off repeating the mantra of three hours, clothes. 

The next six hours passed in a fog. He would never remember exactly what he did during the three hours that it took for the shuttle to arrive at his place. At some point he must have showered and shaved because when he arrived at SeaQuest, he was clean-shaven. He did not remember much of the three-hour trip to SeaQuest either. In fact, the only thing he remembered with any degree of accuracy was opening the door, with his bag packed and ready to go in his hand, and seeing the three men wearing SeaQuest uniforms standing on his porch. He followed them silently to the launch and the next thing he knew, they were waiting to dock. 

"Ben," greeted Tim as he entered the boat. He moved forward to embrace his friend but Ben stepped back. Ben was uncomfortable with physical contact after spending so much of his recent time alone. Hugging was not something his friends did a lot and it made the current situation more obvious. A situation that his mind was doing the best it could to avoid.

"Is he still alive?" he asked dully. 

"Yes," replied Tim. "He's stabilized for the moment. Would you like to go see him?"

"No!" he exclaimed as startled by the outburst as the others were. "I mean, uh, I can't, um," he stammered trying to explain the exclamation." His mind felt like it was splintering and he could not seem to grasp the pieces to pull it back together. The only thing that seemed solid was the conviction that he could not go see HIM. Knowledge of who he was was hazy. One second he knew exactly who he was and the next it was fleeting away out of his grasp. Confused, he stopped talking waiting for someone to remind him of what he was doing.

"Mr. Ford," interrupted Captain Hudson. "I am sure that Mr. Krieg is tired from his journey. Perhaps you should show him to his room."

"Yes, sir," replied Jonathan nodding for Ben to follow him.

"And Commander, remember what I said." Hudson turned around and walked off leaving the three men to themselves.

"What was that all about?" asked Tim staring at his retreating back. 

"It does not matter," replied Jonathan hastily. He picked up Ben's bag and led the way to Ben's quarters. The quarters were bare of anything other than a simple bunk bed and a table with a computer on top sitting in the corner. The room was identical to the guest quarters Ben had been given the last time he was on SeaQuest. It looked nothing like the room that had been his home when he was a member of her crew. The comparison brought a pang of homesickness for the old boat. Mechanically, he entered the room and sat on the bed. "I am sorry that I can not stay," said Jonathan setting the bag by the door. 

"It's not a problem," replied Ben flatly. 

"Tim will be here," continued Jonathan ignoring the fact that Ben did not care. "I will be on the bridge if you need anything. Oh, and before I forget to give you this," he said pulling a disk out of his pocket and setting it on the table. "It's a copy of the note he left and his letter to you." 

"OK."

"Well, I'll be going now," he said easing his way out of the door. Tim threw a glance at Ben then followed Jonathan out the door. Ben barely noticed. He stared at the disk admiring its bright, red color and sleek, compact form. As disks went, he guessed it was attractive. That was his bag by the door. He had clothes in the bag. He should put up his clothes. Abruptly, he stood up from the bed and carried his bag over to the closet. He meticulously folded each article of clothing laying them carefully on the floor of the closet. Finished with his task, he stretched out on his bed and closed his eyes. By the time Tim came back in the room, he was asleep.

He was alone when he woke up. He lay there in the bed staring up at the ceiling trying to ignore the emptiness of the room. He knew that outside his door there were hundreds of people but in here it was just him. He was all alone. Unnoticed, tears began to drip from his eyes. No one for him. No one that cared. No, one. One that cared. Lucas. He wondered where Lucas was. He had not come to visit him yet. He smiled slightly. It would be good to see his little brother again. 

'Lucas isn't coming,' whispered a little voice in his mind. 

'Shut up,' he told it refusing to listen to its pessimistic talk. The voice was stupid anyway, always calling him names and throwing all of his mistakes back at him. 

'Lucas is dying,' sang the voice. 

"Shut up!" he yelled to the empty room. "You're lying!"

'Am I?' asked the voice. 'Read the disk. It'll tell you.'

"Fine. I will." Ben stood up and marched over to the computer. He jammed the disk into the drive and opened the first file. 

~I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone.~

He whimpered pushing the screen away. It is true. I can't. Oh, God, it's true. The cocoon that had been protecting him vanished leaving him vulnerable to attack.  'Shot himself,' came the whisper of an emerging memory. His sanity's last barrier of protection took the full brunt of the memory. 'It's real bad.' The wall began to tremble. 'We don't know if he'll make it.' Slowly, it began to crumble. 

~ Old friends that had become strangers.~

No! I'm not a stranger. I'm still me. I'm still Ben. I did not mean to change. I'm sorry. I did not mean to change. I'll go back. I will make everything better. It will be just like it used to be. This is a dream. This has to be a dream. I have got to make things better. Ben crushed his face into the keyboard sobbing. He wished he could go back to the protective haze where nothing could get to him but he knew that was gone forever. 

~Please forgive me. Goodbye~

Goodbye. So final. So little. There had to be something else. There must be something more. A letter. Ben searched his memory frantically trying to remember something about a letter. Finally it came to him. Commander Ford said there was another letter. Lucas wrote him a letter. Fumbling with the mouse, he managed to close the first note and open the second file.

Ben,

            I don't know where to start. We've been apart for so long. So many things have changed that I do not know where to begin. I guess I should start by apologizing for not making it that shore leave. Something kind of came up and I had to spend the leave somewhere else. I can not imagine how that must have been for you. I would have gone nuts if it had been you that had disappeared. I tried to find you when we came back but I could not find even a trace of your whereabouts. If we hadn't run into you on that iceberg, I might have never found you. Maybe it would have been better that way. I would not be writing this letter to you now and you would not have to go through my death twice. I'm glad I did find you though. I am glad that I got to see my best friend one last time. 

            You are one of the single most important people in my life. You taught me how to have fun. You showed me how to balance the serious side of things with the humorous side. Without those skills, I never could have made it as long as I did. I don't know if I could have made it through the first tour without you. You brought a balance in my life that kept me sane. You were my first real friend. Before I came to SeaQuest, I lived a very solitary life. You saw past my hostile exterior. You opened me up.  You saved me. Thank you. 

            I think the first tour was the happiest time in my life. The Captain was my father figure. He taught me more than my real father ever had time to teach me. Dr. Westphalen was my substitute mother. She loved me better than my mother was ever capable of doing. You completed the family unit. You were the beloved, adored, envied older brother. I loved all of you with every inch of my being. It hurt so much when you and Dr. Westphalen decided not to return for the next tour. I understood why you both chose to leave. I don't blame you. I would have done the same if it had been me in your shoes. It still hurt and it took me a long time to get over that. I am sorry that it took me so long to come to terms with it. I wasted a lot of valuable time between us because I was too hurt to face you. We could have had all of the time while the current SeaQuest was being built to goof off and make new memories. Instead I refused to see you and now we have to make due with the handful of times I was able to visit with you during the second tour. 

            I am sorry. I am sorry that I wasted so much time. I am sorry that we left you here. I wish I could have told you goodbye before we disappeared. I would wish that you had come with us but I am glad that you did not have to go through that. Good people died. I would not have wanted to risk that you might have died too. I wish I had been here when Katie died.  You have not talked about it but I know her death must have devastated you. I wish I could have been here to help you through that time. You should not have had to go through that alone. 

            I wish you did not have to lose me again. I wish I did not have to do this to you. There just is not any other way. I can not live and stay on SeaQuest. I can not leave SeaQuest and live. It has to be this way. I have to do this. I am sorry that I am hurting you. I never wanted to hurt anyone. Please understand. I just can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't do better. I was not worth of your friendship but you gave it to me anyway. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. I love you.

            Goodbye.

Goodbye. Tears streamed down Ben's face as cracks appeared in his wall. Goodbye. The wall began falling, crumbling faster. Goodbye. Crashing, pain tore into Ben's open soul. Goodbye! GOODBYE!

            "Goodbye!" he screamed throwing the computer against the wall. "Is that all you have to say? Ten fucking years I waited for you! Ten years! Goodbye." He stumbled back grabbing his chair and smashing it against the wall. Slinging his arms around, he overturned the small table. 

            "Why?" he screamed through the tears. "Why are you leaving me? What did I do? Why!" He began ransacking the room intent on massive destruction. He was also searching for a weapon. Something. Anything to release the pain he was feeling. He was mad with grief and angry at the world.

            "Katie!" he screamed sobbing. "Why did you leave me?" Ben punched the wall. Kicking it. Hitting it. He continued his screaming assault on the wall until he sagged against it exhausted. "Why did you leave me?"

            "Ben?" asked Tim peaking his head into the room. "Ben!" He rushed over to the crumpled man. "What happened?"

            "What did I do wrong?" asked Ben plaintively. "Why do they always leave me?"

            "Shh, it's OK," murmured Tim pulling out his PAL. "Medbay, could you send someone to collect Mr. Krieg? Uh-huh. He's destroyed his room but he does not seem violent right now. OK, thanks." He sat there silently listening to Ben babble as he waited for the medics to arrive. 

            "Tim?" asked Ben finally recognizing the figure beside him.

            "Shh, Ben. What is it?"

            "Will you help me?"

            "What do you need?"

            "Kill me," he begged. 

            "What!" Tim sat back shocked. 

            "Please," pleaded Ben oblivious to Tim's reaction. He began to sob again. "It hurts. Please help me. Please kill me. They all want to leave me. Why can't I die too?"

            "Don't say that, Ben. You don't want to die," argued Tim frightened. Ben did not answer. He pressed his face into the floor continuing to cry. Why did it have to hurt so bad? He did not hear it when the medics entered the room. All of a sudden he felt hands touching him.

            "Get off!" he yelled struggling. "Let me go! Let me go!" One of the medics managed to get a needle in his arm releasing the stinging sedative into his system. He struggled weakly as it took effect dragging him into the darkness. The next time he woke he was strapped down to a hospital bed.

            "Why am I tied down?" he asked the nurse who was waiting for him to wake up. 

            "You became violent last night. They had to restrain you."

            "Untie me," he ordered pulling at the restraints. 

            "Sorry, sir. Now, I'll just go tell your friend that you're awake." She hurried out of the room. A second later, Jonathan was peaking into the room. He felt guilty over what had happened. He should have stayed with Ben to make sure that he was all right. 

            "Hey, how are you feeling?" asked Jonathan.

            "Let me go."

            "No," answered Jonathan firmly.

            "Please," he pleaded needing to escape the room. 

            "I can't."

"Let me up. Please, Jonathan, let me up," he begged becoming more desperate. 

            "And what would you do if I did?"

            "Probably find the nearest gun and kill myself," he said sobbing.

            "How could you say that? Why would you want to do that?"

            "What else do I have left?" he asked staring at the ceiling. "I am a failure at everything I do. I lost the one woman I have ever loved. My Katie's gone and I can never change that. I got my best friend back after ten years only to lose him again." He paused rubbing his cheek against his shoulder. Jonathan's mind raced trying to think of something to say to the distraught man. "There's nothing left for me. I might as well follow Lucas's example." Jonathan's hand whipped out slapping Ben across the face.

            "How dare you!" he growled. "Look around you!" he shouted. "Don't you think we have been through enough? Open your eyes. Each and every one of us is suffering because of what Lucas did. How could you even consider following in his footsteps? How could you even think of putting us through this again? How dare you! A friend would not want to do that to us," ended Jonathan harshly. His throat felt raw from yelling and he was still burning with anger. 

            "I'm sorry," whispered Ben through his tears. "I'm sorry but it hurts. It hurts so much." Jonathan's anger withered at the intense pain in Ben's voice. Before he knew what he was doing, he had removed the restraints and was cradling the broken man against his chest. 

            "I know. I know," he murmured gently. "We love him, too."

            "Why Lucas?" he asked piteously. "Wasn't losing Katie enough? Why Lucas?"

            "I don't know," he answered helplessly unable to do anything but hold Ben as he cried. He was uncomfortable being the comforter especially when it was a fellow male that he was comforting but he was not going to push Ben away. A nurse peeked in the check on Ben but he waved her away. Eventually, Ben's tears slowed to a halt and he rested in Jonathan's arms, exhausted. 

            "Thanks," he mumbled pulling away embarrassed. He shifted over curling up in a ball on the bed.

            "Don't feel embarrassed," stated Jonathan gently. "I am glad that I could be here for you. Whenever you need to talk, come find me or Tim or anyone of us. We understand. You do not have to keep it all inside."

            "I just feel so lost," he said hopelessly.

            "I know," replied Jonathan, "but suicide is not the answer. You just have to take a look around here to see that."

            "I know. I'm sorry." They were silent for a moment.

            "Would you mind if I gave you a roommate?" asked Jonathan abruptly.

            "Who?"

            "Lucas's roommate, Tony. He's been sleeping in Tim's room." He bit his lip considering how to word his thoughts. Ben looked at him uncertainly, not sure that he liked the idea. "The two of you were the closest to Lucas. The two of you have been having the hardest time dealing with all of this. I think you need each other right now."

            Ben thought silently for a moment. He remembered the overwhelming loneliness and hopelessness of being alone in his temporary quarters. He closed his eyes, sighing with fatigue. He was so tired. So very tired. "OK," he answered finally as he remembered that he had been asked a question. 

            "Go to sleep, Ben," urged Jonathan seeing how hard it was for him to keep his eyes open. He patted him on the shoulder then moved to get up.

            "Stay," he mumbled closing his eyes.

            "Sleep. I'll be here." Jonathan sat down in the chair beside the bed. He picked up a book and began to read. He was prepared to wait there for as long as Ben was asleep. He eventually fell asleep because he jerked awake when Ben spoke.

            "I want to see him." Ben's voice was hesitant as though he were asking Jonathan's permission.

            "I don't know if that is such a good idea right now, Ben."

            "I want to see him," he stated again with a hint of steel in his tone. It was clear that he was no longer asking.

            "Are you sure you are ready?" asked Jonathan. 

            "I need to see him," pleaded Ben. His dreams had stirred up uneasy memories of when Katie had died. One of the hardest things about losing her was the fact that he had never gotten a chance to say goodbye. He was afraid that if he waited he might miss his chance to say goodbye to Lucas. He needed to see him to reassure himself that he was still here and that he still had a chance to say goodbye.

            "Let me get the nurse. Stay here OK?" He waited for Ben to agree before leaving the room. 

            "How is he?" asked Tim standing up from his seat by Ben's door.

            "Better. He's not going to do anything stupid right now but I still don't want him alone. He's asking to see Lucas. I figured I had better go talk to a nurse before I took him somewhere." He rubbed his face tiredly.

            "Would you like me to go in and sit with him for a while?"

            "Please," he replied with relief. "Where's Tony?"

            "Lonnie's with him. I think they're reading." Jonathan nodded then went to find the nurse. Tim knocked on the door to Ben's room.

            "Come in," said Ben staring at the wall. He knew that if would not be Jonathan returning so soon and he did not really want to see anyone else. It felt strange to depend on the man he once spent so much time antagonizing. He had not known that he trusted Commander Ford so much.

            "Hey," greeted Tim quietly. Ben glanced up then returned his focus to the wall.

            "Hey," he replied just as quietly. The silence dragged out between them until it became uncomfortable. "I don't need a baby sitter, you know," he said finally a bit bitterly. 

            "I know. I'll leave if you want me to but it's hard being alone during a time like this. It's easier not to think about things when there are other people around you." His voice wavered slightly. "I-I don't really want to go back to my room right now."

            "I'm sorry. Stay." He sighed miserably. Great, he upset Tim. He looked over at the man who had once been a close friend. The sorrow etched into his face made him sigh again because he knew that he was adding to that grief. "I'll be OK," he offered.

            "I won't be," replied Tim laughing slightly as he wiped yet another batch of tears from his eyes.

            "Yes, you will."

            "I hope so," he whispered softly. They fell silent again but this time it was a more comforting silence. Ben felt better having offered Tim a little bit of reassurance. It was amazing how fast you went from being comforted to the comforter in times like these. 

            "So how are you holding up?" 

            "I don't know. I've been so busy worrying about everyone else that I do not think the worst has hit me yet."

            "It did not really hit me until I read his letter."

            "I have not read it yet," admitted Tim. "I guess maybe I don't want to admit that this is really happening."

            "Read it," ordered Ben softly. "You don't want to wait until too late."

            "I won't," promised Tim glancing at the other man. An understanding passed between the two of them that transcended words. Ben knew that Tim was having to deal with his unresolved grief over Miguel's death as well as his pain over the current situation. He knew because this was brining out all of his grief from Katie's death all over again. "So how are you doing?" continued Tim.

            "Better," answered Ben simply as Jonathan re-entered the room with a nurse in tow. 

            "How are you feeling, Mr. Krieg?" asked the nurse.

            "I am OK." She checked him over silently noting that his heart rate and blood pressure had returned to normal. 

            "All right," she said. "I'm going to let you out of here now but I want you to take it easy. Here, take this." As she watched him swallow the pill, she moved closer to Tim and Jonathan. "It's just a light sedative," she reassured them quietly, speaking low so that Ben would not overhear her. "It should keep him relatively calm while he's visiting Lucas. It would be best if he went somewhere quiet to rest afterwards but try not to leave him alone."

            "We'll take care of him." 

            "Ready?" asked Tim looking at Ben. He nodded silently. Now that he was on his way to see Lucas he began to feel nervous. He was worried that he would break down again at the sight of his friend lying there in the hospital bed. He began to tremble slightly. "Come on," said Tim gently. He followed them docilely down the hall until they turned to enter Lucas's area. 

            "I can't," he said suddenly bracing himself against the doorway to stop his movement. All of a sudden, he was terrified. He could not handle this right now. 

            "Yes, you can," stated Jonathan firmly. Tim reached over and took Ben's hand silently reassuring him the way he would reassure a small child. Together, the three of them entered Lucas's room. 

            "Lucas," breathed Ben softly stepping forward. The other two back off to let him talk to Lucas in relative privacy. He moved silently across the room. His vision blurred as liquid spilled across his cheeks. Ben did not notice as he had eyes only for Lucas. The boy looked smaller than he remembered lying there. He was so helpless, so fragile. Ben was almost afraid to breath on him for fear he'd blow away. Ever so gently, he reached out and brushed a lock of hair from his face. He ghosted his fingers across his face resting them on his arm. 

            "I should hate you, you know. I waited for you everyday for ten years. I never gave up hope. I never believed you were dead. The day I found out you were alive was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the one ray of sunshine in my bleak existence. Now you've taken that away and I may never see the sun again. I can't blame you though. I can't hate you. I understand what it's like when the pain consumes your existence and there does not seem to be any end. More than ever, I understand what it is like when you've crossed the last barrier and you can never go back. I understand what it is like to want to die." He paused wiping away his tears.

            "You were wrong though. This was not the right way. You should not have done this. We would have helped you. It was not as hopeless as it seemed. You have hurt all of us more deeply than you could ever have imagined. We are the ones who have to live with your actions. We are the ones who have to help each other through the pain that you've caused. You are the one who has abandoned us. We would have been here for you if we had known. If you had let us. You were wrong but I forgive you. I forgive you for causing me pain. I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you. I love you." 

            Tim and Jonathan moved closer to stand behind Ben. They stared down at the silent, still figure. We forgive you. We love you. 


	10. Kristin Westphalen

Kristin Westphalen stood in her living room sipping her morning cup of coffee. She stretched lightly sighing as her joints creaked. Turning around, the sunlight reflecting off of a picture frame caught her attention.  She moved closer smiling at the picture of her and Lucas and Nathan. They were dressed in their formal outfits smiling at the photographer. It had been taken at some charity fundraising dinner. She picked up the picture next to it. It was the group shot of the crew. She trailed her finger over the faces. 'So many friends. So many people lost,' she thought feeling older than her years. The former members of the crew had grown closer after SeaQuest disappeared but over the years many of them had died or drifted away. Even with SeaQuest being back, she was still alone. She had only spoken with Lucas and Nathan once since their return and both of those conversations had been strained and uncomfortable. Sadly, she wondered where their happy group had gone. The buzzing of the vid-screen disrupted her reverie and she set the photo back on the shelf. Hurrying into the other room, the accepted the call. 

"Commander Ford," she said surprised as the image appeared on her vid-screen. How ironic that she had just been thinking about SeaQuest and here she was receiving a call from them. 

"Dr. Westphalen," he replied in greeting. 

"It certainly has been a long time, Commander. To what do I owe the honor of this call and who is the gentleman beside you?" she asked with a guarded smile. Commander Ford had never been her favorite individual and through the years, her dislike of the military had only grown. 

"This is Captain Hudson," he said. 

"Pleased to meet you." The man was even more military in attitude than Commander Ford. She shuddered mentally, imagining how it would have been if he had been in charge during her tour on SeaQuest. 

"Ma'am," replied Hudson. "I'm afraid we have some bad news."

"Who?" she asked urgently all color draining from her face. She recognized his tone as the same one they had used when they had told her SeaQuest was gone. 

"It's Lucas," answered Jonathan. For the second time in her life, her world stood still. 

"No. Not Lucas. Not Lucas." She could not stop the tears that began to trail down her cheeks. Not again. She could not lose him again. She had not really had a chance to get him back yet. 

"He tried to kill himself yesterday," cried Jonathan. "He's still alive but he's getting worse. We don't know if he'll make it."

"Oh, Lucas. Lucas, no." She bowed her head letting the tears fall. What have they done to you to make you do something like that? What could have happened? She felt like the ground was falling out from beneath her. Before she could fall to pieces, she slowly began to gather herself back together. It took all of her experience as a doctor to compose herself. "I am coming to see him," she said firmly. No amount of argument would dissuade her from coming to see him. 

"There is a shuttle waiting to bring you here as soon as you are ready," replied Hudson immediately. She looked at him, surprised that there was no argument. She wondered if maybe her original judgment might have been a little harsh. A thought occurred to her. 

"Have you told him yet?" she asked softly. Nathan was going to need all of the support from his friends that he could get to help him through this. Lucas was his son in every way but blood or name. He was not going to take this well. 

"Not yet," answered Jonathan. She nodded sadly. 

"I need to go pack," she said abruptly wanting to get busy doing something before she began to cry again.

"I'll see you soon," replied Jonathan cutting the connection. She stared at the blank screen for a moment before moving off to pack. When she was finished packing, she called up a cab service to take her to the base to meet the shuttle. While she was waiting for the cab, she called the hospital and cancelled all of her appointments for the next week. The ride to the base was a silent one. She tried to spend her time on the shuttle going over some case files, that she had brought home to go over in more detail, but she could not focus. She kept replaying her last two conversations with Lucas over in her mind. 

"But why did you have to leave?" asked Lucas tearfully. It was only a month into the tour and he was having trouble adjusting to her absence. 

"Lucas, honey, we've been over this. The position they offered me was too good to turn down." She hated upsetting Lucas but she loved her new job.

"What about us? I thought we were your friends, your family!"

"You are but I've got to look out for my future. You still have the Captain." She was beginning to get exasperated with him. She could not keep having this conversation with him every week. 

"I understand," he replied quietly.

"Good. Listen, Lucas, I have to go. I've got an appointment in five minutes."

"Goodbye," said Kristen. 

"Bye," he replied softly with sad finality. She reached to close the connection but before it disconnected she heard him mutter bitterly, "Just like my mother and father." 

Over ten years went by before their next conversation. So many things changed for her during that time. She came to realize what she had lost when SeaQuest disappeared. She also dealt with the loss and moved on with her life. Things were awkward after they returned. She did not know where she stood with them anymore and she was afraid of being hurt if she opened up to them again. She was only just realizing now how difficult their last conversation must have been for Lucas. It was difficult enough for her with years separating the two conversations but for him it was only a couple of months. She could still hear them now struggling through the silences. She wished now that they had tried harder. She wished they had kept in contact after the first conversation. 

"Hey," he said stiffly, not meeting her gaze.

"Hi," she replied equally uncomfortable. 

"How have you been?" he asked finally.

"OK. A lot of things have happened of course but nothing really worth going into right now."

"I see," he replied glancing down again. 

"You've joined up, I see," she said unable to keep the disapproval from her tone.

"I'm a member of SeaQuest," he said simply as his expression became closed. 

"I'm sure you are," she said sadly at the changes she saw. 

"It was my decision."

"You've changed," she said softly.

"Because I'm in the military now?" he asked angrily. She had no reply for that. "Guess I'm not the only one who's changed."

"I guess not." She could not think of anything else to say to him.

"I've got to go," he said abruptly. She just nodded as he ended the call.

She sighed, wiping tears from her eyes. So many regrets. So many things she wished she could do over. She wished she had noticed then how desperate he was for he approval. How hurt he was when he did not get it. She wished she had told him how much she had missed him. She wished she had told him that she loved him. She wished. She wished, but wishes did not mean anything and she could not change the past. She gathered her things as the shuttle docked. She was determined to go out there and do her best to help her former crewmembers. She might not be able to change anything with Lucas but that did not mean she could not fix things with the others. The past could not be changed but this was her chance to mend the future. 

"Kristin," greeted Tim moving to embrace her as she stepped off of the shuttle. 

"Hey, Tim," she asked softly returning the hug. She was surprised as Commander Ford stepped forward to embrace her next. Grief was evident in both of their faces and she felt sorrow for both of them. Hugging Jonathan, she was struck by how much everyone had changed. There was a sadness on the ship that went beyond the current situation. "How is he?"

"There have not been any changes in the past few hours."

"Can I see him?"

"We've cleared it so that you have access to all of his records. If you want to, you can become his doctor for the duration of your stay."

"Thank you," she said softly wiping away a few escaping tears. She was grateful to them for the favor. She knew that nothing would have been more excruciating than to sit back and wait for updates while someone else was taking care of Lucas for her. 

"I'll take you to Medbay," offered Tim. 

"I know the way," she replied with a slight smile.

"I don't think the Captain really wants you wandering around the boat," stated Tim with a shrug. "Besides, I figured you could use the company."

"Thanks. How are you holding up?"

"I think the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I have people depending on me."

"If you need to talk about it."

"Thanks but right now I'm just worried. Lucas's roommate is taking all of this really hard. I'm worried about him and about Lucas." She patted his shoulder offering him her support. She knew that this must be a thousand times harder for the close-knit crew. As they entered Medbay a woman came forward to meet them. "Dr. Westphalen, this is Dr. Perry. She's been in charge of Lucas's care. Dr. Perry, this is Dr. Westphalen. She'll be joining your staff for the time being."

Kristin shook hands with the woman then turned to Tim. "Thank you for walking with me."

"You're welcome, Doctor," he replied with a sad smile before leaving the room. 

"Shall we go over the chart first?" asked Dr. Perry motioning towards her office. 

"Yes, please," replied Kristin following her. Switching into doctor mode, she was able to distance herself from the situation. 

"He was in shock when he was brought in yesterday. We immediately began fluids and hooked him up to a ventilator. These are the x-rays and MRI's that were taken prior to surgery. You can see here the line of damage and here's the bullet lodged in his corpus callosum. These were the MRI's that were taken last night and this morning. You can clearly see that all bleeding in the area has been stopped."

"Can I see the notes from the surgery?"

"Sure," replied Dr. Perry flipping through the file to the correct page. Kristin read briefly through the notes detailing how Dr. Perry had entered the skull, the procedures used during the surgery, and the installation of a shunt. She nodded approvingly seeing everything that she would have done in the same situation. She turned the page and scanned down the list of medications and doses. 

"Why have you increased the antibiotics?" Dr. Perry flipped to the front of the file where the vital signs were being recorded.

"His temperature began rising this morning. We think he might have an infection."

"He stopped breathing last night," murmured Kristin to herself reading the chart. "Hmm, his blood pressure is a little low but his heart rate is still within the normal range."

"His vitals are not what's worrying me," replied Dr. Perry. She pulled out a couple of CAT scans.  "Take a look at these. This one was taken yesterday."

"There is not a lot of activity showing around the injured area," she said looking at the colorful diagram of Lucas's brain. 

"This one was taken today." Kristin looked at it and gasped softly. Almost all portions of Lucas's brain were showing a decrease in activity although none had reached the level of inactivity nor were any as bad as the injured section. "The EEG's are showing the same kind of decrease. So far they are inversely proportionate to the amount of pressure within Lucas's skull. We are hoping that they will begin to rise when the pressure starts decreasing."

"How high is it?" Kristin bit her lip when Dr. Perry told her the number. "Can we increase the medication?"

"We're already exceeding recommended doses. He's just not responding to them."

"Surgery?" she asked afraid that she already knew the answer.

"He would not survive the initial inflammatory response to the surgery."

"So all we can do is wait and pray that he takes a turn for the better," replied Kristin with a sad sigh. 

"Exactly," said Dr. Perry echoing her sigh. "Would you like to go see him now?"

"Please."

"He's down the hall to the right." 

"Thanks," she said. The layout of MedBay had not changed so she easily found her way to Lucas's room. She automatically scanned all of the monitors as she entered the room. The numbers she found matched the last ones recorded in his chart suggesting that for the time being anyway he had stabilized. All thoughts of medicine fled when she looked at him. Every motherly instinct in her body was screaming at her to protect this boy. He looked so helpless and innocent lying there. Gently, she leaned over and kissed his brow. "I'm here, baby. I'm here. I'm going to take care of you as best I can." 

She did not know how long she stayed there with him before she heard a sound behind her. She spun around to see Nathan standing there with tears streaming down his face. He did not notice her as he crossed the room burying his face on Lucas's chest. Gently, she rubbed his back as he sobbed, murmuring reassurances to him. The only thing that showed he knew she was there was his hand coming up to clinch onto her hand. She waited in silence as his sobs slowed and eventually stopped. She could not stop her tears for the two people she loved most in this world. 

"I'm sorry," he said finally, releasing her hand. 

"Don't be," she replied softly, massaging the feeling back into the hand.

"Why would he do something like this?" he asked brokenly. 

"I don't know." She pulled him up into an embrace as she looked down at the silent blonde. They leaned on each other drawing strength from each other. "Have you eaten?"

"No."

"Then I'm taking you down to the mess hall," she stated firmly. She gently led him from the room. She was not surprised to find Commander Ford and Captain Hudson waiting worriedly outside the door. They followed her down to the mess hall where Lonnie, Tim, and Tony joined them. The meal was a quiet one but they ate better because they were in each other's company. As she prepared to head back to MedBay, Commander Ford handed her a small disk.

"What is this?" she asked. 

"It contains a letter for you and a note from Lucas," he replied too softly for the others to hear.

"Thank you." She pocketed the disk and left the room. She gave one last glance back at Nathan knowing that she was going to need to have a long talk with him soon. She stopped by Medbay and was encouraged by the fact that the pressure appeared to be finally decreasing. She decided to take a nap then read her letter. 

Dear Kristin,

            I don't know exactly what I want to say but I'll try to make this as brief as possible. First of all, I would like to say that I am sorry for disappointing you by becoming an ensign. It was the only way that I could remain on SeaQuest. I did not figure out until later that I was completely and totally inept at military matters. I messed up everything. The last straw for Captain Hudson was when I disobeyed his direct order so that I could attempt to rescue my father. He wanted to kick me off the boat then. I know he will kick me off the next time I screw up. You probably do not understand why this is such a big deal but SeaQuest is my home and these people are my only family. I could not wait around until I was exiled forever. This was the only way I could stay. 

            I wish things had been different between us when SeaQuest disappeared. It did not seem like ten years to us but I know that it must have been an eternity to you. I am sorry that you had to go through that time knowing that we had not been on speaking terms when SeaQuest disappeared. I was very angry with you for leaving me. It hurt. It was like my parents all over again only you were more of a mother to me than my mother could ever be. It was not until the Captain left that I realized how big of a baby I had been over the whole situation. You had your own life and I had no claim on you. I had no right to expect you to give something up over me. 

            We were a family. You, me, the Captain, and even Ben. I miss that. All of the crew are like family to me in one capacity or another but it does not come close to matching the happiness I found in our little family unit. That first tour was the happiest time of my life. I wish it could have gone on forever. Oh, well. All good things must come to an end. 

            I am sorry that the last words I spoke to you were in anger. I wish you had something better to remember me by instead of that conversation. At the time things were often strained between those of us who disappeared and the people we left behind. It does not excuse my behavior but perhaps it will explain it a bit. I am sorry that I am disrupting you life again by doing this. I never wanted to hurt anyone but it seems to be about the only thing I am good at lately. Thank you for everything you've done for me over the years. Thank you for treating me like a son. No one would have blamed you if you had wanted nothing to do with me. Thank you for caring. I'm sorry that it's brought you nothing but pain. I love you, Mom.

                        Your son in spirit, Lucas

Oh, Lucas. My poor Lucas. You brought me so much more than pain. I will always cherish the memories of the times we had together. I am sorry that I hurt you so much by leaving you. If I had it to do all over again, I would probably stay. Kristin wiped at her tears but more fell for every one she wiped away. I love you. I wish I could have been here to protect you. I wish I could have been here to sooth away your hurt. She opened the other file on the disk. She read the note briefly crying harder at all of the pain she heard through his words. She wanted to yell and scream at the people who had hurt him but they were all guilty of that crime. We who loved him the most hurt him the worst. 

"Dr. Westphalen," came Dr. Perry's voice from her temporary PAL. 

"Yes," replied Kristin after a brief pause to compose herself. 

"We need you down in MedBay." The tone of Dr. Perry's voice told her that the news was not good. 

"I'll be right there," she said hurrying to get dressed. Within five minutes, she was walking into Dr. Perry's office. Dr. Perry looked up at her through tired blood-shot eyes. Quietly, she shut the door motioning Kristin towards a chair.

"The pressure began decreasing in Lucas's skull a few hours ago. It appears that the medications are finally taking effect. We thought that he was finally taking a turn for the better."

"But?"

"These are the EEG's that have been taken over the past few hours." Kristin took the readouts. She paled slightly as she saw that the brainwave activity had continued to drop. Not only had it continued to drop but also the rate at which it was decreasing had doubled. She glanced at the time on the last one and saw that it had been taken a couple of hours ago.

"Where are the others?" 

"This is the most recent one," answered Dr. Perry quietly handing her another printout.  Kristin looked down at the values and promptly dropped the sheet.

"There must be a mistake."

"They took the readout three times. They were all the same."

"No. You don't understand! There has to be a mistake," she said somewhat wildly. It felt like her heart had stopped beating. She struggled to speak past the lump in her throat. "That can't be correct. That's my son. I love him. It has to be wrong!" She could not control the tears that streamed down her face. All professional composure had vanished at the sight of that printout. 

"I'm sorry, Kristin, but it is not a mistake.  That does not mean, however, that the readings can not change. It has happened before."

"I don't want to lose him," cried Kristin resting her forehead on the back of her chair. 

"None of us want to lose him. We are doing all that we can for him right now. In the morning we will run some more tests and re-evaluate then."

"What about the others?"

"What about them?"

"What are we going to tell them?"

"Kristin, we are not going to tell them anything until we run the tests in the morning."

"I suppose," she said dazed. 

"Why don't you go back to your room and get some rest? I just thought you would like to know immediately."

"Thank you," she replied softly standing up to leave. She had no intention of going back to sleep but she knew that in her current state she would just be in the way if she stayed there. She stepped out into the hallway leaning up against the wall until she had herself under more control. That accomplished she got herself a cup of coffee then went to sit with Lucas. She would feel a lot better being near him. 

"Hey," she said unsurprised to find Nathan seated beside Lucas. 

"Hi," he replied glancing up briefly. She moved forward to kiss Lucas gently on the forehead. 

"Hey, there, Lucas," she whispered softly. "You fight this. We love you very much and we do not want to lose you."

"Is he going to die?" asked Bridger quietly.

"More than likely," she replied just as quietly. 

"Thank you for telling me the truth," he said never taking his eyes off of the figure in the bed. 

"He's so beautiful. Someone as bright, and wonderful, and alive as Lucas should not be lying in a hospital bed like this." She dabbed at her eyes. 

"It makes you wonder how we could have all gone so wrong."

"Lucas is not the type of person who shares his problems easily."

"It's not just that," insisted Nathan. "I left him, Kris. I abandoned him. I let him down."

"You can not blame yourself, Nathan. Yes, it hurt him when you left but that was not the only factor that lead to this. This was a lot of things. This was years in the making. We all let him down. We all missed the signs. This was not your fault."

"It feels like it is," he said crying. 

"I know it does. I feel the same way but it is not our fault. This is no one's fault. This was Lucas's choice." 

She moved closer until they were leaning on each other. Sitting there together keeping watch over their adopted son, they chatted through the night. They caught up with what the other had been doing for the past few years or months as the case may be. Sometime after dawn, Dr. Perry came in to check on Lucas. She insisted that Kristin and Nathan go get something to eat. After breakfast, Nathan took a brief nap while Kristin assisted with the tests they were running on Lucas. She was kept so busy that she did not have time to deal with the emotional aspect of the situation. Just before lunch, they called a meeting in the wardroom. 

            A hush fell over the room as she and Dr. Perry entered the room side by side. SeaQuest's officers, past and present, sat around the table. The mood was very subdued for a gathering of such vivid personalities. By some silent agreement, no one spoke above a whisper. Everyone wondered why he or she had been called together. Not even the two Captains sitting together at the head of the table knew the reason for the gathering. Coming to stand at the foot of the table, they faced the group.

            "Gentlemen," began Dr. Perry. "I am sure that you all know the subject of this meeting." Fear sprang into their eyes. It can't be. Don't tell me that he's gone. Don't tell me that he's gone. 

            "We are Lucas's family. No one on this boat will deny this fact. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully. We do not have to reach a decision right away but we will have to decide." 

            "As the swelling around Lucas's brain rose, the rate of brainwave activity dropped. We hoped that when the swelling stopped the rates would increase. Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."

            "We monitored him throughout the day but the readings stayed the same. Every test we have run has confirmed the results," said Kristin, taking over for Dr. Perry. "We still want to monitor him for another twenty-four hours but as of right now, Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead. 


	11. Nathan Bridger

I had originally hoped to have this series completed before it became a year old but as you can see that did not happen. There are two more sections left. They will be posted together. 

"Mr. Bridger, there are to gentlemen on the vid-screen for you."

"Thank you, Celia. Could you finish getting Michael ready for his nap?"

"Certainly."

"Oliver, Jonathan," greeted Nathan smiling as he stepped in front of the screen. 

"Nathan," said Hudson gruffly. The smile froze as Bridger looked back and forth between each man.

"What's wrong?" he asked anxiously. They looked like men who had to be the bearer of bad news and neither wanted to be the one to say it first. 

"We need you to come to SeaQuest immediately," answered Hudson evasively. 

"Why? What's happened?"

"I'm sorry, Nathan, but," Oliver broke off unable to say the words. Nathan felt ice crawling down his spine. The news was bad. The news was very bad. 

"It's Lucas," continued Jonathan staring at a spot above the screen. Nathan was not surprised at the news but it still hit him hard. "He-he shot himself." 

Nathan felt like someone had reached up and stabbed him in the heart. His knees refused to bear his weight and he collapsed into the chair behind him. Images of Lucas flashed through his head. Lucas laughing. Lucas demanding his own salary. Lucas giving him a father's day present. Lucas telling him goodbye as Lucas stood there in his officer's uniform. Lucas. "Is he alive?" he asked hoarsely as he regained control of his vocal cords.

"He's on life support," answered Hudson. "Last report is that his condition keeps deteriorating." He closed his eyes trying to stem the flow of tears but they trailed down his cheeks headless of his efforts to remain composed.

"They don't think he'll live," finished Jonathan making no effort to hide his tears. Nathan drew in a shuddering breath. He did not seem aware of the fact that tears were streaming down his face. 

"Why would he want to do something like that?" he asked. 

"There were a lot of reasons, none of which make much sense," replied Jonathan.  "He left a note and personal letters for everyone. You'll get to read yours when you arrive."

"I need to pack and make arrangements for Michael," stated Bridger hesitantly. He began making a list of things he had to do in order to distract him from the growing pain. 

"Are you going to be all right, Nathan?" asked Oliver anxiously. 

"Yeah," he replied softly. Images of Robert flashed briefly through his mind followed by scenes of his wife's last moments. "I've been through this before." Without thinking, he reached up and ended the call before they could say anything else. "Celia?" he asked unsteadily.

"Yes, Mr. Bridger." 

"Could you watch over Michael for a few days?" he heard himself ask.

"Of course, what is wrong?"

"My son needs me," he replied distantly moving to pack some clothes.

"Robert?!"

"No, Lucas."

"Is he hurt?" she asked worriedly.

"He might be dying," he answered in a trembling voice. "I have to pack before the shuttle arrives."

"I'm so sorry to hear that, Mr. Bridger. Now you just lie down here and I'll take care of everything."

"Thank you, Celia," he said accepting her help to lie down on the sofa. He stared up at the ceiling blankly tears leaking down his cheeks. Lucas. Please not again. Not Lucas. Lucas. 

"Mr. Bridger, Mr. Bridger," called Celia gently shaking his shoulder. He groaned slightly as he sat up and looked at her with eyes blurred with tears. "The men are here to get you." Dazed, Nathan stood up and glanced around the room.

"Grandda?" Michael stood off to the side watching him with a slightly frightened expression on his face.

"Go hug your granddad, Michael," ordered Celia bending down beside him. "He's worried about a friend and he needs your love."

"Oh, Michael," said Nathan squeezing the boy tight as he came over and hesitantly embraced his grandfather. "I love you so very much." He latched onto his love for this boy and the boy's need for him like a lifeline. The boy was his anchor that would keep him from losing himself again in the onslaught of pain. "I have to go away for a little while."

"No! No, Grandda! Don't leave me!" cried Michael clinging to his grandfather. For a moment, Nathan just stared at him confused then he realized what this must look like to Michael who had already lost one set of parents.

"I'm not going to be leaving forever," he told the boy gently. "I should be back by Saturday. I just have to go visit a friend who is sick."

"But you'll come back?" 

"I'll come right back. I'm not leaving you, Michael." Michael stared up at him absently sucking on his thumb. 

"OK," he answered finally with a grin. He gave his grandfather one more hug then ran up to his room to play. Nathan watched him leave with a slight smile on his face. 

"Here's your bag, Mr. Bridger," said Celia handing him a duffle. Without warning, she pulled him into a giant hug. "You need anything, anything at all. You call me."

"Thank you, Celia," replied Nathan returning the hug. For all of her formal manners, Celia had managed to become a part of the small Bridger family. The scene with Michael had helped him regain his composure so he was calm when he walked out to meet the crewmen from SeaQuest waiting in the foyer. 

"Our sympathies, Captain," stated the first crewman after they had saluted him. 

"Thank you," answered Nathan quietly following them to the shuttle. The trip passed quickly. He spent most of the time ignoring his companions, staring into space. For a time, he could see nothing but Lucas's phantom face.

"Captain, we have arrived."

"Thank you," he answered again standing to exit the shuttle. Tony, Lonnie, Jonathan and Oliver Hudson stood waiting for him as he boarded his boat. He paused for a second hoping for that rush of pride and excitement that usually came when he first stepped on SeaQuest. The rush did not come. All he felt was a quiet, empty, dread. He automatically returned the salute that his former friends and crew were giving him. "Lucas?" he asked before they could speak. He was suddenly terrified that he had gotten here too late to say goodbye. 

"The same."

"Ah," he said feeling relief and disappointment in equal portions.

"We're not going to hold up letting you see him with small talk," stated Hudson bluntly. His gruff tone abruptly gave way to uncertainty. "I just- I just want to say I'm sorry," he blurted out in a rush.

"We all are, sir," echoed Tony stepping forward. 

"If there is anything we can do…." Lonnie looked at him as though she was holding herself back from smothering him with hugs. 

"So am I," answered Nathan looking at them through sad eyes. "I wish there was something we could do to change this but we can't. He made our decisions for us."

"Captain? May I lead you to his room?" asked Jonathan hesitantly.

"Thank you, Jonathan," he replied squeezing him slightly on the shoulder. They began their quiet walk through the boat with the others following behind them unnoticed. The first thing he noticed as he peered into the MedBay room was Kristin sitting by the bed. For a moment, she was all that he could see. She was as breathtakingly beautiful as ever. It was the light glittering off of one of her silent tears that brought him back to himself and he directed his attention back to the central figure in this room. A strangled gasp broke free of his throat as he caught his first glimpse of Lucas. 

Unbidden tears streamed down his face as he felt his heart breaking. This was his Lucas; his beautiful, wonderful Lucas; that was lying in that horrible bed attached to any number of medical devices. Where was the vibrant boy that he had adopted into his heart as a son? What happened to the silent youth he had known? Where had he gone wrong to let things get this bad? He did not notice that Kristin had moved as he crossed the room burying his face on Lucas's chest. Unconsciously, he responded to her comforting whispers and touches by reaching up to grasp her hand. He did not know how long he stayed in this position but slowly the tears stopped and he was able to rebuild some semblance of control.  

"I'm sorry," he said finally, releasing her hand. 

"Don't be," she replied softly.

"Why would he do something like this?" he asked brokenly. 

"I don't know." She pulled him up into an embrace as they looked down at the silent blonde. They leaned on each other drawing strength from each other. "Have you eaten?"

"No." The thought of food made his stomach curl but he knew better than to tell her that. 

"Then I'm taking you down to the mess hall," she stated firmly. She gently led him from the room. He nodded quietly to Jonathan and Oliver who were waiting worriedly outside the door. He tried to smile at them to reassure them that he was not going to break into a thousand pieces but the effort was too much for him. His slight quirk of his lips trembled and he wondered if he might actually end up fracturing into a thousand pieces before all of this was over. Picking up a tray, he loaded a health serving of unappetizing food onto his plate then went to sit down where the others were gathering along with Tim, Lonnie, and Tony. 

            "We should have done this before," said Tim quietly. "It would have been nice to have seen everyone."

            "We should have done a lot of things differently," said Nathan in an equally quiet, regret-filled voice. 

            "We can't change the past," asserted Oliver gruffly. 

            "No, we can't," agreed Kristin sadly. They finished eating in silence. Soon Kristin was standing up to go put away her tray. Nathan watched curiously as Jonathan followed her and handed her something.

            "What was that all about?" asked Nathan nodding to the duo.

            "Let's discuss it in my quarters," suggested Hudson shifting uncomfortably. Nathan watched him for a second weighing the possibilities before nodding his agreement.  They stood together and moved to throw away the rest of their food. Neither man had anything to say as they walked through the corridors each saluting the passing crew. Nathan's first glimpse of Hudson's quarters sent him reeling. It drove home the reminder that this was not his boat any longer. Two images juxtaposed on his vision: his quarters and Hudson's. He shook his head lightly banishing the image of his quarters. Glancing over at the small bench, he blinked. 
    
    "I just came by to tell you I thought it was very… effective the way you handled the situation," said the precocious blonde boy lounging on the bench. 
    
                "Effective?  Thanks," replied his younger self. 
    
                "You gonna stay, or what?"
    
                "It's not that simple." A blind man could have seen the disappointment that flashed across the teen's face.
    
                "Why not?  Come on, you like it here, don't you?  I mean, it is your boat." His slightly whining voice was filled with innocence. 
    
                "I made a promise." Tears flooded his eyes blotting out the image and he closed his eyes.
    
                "Captain? Captain? Are you all right, Nathan?" Hudson's worried voice covered up the fading voices but Nathan was able to catch one last whisper.
    
                "I guess they didn't count on things changing." (To Be or Not to Be Part Two)
    
                "I'm sorry, Oliver," he said finally. He wiped briefly at his face then turned around to meet the worried Captain's gaze. 
    
                "It's OK, Nathan. I understand."
    
                "No, you don't!" he snapped. "I've already lost one son and now I'm about to lose another one and they're both my fault!"
    
                "How is it your fault? He was my man. I pushed him too hard. I failed to live up to my duties as a Captain."
    
                "I left him. I promised I would never leave him then as soon as I had a connection to Robert I left him. What kind of a father am I to fail both of my sons?"
    
                "You made mistakes, Nathan. We all made mistakes. Some hard, horrible things have happened to some very undeserving people. Lucas just couldn't take it anymore and refused to allow us in to help him. Lucas did this. We did not make him chose this path," said Oliver knowing that all of this could easily apply to himself.
    
                "I know," stated Nathan with a sigh. "Logically, I know all of this. I just can not convince my heart."
    
                "Neither can I.," echoed Oliver softly. 
    
                "This is not your fault, Oliver."
    
                "Wasn't I just saying that to you?" asked Oliver with a slight twist of his lips. 
    
                "So you were," smiled Nathan briefly. "Really, though. You've done a remarkable job with this group considering the circumstances."
    
                "This group has been through more trouble than any group deserves." 
    
                "We all have." Before the conversation could become more morose, Hudson dug into his pocket bringing out a disk. 
    
                "This is for you. It is a copy of his suicide note and a letter for you. In typical Lucas fashion, he made sure to write goodbyes for each of us. You can read it here if you'd like to," he said indicating his computer.
    
                "Thank you," replied Nathan stunned. "I'd like that."
    
                "I'll leave you then. Page my PAL if you need anything." Oliver slipped out the door leaving Nathan staring blankly at the disk. Silently, Nathan scooted over to the computer and inserted the disk. He read briefly through the first note stumbling over the phrase: 'I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.'  'It was my fault,' he thought, tears of horror pouring down his cheeks. 
    
                "Oh Lucas, what have I done?"
    
                ~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
    
                "I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.  I'm sorry," he repeated as he read through the note. Much of the note applied to things that had happened after he had left SeaQuest. To things that he had abandoned Lucas to suffer through alone. Numbly, he opened the second letter.
    
                ~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
    
                I did not know how to address this letter. Dear Captain was too formal. Dear Nathan was not formal enough. Finally, I decided to call you something that I've been wanting to call you almost since we first met…..
    
                Dear Dad,
    
                            I am writing this with a plethora of emotions.  Grief because I will never see you again and I never wanted to go without saying goodbye.  Sadness because I must leave you and this will hurt you. You don't deserve to be hurt any more.  Anger because you left me when you promised you'd never go. Understanding because I know what caused you to leave. Forgiveness because I love you and I can not say that I would not have made the same decision if I were in your shoes. Shame because I have failed you as a son.  Pride because you have been such a wonderful father. The emotion I am feeling most of all needs no explanation. I love you.
    
                ~ I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
    
                It hurt a lot when you left. I thought it was a rejection. I thought you did not love me anymore once you found proof that Robert was still alive. I thought maybe all I had ever been to you was a replacement. I talked to Tim a lot about it and I came to understand that Michael needed you more than I did right then. Then came the incident with the bioskin. I was so angry with you for refusing to listen to me. Suddenly, my opinions were not as valuable as yours were anymore. Suddenly, you did not believe in me anymore. And when you were right I did not believe in me anymore either. It took hearing my father say he loved me and truly meaning it to get me past those two issues. It took thinking he was alive and then finding out he was dead after all I had risked to realize that none of that mattered. 
    
                ~ I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~
    
                What mattered was the warm glow I felt whenever you told me, "Good job." What mattered was how much fun we had the first time you took me fishing.  What mattered was the challenge of working together to design the new SeaQuest.  What mattered were baseball games and shore leave and dinners with Dr. Westphalen. What mattered was that somewhere during that first tour, we became a family. We are a family and that's all that matters.  Distance couldn't break us apart. Michael could not break us apart. Even wounded egos were no match for out bond.  I was stupid to be hurt by something so dumb. I was stupid to let it get in the way of our relationship. I just wish I had figured it out earlier when there was still time to fix things.
    
                But I don't have a lot of time left. I know that you can't really understand all of this. You haven't been here to go through all of these things with us. When Brody died, it was horrible. We all miss Miguel and Wendy but we don't remember when or how they died. If they died. With Brody, we were there. We watched him die. It was….I can't even describe it. Then Freddy died. She was one of Hudson's men. She loved to fly. She confessed to me one time that her psych chip might be able to tone down the fear she felt flying but nothing could take away from the joy of it. She traded her life for Kimura's. They were hard times. Fighting's hard. Adjusting to the ten-year gap in our lives is even harder. Adjusting to the military is the hardest. 
    
                ~ Ever since the Captain left.~
    
                I've tried so hard to adjust. I've tried so hard to be the perfect ensign but nothing I do comes out right. I've been so horrible to my friends. I don't know why they don't hate me already. I messed things up with you. Kristin hates me because I've joined the military. Ben's changed so much that I don't know if our friendship could ever be repaired. Tony won't speak to me because I've treated him so bad. Tim would hate me if he found out I'd been making friends with Kimura. And Captain Hudson….he thought I should have been placed in military prison for my last screw up. Everyway you look at it, it comes out the same: I'm a failure. 
    
                ~ Ever since the Captain left.~
    
                So you see I have to do this.  I am going to be sent away from SeaQuest the next time I mess up. I can not sit around her waiting for the next mistake to come. Being sent away from SeaQuest would destroy me. All of my friends and family are here. The only real happiness I've found has been here. This is my home. I can not leave her. This is the only way I can stay. Please understand that. I never wanted to hurt anyone least of all you. I love you. You raised me. You're my family. I will forever be grateful for everything you've done for me. But it's not enough. Your love can not protect me any longer. No one's love can keep me from making that final mistake that gets me exiled. I can not wait around for that. I must act now while I still can. Believe me when I say this is the only way. 
    
                I'm sorry it had to be this way. I'm sorry that I have to leave you. Remember that I love you and maybe one day you will be able to forgive me.
    
                            Your son, Lucas
    
                Stunned. Numb. Overwhelmed. Crushed. Lost. He either felt everything or nothing and he was not sure which it was. He cried because he had been too blind to see how much pain Lucas had been in. He cried and wished with all his might that there was some way he could make up for the time he had lost. He could not regret leaving SeaQuest, not when Michael needed him so much. At the same time he wondered how he had ever been able to leave Lucas. He wondered how he had ever thought Lucas was old enough to handle working under Captain Hudson. Hudson was obviously blinded by Lucas's genius and chronological age. Hudson had not been around Lucas enough to know that everything comes with a price. For every leap and bound Lucas could make intellectually,  he was amazingly immature in other areas.  His people skills were particularly underdeveloped especially when they required him to be in authority over someone.  Lucas had never had a chance to develop these skills while growing up. It was no wonder he had struggled so much as an ensign. 
    
                Forgetting the disk in its drive, he stumbled out of the room. Whatever else might be going through his head, he knew that he needed to see Lucas. He did not know what he was going to do when he got to the room. Maybe cry, curse….apologize. But he knew that he needed to see Lucas. 
    
                "There's already someone in there, sir," said a nurse as she stopped him from rushing into the room.
    
                "Please," he said, the desperate need clear in his voice. 
    
                "Hold on," she said ducking into the room. A second later, she came out indicating that he could enter. He quietly pushed the door open to reveal Tony standing by the bed.
    
                "It just isn't fair, sir," said Tony turning a tear-streaked face towards the Captain.  "This wasn't supposed to happen to Lucas. Not to Lucas." Nathan stared at the other man unable to produce words from his suddenly blank mind. "I'm sorry," said Tony. "I'll go."
    
                "It's OK. You can stay." 
    
                "Nah, you need to talk to him right now. If it is all right with you, I'll come back a little later and sit with you." Nathan nodded and Tony gave him a brief, sad smile before slipping out of the room. 
    
                "Oh, Lucas," sighed Nathan exhausted. "What am I going to do with you?" He reached down and gently brushed a lock of hair from Lucas's forehead. "I hope you know that I love you, kiddo.  You're as much a son to me as Robert was. I'm honored that you thought of me as a father. I just wanted you to know that I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm so sorry that I left and broke my promises. I wish there was some way that I could fix everything."
    
                "I wish you hadn't done this. No matter how much it hurts and no matter how much this seemed like the right thing to do, suicide is never the answer. As long as you are alive then there's hope. This….this solves nothing. It just hurts everyone around you and ends a promising life that could have been so much more if you had just hung on a little longer. I wish you had waited if not for yourself then for us. I wish…I wish things could have been different for us. Better." 
    
                He lapsed into wistful silence. He sat there watching over Lucas protecting him the way he had not been around to do. About an hour later, Tony came peeping in the door. He entered silently and took a seat on the opposite side of the bed. Together they kept watch. Some time later, Tony left and he continued standing guard alone. 

"Hey," said Kristin entering the room. He could not have said how much time had passed while he had been sitting there. It could have been hours or minutes after Tony had left for all he had noticed.  

"Hi," he replied glancing up briefly. She moved forward to kiss Lucas  gently on the forehead. 

"Hey, there, Lucas," she whispered softly. "You fight this. We love you very much and we do not want to lose you."

"Is he going to die?" asked Bridger quietly. He thought just asking the question was going to be more than he could handle and his voice trembled.

"More than likely," she replied just as quietly. 

"Thank you for telling me the truth," he said never taking his eyes off of the figure in the bed. As much as the truth hurt, it was better than false hope.

"He's so beautiful. Someone as bright, and wonderful, and alive as Lucas should not be lying in a hospital bed like this." She dabbed at her eyes. 

"It makes you wonder how we could have all gone so wrong." How could I not have seen what I was doing to him?

"Lucas is not the type of person who shares his problems easily." 'Then it was our responsibility to reach out to him,' argued Nathan silently.

"It's not just that," insisted Nathan. "I left him, Kris. I abandoned him. I let him down."
    
                ~ I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left.~

"You can not blame yourself, Nathan. Yes, it hurt him when you left but that was not the only factor that lead to this. This was a lot of things. This was years in the making. We all let him down. We all missed the signs. This was not your fault."

"It feels like it is," he said crying. 

"I know it does. I feel the same way but it is not our fault. This is no one's fault. This was Lucas's choice." She moved closer until they were leaning on each other.  They at there in comfort silence as the night passed quietly. The only interruption was the occasional visit from a nurse.

"So how have you been?" asked Kristin, looking to spark some conversation.

"Good. I'm back on my island raising my grandson."

"Grandson!"

            "Yeah, Robert's boy. He's living proof that my son is out there somewhere," Nathan smiled.

            "Do you have pictures?" He pulled out his wallet and showed her a few pictures. "Oh, he's adorable. He looks to be about the same age as my grandson."

            "You're a grandmother?!"

            "What can I say? I age well," she replied with a slight smirk. "I have a granddaughter named Emily who's seven and a grandson named Kyle who's five."

            "I'd like to meet them one day."

            "We'll have to get together some time. The kids will have a ball."

            "So how have you been?" 

            "I'm still working at the same hospital. I still love my work. It's strange being back here. It brings back so many memories. I never lost hope, you know," she said quietly.

            "Most people did," he replied just as quietly. "I'm glad you didn't."

            "Hey, you two," said Dr. Perry entering the room. She smiled at the duo before moving about checking on Lucas. Finished, she turned to them once again. "I bet you haven't eaten. Why don't you head down to the Mess Hall?"

            "No, that's OK. I'm not hungry."

            "She's right. We need to eat." Kristin would not take no for an answer. She bullied him into going to eat breakfast with her then sent him off to take a nap while she returned to MedBay. Not in the mood to argue, he went along with her going so far as to actually lie down in his guest room. The quiet, unfamiliarity of the room unnerved him and he found himself unable to sleep despite not having slept the night before. Tired of staring up at his ceiling, he got up and made his way to the moonpool. Sitting by the tranquil water, he could not help but remember the first day he met Lucas. His vision blurred over and he could again see the past. He was so much younger then. He was frustrated by his friend Noyce and the fact that Darwin had been dolphin-napped and placed on SeaQuest. Then Darwin had talked.

            "This is some kind of game, huh," he had said then out of no where came this blond-headed,  pompous, teenaged kid
    
                "Oh, it's no game.  Cutting edge technology."
    
                "Lucas Wolenczak, Nathan Bridger.  Lucas designed the system that allows Darwin to speak," said Noyce stunning his younger self.
    
                "You sound surprised, Captain.  Or maybe just a little jealous." Ooh, he had wanted to wash that boy's mouth out with soap for speaking to an adult like that. And to suggest that HE, Nathan Bridger, was jealous! "Well I heard you were working on a similar system and gave up." 
    
                "So."
    
                "Nothing."
    
                "Listen, I hate to break up this little seminar, but I've gotta go."  (To Be or Not to Be Part 1) Nathan had to shake his head all over again remembering the not-so nice impression Lucas had made on him. Luckily for the both of them, they had been able to move onto more civilized exchanges by the end of the mission. Dangling his fingers in the water, he wondered what SeaQuest would have been like without Lucas. Probably a whole lot duller. 
    
                "Captain?" asked Jonathan from the entrance. "The doctors have called a meeting in the wardroom."
    
                "Is he?" Nathan's heart jumped up into his throat. 
    
                "They did not say. It might not even be about him," said Jonathan clutching at straws.

            "Who else would it be about?" Jonathan did not answer. They walked silently to the wardroom taking a seat at the table. Nathan noticed that Ben and Tony seemed to be sitting closer together. Maybe the two men could take some comfort from each other. No one was really talking around him about how everyone else was holding up but he had heard enough whispers to know that these two men were having a rough time. Oliver glanced over at him exchanging worried glances. The group was almost silent as the waited only whispered exchanges taking place. A hush fell over the room as Dr. Westphalen and Dr. Perry entered the room, coming to face the group from the foot of the table. 

                        "We are Lucas's family. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully."

 "Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."

            "As of right now," stated Kristin.  "Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead." Brain dead. The words echoed through his head leaving him empty. He wanted to cry to stand up and shout but he could not. He merely sat there numb listening as she continued speaking. 

            "Everything that was Lucas is gone. Physically, as long as we keep Lucas on life support, his body will continue to live. We have to decide whether to leave him on life support or to take him off and let him die."

            "You want us to kill him!" shouted Tony standing up red-faced. A flash of pain flickered across Kristin's face. 

            "Sit down, Mr. Piccolo," ordered Hudson. "The doctor is merely presenting our options."

            "I'm with Tony," stated Ben softly. "We can't kill him."

            "It wouldn't be killing him," argued Jonathan. "If he's brain dead, then he's already gone."

            "We have to consider what Lucas wants," whispered Tim with a haunted look on his face. 

            "I do not think anything should be decided right now," asserted Dr. Perry.

            "I don't know if I'll ever be able to make a decision like this," choked Nathan. He could not stay here any longer. Stumbling through the blurry obstacles, he hurried out of the room. He paused outside the door leaning against the wall. His chest felt tight like someone was pressing all of the air out of him. He gasped sobbing, clutching his arms across his chest. 

            "Nathan?" ask Kristin placing a hand on his shoulder. His tears were not enough to obliterate the image of her beautiful, tear-streaked, worried face. "Are you all right?"

            He opened his mouth to reply but all that emerged was another choked sob. He tried to stop the tears but they just poured faster and faster. The pain was alive inside him, eating through his soul. His sobs began to take on a hysterical edge as he realized that he could not stop crying. Dimly, he heard himself babbling. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I can't. Why? I can't. I can't."

            "Shh," murmured Kristin hugging him close to her. He felt a gentle prick then a slight stinging as whatever she had given him raced into his bloodstream. He knew that he should be angry with Kristin but he merely clung to her. Slowly, his sobs slowed and finally stopped as the sedative brought the relief of numbness. Exhausted, he just sat leaning against the wall floating in his scattered thoughts. "Better?"

            "Yeah, sort of," he slurred. The ache in his chest was still there. He was still aware of his loss but he was protected from it. 

            "When's the last time you ate?" He shrugged. "All right," she sighed. "Get up. We need to get some food in your stomach before we put you to bed."

            " 'M not hun-gry," he replied with a yawn.

            "Well, you're going to," she ordered leading him down the corridor. He allowed himself to be led wondering idly what on earth had been in that shot. He followed her through the line holding his tray while he piled food on his plate. 

            He stopped listening as she chattered on about inane topics. He took a tentative bite of the mushy meal in front of him. Bland. He did not know if he could not taste or if the food was really that flavorless. He began swirling his spoon in his food watching as the colors mixed together in fascinating patters. All of  a sudden, a hand darted into his view snatching the spoon from his hand. 

            "Open your mouth," she ordered exasperated. She scooped up some mush and deposited it in his obediently opened mouth. She waited while he chewed then repeated the process. 

            "You still look wonderful," said out of the blue as she continued to spoon-feed him.

            "Thank you," she replied stunned. "You really are having a strong response to that medicine, aren't you?"

            "Yep. Higher 'n a kite," he grinned lightly, yawning again.

            "We'd better get you to bed," she said softly. "You're not going to last much longer."

            "Let me help you," said Jonathan from behind her. He moved over and gently helped Nathan from his chair. Jonathan kept him steady while they led him down the corridor to his room. Between exhaustion and the sedative, he was asleep before they got him fully on the bed. He slept for several hours before being woken by the need to be with Lucas. Conscious of his ever shortening amount of time, he made his way to MedBay ignoring Kristin's attempts to send him back to bed. 

            "I can't do this, Lucas," he told the still figure. "I can't let you die. I can't." Tears streamed down his cheeks, as he buried his face into Lucas's chest clutching him closer. "I can't," he whispered again, growing drowsy from the sedative that was still in his system. He closed his eyes briefly. Then again. Then he was asleep, cradling his head next to Lucas.

            "Captain. Captain," came a familiar voice teasing him awake. Gentle hands brushed at his hair. "Come on, Captain. Wake up."

            "Lucas," he said groggily, sitting up.

            "Hey, Captain," the teen said smiling up at him from the hospital bed.

            "You're awake!" cried Nathan overjoyed. 

            "Sort of," replied Lucas with a sad smile.

            "I love you," blurted Nathan.

            "I know. I love you, too."

            "You're OK now. You're OK."

            "I can't stay."

            "What do you mean you can't stay?" demanded Nathan, frightened.

            "I can't take back my decision. It doesn't work that way, Father."

            "But you're better!" Lucas shook his head sadly.

            "You're going to have to let me go."

            "I can't!"

            "You have to. I can't stay here."

            "Please! Please don't go!" Nathan hugged him close feeling the tears begin to fall again. 

            "It's my time," he said softly. "Maybe if I had made a different choice it wouldn't be but I did and now I have to go. Please, Dad, let me go."

            "I can't," he said sobbing.

            "You can. You must."

            "Why?"

            "Because it will happen anyway. If you do not let me go, then this will linger and take months or years. Let me die now so it's final. So I can die on SeaQuest. So you can say goodbye. Please, promise me."

            "I promise. I don't want to but I promise. I promise to let you go," he clung to Lucas sobbing. 

            "I love you," said Lucas hugging him tightly. "I love you," he whispered growing fainter. "I love you. Goodbye." 

            "Goodbye," whispered Nathan as he woke up and found Lucas still lying motionless in the hospital bed. "Kristin," he called loud enough for her to hear him.

            "Yes, Nathan?"

            "Could you gather everyone in the wardroom?" She nodded and hurried out of the room.

            "I promise," whispered Nathan bending down to kiss his son's forehead. "I promise."  He watched the mechanical rise and fall of Lucas's chest for a moment before slowly making his way to the wardroom. He waited silently as the last members of the group assembled.

            "Gentlemen," began Kristin shushing the group. "Captain Bridger has something he'd like to say."

            "We have no choice," started Nathan staring at the room through desolate eyes. "We have to let Lucas go. It is painfully clear that we can not keep him here. He's slipping away from us as we speak. We have it in our power to grant his last wish. To allow him to die here on SeaQuest surrounded by his friends and family." He paused, wiping at the tears he could not control. "We have to let him go."  

            No one could argue with him. Personal feelings aside, they knew how much it hurt Bridger to have to stand up there and beg for them to let his son die. There could be no argument against that kind of emotion. There was not a dry eye in the room because it had been decided. They had to let him go. 


	12. Tim O'Neill

Tim O'Neill was bored sitting at his station on the uneventful bridge when Captain Hudson suddenly growled," Where's Wolenczak?" Confused, Tim looked around noticing for the first time that Lucas had not reported for his shift yet.

"Perhaps he is running a little late, sir," began Commander Ford seeking to pacify the Captain.

"Raise his PAL," ordered Hudson. O'Neill swallowed nervously pushing the codes to connect to Lucas's PAL.

"Ensign Wolenczak," he answered roughly. 

"Ensign, I suggest you get yourself to the bridge immediately and you had better have a good excuse for being late." 

"I can't, sir," replied Lucas. 

"What do you mean you can't?!" barked Hudson infuriated. Tim glanced over at Tony worriedly. Lucas did not need to be in any more trouble with the captain. 

"I'm sorry, sir," whispered Lucas half sobbing. "I'm sorry, everyone. I'm so sorry." Tim felt a chill of ice crawl down his spine. There was something very wrong here. Before he could think on it further, the single, loud, crack of a gunshot silenced the bridge. He sat stunned; his mind racing. A thousand horrified thoughts darted through his mind. Deep inside, a calm voice repeated the twenty-third psalm.

"O'Neill! Where is Wolenczak?" shouted Hudson.

"I'm tracing his PAL signal now," replied Tim after a moment's hesitation to gather himself together. His fingers flew across console running the trace. The wait for the results to appear took an eternity. The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want… "Storage Room 85,sir."

"Get a med team there now. Piccolo, come with me. Commander, you have the bridge." Tim could only watch as Hudson raced out the door. Tony stood frozen for a moment before getting up to follow Hudson. Tim watched Commander Ford for any orders but he just took a look around the room then took a seat in the Captain's chair. As he began thinking about what Lucas had just done he began to shake. That gunshot could not have been an accident. Lucas was trying to commit suicide. Suicide is a sin! Lucas was risking his soul! He bit his lip to keep from crying out loud from the sheer pain of that thought. 'Stop,' he told himself. 'Think about this later.' A few minutes later, the reappearance of Tony on the bridge succeeded in banishing the thoughts for the time being. 

"Lu-Lucas is s-still alive but we're…we're to go to the wardroom. Wait for the C-captain. Have the s-secondary crew up here," stuttered Tony through his tears. Before Tim knew what he was doing he had moved from his station to stand by Tony's side. He hesitantly put his hand on Tony's shoulder and Tony threw his arms around the other man sobbing. "Why'd he do it? Why'd he want to leave us?"

"I don't know, Tony. I just don't know," answered Tim through tears of his own. They stood together for a moment drawing comfort from each other. Finally Tony let go and stepped back embarrassed. Tim did not say anything just wiped the tears from his glasses. He had drawn as much comfort from the contact as Tony had. They turned when they felt a hand touch them. Commander Ford was looking at them through wet eyes. Tim reached out to rest his arm on Jonathan's shoulder, allowing him into their circle of grief. Tony looked to Jonathan in confusion as he noticed all of the regular crew had left.

"I thought it best we give you a few minutes," said Jonathan answering Tony's unasked question. "Lonnie's seeing that everyone is informed. She'll gather them in the wardroom. Why don't we go down and wait with the Captain?"

Tony nodded sniffling. Hudson had not arrived when they got there but a nurse came out to tell them that Lucas was in surgery. They sat there silently trying not to think. The waiting was hard. The guilt was harder. 

"Do you think he'll be O.K.?" whispered Tim to the silent room.

"I don't know," answered Tony hesitantly. "He-he shot himself in the head."

Tim fell silent. He traced back in his mind all of the conversations he had had with Lucas or about Lucas in the past few weeks. There had been a lot of anger at Hudson and grief over his father's death. They had talked a lot about what would happen if Lucas were sent away from the boat. Tim had tried to reassure the teenager that they would still be there for him but Lucas was terrified of being exiled from his home. Try as he might, Tim could not pick out any one thing that would have alerted him to the fact that Lucas was growing so desperate. Why would Lucas do something like this? What could drive a person to risk damnation? A noise in the doorway alerted him to Hudson's arrival. Tim glared at him daring him to send them away. He stood there watching them for a moment. Seeing that he was not going to say anything, Tim lost himself in his thoughts again. Seeking solace, he began repeating Bible verses to himself. 

"Commander, would you go check on the bridge crew?" ordered Hudson. Ford gave him a quizzical look but nodded and left the room. 

"Lieutenant, Warrant Officer, would the two of you go arrange for some food and coffee to be delivered to the ward room? I will be up there shortly." Tim looked over at Tony asking if he wanted to leave or should he protest. Tim was not in any hurry to leave but he would go if Tony wanted to leave. When Tony nodded, they stood up and left. As soon as they were out of MedBay, Tony leaned against the wall trembling. 

"Tony, are you O.K.?" asked Tim anxiously. 

"No, I'm not O.K. My best friend tried to kill himself. How the hell am I supposed to be O.K.?" he answered angrily blinking rapidly to try to stop the tears that were threatening to fall again. 

"Come on. Let's get to the wardroom," replied Tim gently leading Tony down the corridor. He cut on his PAL as they walked. "Ah, David, just the person I wanted. Could you send some coffee and something to eat up to the wardroom? Thanks."

"Tony! Tim!" greeted Dagwood happily as they entered the wardroom. "We are having a party for Lucas."

"No, Dagwood, this isn't a party," answered Tim as Tony began to cry again. 

"Tony is cry-ing. Why are you sad?" Tim looked at Tony helplessly hoping that he would answer. 

"I'm sad because Lucas is hurt, Dagwood," answered Tony through his tears. 

"Who hurt Lucas?!" demanded Dagwood looking at his friends who were both crying now. 

"Lucas hurt himself," replied Tony softly. 

"But why Lucas want to do that?" asked Dagwood confused. Tim could only shake his head. He could not explain something that he did not understand either. The two moved on stopping to speak to a few people. Lonnie stood towards the front of the room consoling one of the women who had been on the bridge earlier. She patted the woman on the shoulder then moved to walk away. Lonnie caught sight of them as they moved towards her and she burst into tears. 

"Tim, Tony, how is he?" she asked hugging them both. 

"Still no word," replied Tim a bit uncomfortably as he tried to untangle himself from her arms. Tim was not used to so much physical contact especially from such a beautiful woman. As soon as Jonathan entered the room, he hurried to Lonnie's side and took her into his arms. She began sobbing again and Jonathan caressed her hair soothing her. Jonathan looked at them over her head. 

"The Captain will be here in a minute. He has something from Lucas to read then Dr. Perry will be here," he told them. Just then the Captain entered the wardroom. Tim watched Hudson walk slowly across the room taking in the scene. He glanced around himself noting just how crowded it was. He tried to read Hudson's expression but there was just uncaring blankness. Hudson moved to the front of the room and began to speak.

"Ensign Wolenczak is still alive. Dr. Perry will be up later to give us an update on his condition. Lucas left a suicide note on his computer that I discovered when I inspected his quarters earlier. I have not read it because I felt it would be better to wait until now when it could be read with everyone present." In the silence that greeted his statement he inserted the disk into the computer in front of him and pulled up the file. Putting on his glasses, he began to read aloud,

I'm sorry. I don't mean to hurt everyone but there isn't any other way. I can't do this anymore. There's nothing left of me. It's all gone. I've been running on empty for a long time and there's just nothing left. I don't know who I am anymore. I've felt like I was drowning ever since the Captain left. Everything had changed and I couldn't change fast enough to catch up. Everyday was a new onslaught of changes. More people dying or leaving. New enemies that I didn't understand. Old friends that had become strangers. 

I thought that becoming an ensign would help. At least I would still be on seaQuest with my friends. I was wrong though. I began to be alienated from everyone and I know it's my fault. I was such a jerk sometimes especially to Tony. I tried to act like a good officer but I don't know how. Everything I did was a failure. Trying to impress Captain Hudson only made things worse. I tried to act like an adult but I screwed that up too. I can't believe any of you stuck around as long as you did. 

I can't leave seaQuest. She's the only home I've ever known. He won't keep me here much longer though. I've screwed up way too many times. I can't believe he kept me here after I pulled a gun on him and I know the next mistake will be my last. I'll be gone for sure then. I can't let that happen but I know it is just a matter of time. There's a way I can be here forever though. I'll never have to leave. I'll never cry myself to sleep again or lie in bed wishing I had tears left so that maybe I could ease the ache in my chest. 

I don't have many regrets. Just two. I'm sorry that I'm going to hurt all of you. You deserve better. You've always deserved better than me. I'm sorry I wasn't better. I wish that my death could have been more like Brody's death. I've been worthless and in the way all of my life. It would have been nice for my death to have meant something. I can't wait on the slight chance that I might get killed before I'm kicked off. No, it has to be now. 

I just wanted to explain why. I didn't want you to sit there wondering and maybe blaming yourselves. It's no one's fault but mine. Please believe me when I say it's better this way. I wrote everyone letters saying goodbye. You should be receiving them in a few minutes. I'm sorry for all of this. Tell the Captain that I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disobey orders but I had to try and save my father. He loved me. I had to try. I'm sorry.

Please forgive me. Goodbye.

'Oh, Lucas,' thought Tim sadly. I should have realized how upset he was. I knew he was terrified of leaving SeaQuest. I just did not think he was this upset. I should have known. 'Lucas, how could you do this?' 

"Lucas is very lucky to still be alive right now," said Dr. Perry after Hudson finished speaking. Tim immediately gave her his undivided attention. "By all rights he should be dead but either the gun misfired somehow or the bullet was faulty. The bullet entered the right temporal lobe of his brain and became lodged there just before the corpus callosum. The damage to the area was extensive but localized. Right now our greatest concern is swelling and infection. The prognosis is uncertain. Our best estimates at this time are that he has a 50% chance of surviving." Tim felt light-headed. Most of the medical jargon was over his head but he understood fifty/fifty odds. He felt panic welling up inside him but a glance over at Tony told him that he could not lose control. He needed to keep himself calm or he would not be any help to his friends

"That may change in the next few hours. If he lives there is a very good chance that he will be a vegetable. The chances of him waking up and walking away from this with no side effects are slim. If he wakes up we could be looking at severe mental retardation, extreme personality changes, paralysis or anything in between. I'm not telling you to write him off as dead. I'm just telling you not to expect miracles. If he's going to have any chance of surviving though, he's going to need every single one of you fighting on his side. I'm going to allow people in to see him one at a time starting as soon as we are finished here. Force him to fight. Don't let him let go and don't give up hope." Hope. Such a simple word but it contains so much power. "Please, Lord, give me reason to have hope. Do not take Lucas away," prayed Tim. 

"Everyone should sign up for times to visit Lucas," started Hudson standing up to speak again. " Unless you would like to continue working, you may all have the next two days off. We have a lot to come to terms with and I want everyone to remember that you are not alone in this. Lucas mentioned good-byes in his note so I would assume that many if not all of you will find e-mails from him when you next check your mail. Be prepared. I will leave the wardroom open for anyone who wants to still gather here. Now if you'll excuse me I will be in my cabin." Tim nodded grudgingly unable to fault how Hudson was handling the situation. While Tim could not help feeling that he was at least partially to blame for Lucas's mental state, he could not deny that Hudson was as affected by the situation as the rest of the crew.

Tim turned his attention to his friends. Lonnie was kneeling beside Tony. Jonathan had stepped away. He looked to be heading in the direction of the coffee pot so maybe he was bringing a cup for Tony. Poor Tony. He was sobbing on the floor. His tears had slowed by the time Jonathan bent over and handed him the cup of coffee. Tim leaned over to them, quietly murmuring, "I'm going to see Lucas." They nodded and he eased his way out of the room. 

            "Where's Lucas's room?" asked Tim as he entered MedBay.

            "Right this way," replied one of the nurses leading the way. He gasped as he saw Lucas lying in the hospital bed. He looked so helpless lying there wrapped in bandages and surrounded by tubes and monitors. He felt frozen. 

 "Tim," said Dr. Petty smiling reassuringly at him. "Come, sit beside him and hold his hand. Don't be afraid. Just sit there and talk to him."

"Will he hear me?" he asked timidly. He moved cautiously into the room.

"I believe he will. I'll leave you alone now." Patting him on the shoulder, she left the room. He sat carefully next to the bed taking hold of Lucas's hand like he had been instructed.

"I don't know what to say," admitted Tim quietly. "I don't know how to react. I've never known someone that tried to kill themselves before. I guess I should be angry or sad. Right now I'm just really confused. I wish you had come to us instead. I do not see how this could possibly have been the only answer. I just…I just. I don't know. I need time to think all of this through."

Sighing, Tim left MedBay and made his way back into the wardroom. The crowd had diminished as the grieving crewmembers sought solace in less populated areas but there were still quite a few people gathered around the room. A quick inventory of the people revealed representatives from almost every department on the boat. Tim rejoined his friends in their isolated corner. He nudged Jonathan silently not wanting to disturb Tony who was still staring into his cup of coffee. He waited beside Lonnie while Jonathan was gone. By the time Tony looked up from his coffee, Jonathan had returned and Lonnie had left. He did not speak. Not wanting to press the issue, Tim and Jonathan sat watching him until Lonnie returned completing the group. 

"Don't you want to go down and see Lucas now?" asked Tim gently. 

"No!" 

"Well, we are all going to get out of here," Jonathan stated firmly. "You are all coming with me to my quarters." Tim shrugged silently, standing up to follow him. It had been a while since he had been in Jonathan's quarters but he was not surprised to find that little had changed. He took a seat at the small wooden table waiting for Tony to stop gaping. 

"Drink up," ordered the Commander pouring some liquid into a shot glass. Tim eyed the glass uncertainly. He was not a big drinker especially of harder liquors. Tony and Jonathan both swallowed theirs with ease but Lonnie gasped and made a face at her empty glass. Steeling himself mentally, he tossed back his shot. It was not as bad as he expected but it still made him gasp. Jonathan hid the bottle away then turned back to face them. "We can't change what happened and blaming ourselves won't help. He wouldn't want it like that anyway. Let's spend this time together celebrating his life so we can reach back to this moment of peace in the trying days ahead of us."

"But Jon…" began Lonnie.

"No buts. Now who has a funny story about Lucas? No one? Then I'll start," began Jonathan. Tim looked at him quizzically. He was not completely certain he knew what Jonathan was trying to do. While telling stories about loved ones is a common practice at funerals, Lucas was not dead yet. The wound was too fresh especially for certain members of this group. "Did I ever tell you about the first time Captain Bridger met Lucas? He was so cocky back then. Arrogant to the core. I don't think he had ever had to deal with people before. So there Bridger was being as stubborn as can be and angry that Noyce had brought Darwin to seaQuest without his permission when all of a sudden Darwin talks. You should have seen the look on his face. Then Lucas starts in talking about cutting edge technology and all Bridger can do is stare at him. We have one of the greatest Captains in the history of the navy and there's this kid standing there talking to him as though he were five years old. It was priceless and pure Lucas right down to him using the hand gestures that Bridger had spent months teaching Darwin. I didn't think either of them would last very long."

"Remember when Katie and Lucas designed that Stinger?" asked Tim with a smile at the memory. Those two nearly drove the entire boat insane with their project.

"God, how could I forget," answered Jonathan. 

"They spent half their time arguing over what to name the thing. Lucas wanted to name it Stinger but Katie demanded Gazelle," explained Tim for the benefit of the other two. "There was a competition among several designers and the prototype was destroyed the night before the test race. They stayed up all night rebuilding it from scratch. We pitched in when they let us but they were very possessive of that thing. It's too bad they were beat by that other guy. Man, those were good times."

"Tell me about it. Katie and Ben always fighting like an old married couple. Lucas and Ben constantly getting in trouble. The Captain and Dr. Westphalen falling in love and trying to hide it." Jonathan smiled lost in the past. 

"I remember when you first joined seaQuest, Tony. Did you know there was a pool going as to how long it would take for you and Lucas to drive each other crazy?" asked Tim. Tony shook his head. 

"Lucas and I used to get in trouble all the time. I got a lot of comparisons with that Krieg guy but I never understood it until I met him. Has he been informed?"

"Not yet. The Captain and I will do all of that tomorrow," answered Jonathan. Tim sighed softly. He did not envy him at all. He wondered how Ben was going to take the news. He had seemed a little on edge the last time they had met and Tim doubted this news would help any. 

"Do you remember that time you, me and Migs smuggled Lucas into that bar?" Tony asked Tim, laughing. "I thought Bridger was going to kill us when he found out."

"I remember that. Lucas came home and puked on Nathan's shoes," laughed Jonathan. 

"How did you know about that?" asked Tim. 

"Come on. This is the seaQuest. Everyone knew about it," answered Lonnie.

"Besides, who do you think it was that convinced him not to kill you?" grinned Jonathan at their stunned looks.

"I would have thought you would have stayed away from the bars after that," added Lonnie shaking her head. "Although if you had we never would have been treated to the story of you and Lucas hitting on Brody's mother."

"What about the time Hudson ordered Lucas to run a complete diagnostic on the sensor array and he made me do it? I made such a mess of that thing. I thought Hudson was going to kill me."

"I thought he was going to kill Lucas. It taught him a lesson though. Made him more responsible with his new found authority," replied Tim. 'And more terrified of messing up,' added Tim silently after a moment of reflection. 

"Remember when Lucas caught us on the OmniPacific? You told him you were escorting the Nigerian princess or something," laughed Lonnie.

"Is that what I said? I can't even remember," replied Jonathan joining her in the laughter. Although Tim had not been there, he had heard the story and was glad that the almost-tragedy had made his friends become more open with their relationship.

"How about when we got caught pulled back to 1962?"

"That was amazing."

"Yeah, that girl was hot. Why does Lucas ALWAYS get the chick?" complained Tony.

"Not always," replied Jonathan with a glance at Lonnie. She smiled back at him.

"We've been through a lot," said Lonnie. "Things haven't always turned out the way I would have expected."

"No one could have foreseen all of this." They were quiet for a while thinking about the past. So many bad things had happened to so many good people but in between all of that were some of the best times of his life. Tim would rather face a lifetime of heartache than a lifetime without having known his crewmates.

"You know, Tony, I don't know which of you were the least likeliest to become an officer. I sure never thought I'd see the day," said Tim thoughtfully. 

"Lucas is a good one though whatever he said in that note. You'll be a good one too. Ensign Piccolo. I like the sound of that."

"I know what you mean but he did what he had to do to stay on board. I saw what it did for him and it made me want to be respectable too." Tony fell silent for a moment then stood from the table. "Would you guys mind if I went to my room for a while? There's something I have to do."

"Sure, Tony, just remember that we are here if you need anything," replied Tim gently getting up to walk him to the door.

"Thanks. Do-do you think you could come down to MedBay with me afterwards?" Tony asked hesitantly.

"Of course. Just let me know when." Tim squeezed his shoulder reassuringly watching as he left the room.

"Do you two mind if I got to my quarters for a while? I told Tony I would go with him to MedBay later and I need some time to myself first," he asked as he rejoined Jonathan and Lonnie.

"Go ahead, Tim. If you need either of us, don't hesitate to call," answered Lonnie. 

"Thanks," he said. "I'm here for either of you as well."

"I think we'll be fine," answered Jonathan. He glanced over at Lonnie. "We have each other."

Tim smiled at the two of them. "Bye then."  He sighed as he went across the hall and entered his big, empty room. He had not realized how lonely it was to live without a roommate. Reaching into his desk, he pulled out a small photo album. He traced his hand over the protect sheets smiling sadly at the photographs. Here was one with Miguel and him before they had been assigned to SeaQuest. It seems like such a long time ago. He was so much younger then.

The photo album was filled with pictures of Miguel. Some of them had actually belonged to him. Tim had kept them when he went through Miguel's things to send them back to his family. It hurt not knowing what had happened to him. For a while, he had kept up hope that Miguel had surfaced somewhere on Earth and he just had to give him enough time to get into contact with someone. He never came back. Miguel was out there somewhere alone. They left him behind when they all came back. He wished that he could go on believing that his best friend was alive somewhere but he knew in his heart that he was dead. Then Brody died. Then Fredericks and now Lucas.

He flipped forward to a couple of group photos. One was taken on the beach at the end of the first tour. He grinned at a picture of Lucas buried up to his neck in the sand.  They had been so happy that day. They had had so many fun times. It wasn't until he saw the drops of water on the page that he realized he was crying again. He did not know how to cope with something like this. Before he had Miguel and then Lucas and him had been really close. He could not even turn to the Bible. This was one of those times in his life when he had to decided what he believed regardless of what his faith told him to believe. 

He could not condemn Lucas. He did not believe that he made the right decision but he did not believe that it was beyond forgiveness. He was angry with Lucas for putting him in this position. He was angry with Lucas for being so uncaring of their reactions. He was also sad that he was losing such a wonderful friend. No one deserved to be as unhappy as Lucas had been. He wondered what it must be like when living seems so horrible that death looks like a better alternative. He could not imagine. He had been through some rough times in his life but suicide had never been an option. He wished that it hadn't been an option for Lucas. He did not want to lose him. He could not imagine SeaQuest without him. Tim jumped as the beep of his PAL interrupted his contemplation. 

"Tim, I'm ready. Could you meet me outside of my room?" asked Tony. 

"Of course," replied Tim. "I'll be right there." He brushed at his tears then left the room. 

"OK Thanks"

Moments later he was knocking on the hatch to Tony's quarters. He knew the moment Tony opened the door that he had been crying again. Tim wished there was something he could do or say to Tony to make things better. Tony slipped out his door locking it behind him. Without a word, the two of them began the slow walk to MedBay. Several times Tim thought Tony was going to stop and turn around but something kept him from doing so. When they finally made it into MedBay, Tony became very agitated and refused to go into Lucas's room unless Tim agreed to go with him. They made their way through the silent area into the private room where Lucas was kept. Tim paused uncertainly as he noticed that Lucas already had a visitor.

"Gentlemen," greeted Hudson politely getting up and stretching. "I'll leave you two alone."

"Actually, sir, I'll join you," answered Tim following him out of the room. Standing awkwardly beside the man who made his life miserable, Tim shuffled his feet and stared at the floor. He was surprised when Hudson cleared his throat uncertainly.

"Lieutenant," started Hudson trying to find the right words. "I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and I've come to realize that I owe you an apology."

"I don't understand, sir." Tim did not know how to react. This was the last thing he expected to hear from the Captain.

"I'm not perfect, O'Neill. I thought that because you sit behind your console and because you prefer words to weapons that you were weak." Hudson lifted his head to meet Tim's eyes. "I was wrong. You have just as much courage as anyone on this boat. You just show it differently."

"Thank you, sir," stammered Tim. "That means a lot to hear you say that."

"I haven't been treating you fairly. I have been blaming you for things that are not your fault and not making allowances when I should have. I'm sorry. It will not continue."

"I'm sorry too, sir, for letting my frustration with the situation color my opinion of you. I think I have misjudged you." 

"Then we're even," answered Captain Hudson holding out a hand. 

"Even," repeated Tim completing the handshake. The Captain excused himself leaving Tim alone to wait for Tony to finish. The door to Lucas's room was partially open. It was not enough for Tim to hear what Tony was saying but it was enough that he could hear Tony's voice. He was out of his seat the instant Tony's voice began to rise. 

"Why did you do this?" shouted Tony. "You had no right to do this to us! How could you?! I hate you! Do you hear me?! I hate you Lucas Wolenczak! How could you leave us like this?" Tim rushed into the room prepared to restrain Tony if necessary. Just as he reached the younger man, Tony broke down sobbing. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I love you. We're brothers. I'm sorry. Please don't die."

"Sh, it's all right," soothed Tim putting his arms around Tony as he cried. Handing Tim some pills, the nurse nodded towards the door. Getting the hint, he began to steer Tony out of MedBay. "Come on, Tony. Let's go lie down.

"Here, sit down," said Tim pushing Tony down onto his bunk as soon as he had gotten him back to his quarters. He handed Tony a glass of water and the pills. "Take these."

"Where am I?" asked Tony just noticing his surroundings. 

"You're in my room. Now, let's take your shoes off and get you to bed." Tony was too dazed to protest so he was soon bundled under the covers. All of a sudden his eyes flew open and he tried to sit up with a look of horror on his face. Tim easily pushed him back down onto the mattress.

"No, I have to get up. I have to tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean those things. Please, let me tell him I'm sorry. I didn't mean it," babble Tony. 

"He knows you didn't mean the things you said and you can tell him again tomorrow. He wants you to go to sleep right now. OK?" Tim soothed the younger man waiting for the medicine to take full effect. He kept up the running monologue until Tony finally began to calm down some.

"OK " he mumbled with a yawn. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Tony," he replied softly to the now sleeping man. He sat watching him for a moment thinking about how young Tony looked when he was asleep. He really was not that much older than Lucas himself. Sighing, Tim began to ready himself for bed. 

After almost an hour of staring up at his ceiling, he gave up on sleep. He watched Tony through the darkness for a moment before deciding that he was going to wake up any time soon.  Slowly, quietly he stood up and put on some pants and another shirt. He did not pass any people as he made his way to MedBay. He heard a feminine voice as he neared Lucas's room. Easing his way into the doorway he saw the last person he would ever have expected. Heiko Kimura was sitting beside Lucas gently stroking his hair. Her back was to him but she was obviously crying. He was stunned as he listened to her. Here was the woman he had fallen in love with. Here was the woman he had thought was a lie. His heart went out to her. He did not know when her and Lucas had grown so close but he had obviously become an anchor for her. For the first time, Tim looked beyond his hurt and realized how difficult if must be for her here. He knew that most of the crew shunned her for what she did to him and because of Freddy's death. She must have been so lonely. She must have felt so lost. Mentally, he kicked himself for not realizing this earlier.

"-eing sent off of SeaQuest not you. I should have been the one to give up, not you. You are so strong. You do not give up. You are Lucas. You can do anything. Except maybe live," said Kimura sadly, looking at Lucas. "I did not know I meant so much to you. I never would have guessed. I hope you know that you meant the world to me. I love you. You are my sanity, my hope. I do not know what I am going to do without you."

"You'll carry on," said Tim unable to keep quiet any longer.  She spun around to face him. Her lips twisted into a snarl and she looked ready to bite his head off but she stopped.

"Hey," she said uncertainly instead.

"Hey," he replied equally uncertain. He moved closer to stare down at Lucas. Without Lucas, Heiko truly would be friendless. Vowing not to let this happen, he looked up to meet her eyes. "Would you like to go get a cup of coffee with me?" he asked.

"Yes," she said. "I would like that. Can I have a second?" He nodded and moved back to wait in the doorway. She bent down and kissed Lucas gently on the forehead. She whispered something that he could not hear then squared her shoulders and joined him. He smiled down at her and they left the room. 

            "So how have you been?" asked Tim as they took their coffee and sat down in a corner of the lounge.

            "A bit lost," she admitted with a smile. 

            "I'm sorry."

            "For what?" she asked confused.

            "I should have been helping you get adjusted."

            "It's not your fault. I understood why you could not forgive me. I made a lot of mistakes." They fell silent neither knowing quite what to say. "I never meant to hurt you," she said finally.

            "I realize that now. I just…. I felt betrayed. You used me. I still don't see how you thought that wouldn't hurt me."

            "I did not see how what I was doing was wrong. I was thinking like a Chaodai. Even as I was escaping their grasp, I was underestimating their influence on how I thought. I did care about you. My feelings were not a lie. It was just that your feelings and mine did not matter to me as a soldier. I underestimated the Chaodai. It was a very costly mistake."

            "We have wasted so much time," said Tim with a sigh. "We could have used each other's friendship."

            "I do not think it would have worked between us. You have to realize what you have lost before you can appreciate something."

            "We can appreciate it now." He smiled at her. She nodded and smiled back. "So how did you and Lucas get so close?" he asked sipping his coffee.

            "Lucas is very good at making friends with people who do not want any friends," she replied with a smile. "We had nightmares. Sitting by the water helped ease the bad feelings afterwards." She shrugged. "Eventually after seeing each other there often enough we started talking and found out we have a lot in common."

            "Lucas is very special."

            "Yes, he is." She looked up to meet Tim's gaze. "So are you." He blushed and ducked his head. They talked into the wee hours of the morning. At times they were hesitant and uncertain feeling out each other's boundaries. Other times they talked like long lost friends that had known each other their whole lives. They were both laughing when Tim glanced down at his watch and realized the time.

            "Wow, it's late. I really have to be going. Tony's in my room and I don't really want him waking up alone."

            "He's not taking it very well is he?"

            "Not at all. I'm worried about him."

            "He'll be all right. He just needs time. This is probably the first time he's lost someone this close to him."

            "He was really upset when Brody died," said Tim somberly remembering. "And this is Lucas."

            "See. He'll be fine." She moved forward hesitantly. She embraced him then stepped back before he could return the hug. 

            "Thanks," he said with a slight smile for her. "I'll talk to you later." When he entered his room, Tony was just beginning to stir. 

            "Hey," mumbled Tony sitting up. He blinked then looked at Tim confused.

            "Good morning. You slept in my room last night."

            "Why did I do that?"

            "You were a little upset last night. The nurse gave you some kind of sedative to help you sleep."

            "Oh." He stared down at the blankets for a while still wearing a befuddled expression. "Oh," he said again as understanding dawned. "How is he?" he asked quietly, fighting tears again.

            "I haven't heard anything new. He's still alive."

            "I wish it had been a nightmare," admitted Tony softly.

            "It is a nightmare. We just can't wake up from it." Tony pushed back the covers and stood up. Tim glanced around realizing that he did not have a change of clothes. "Would you like me to run to your room and pick up an outfit or do you want to go back to your room?"

            "Could you go?" 

            "Of course. I'll be right back." Tim slipped out the door, leaving Tony standing there.  He entered Tony's room cautiously. While he knew from Tony's reaction yesterday that there was nothing obvious about the room, it was still the first time he had been in there since Lucas…. He stopped the train of thought. The room still belonged to Lucas. It echoed with his essence. It was filled with all of his personal touches. Tim hoped that they would not have to pack up all of his belongings any time soon. Grabbing an outfit from Tony's drawers, he hurried back to his room.

            "Are you hungry?" asked Tony as he pulled on his clothes.

            "Not particularly. Why? Do you want to get breakfast?"

            "Yeah."

            "I'll keep you company," offered Tim. "I should probably eat something." They walked down to the Mess Hall together. The act of sitting down to breakfast was such an ordinary act that it seemed bizarre under the circumstances. The only indication that anything was out of the ordinary was the silence between the two. Their normal banter took too much effort for them to maintain at the moment.

            "So what are you going to do today?" asked Tony quietly, scooping up some eggs.

            "I don't know. I didn't sleep last night so I might try and take a nap when we're finished." He glanced back down at his plate. "What about you?"

            "I need to find Darwin and Dagwood."

            "Why?"

            "Lucas, ah, left a recording for me to show them." Tony shifted uncomfortably and Tim dropped the subject. They finished their meal in silence then parted ways. While Tony went to try and locate Dagwood, Tim returned to his room. He tried to ignore the loneliness of being alone in the room as he stretched out on his bed. He let his mind wander, refusing to focus on any one thought. Although he felt much more relaxed, he was still unable to sleep. He stared unblinkingly at his ceiling. He did not remember closing them but he opened his eyes some time later to the sound of his PAL.

            "Tim, this is Commander Ford," said Jonathan as Tim answered the PAL.

            "Do you have news?" asked Tim anxiously.

            "Lucas stopped breathing on his own during the night. It's not looking good."

            "That's not good news but it could be worse," sighed Tim.

            "True. We spent the morning informing the others. Bridger, Dr. Westphalen, and Ben are on their way now."

            "What about his mother?" Tim watched the anger flicker in Jonathan's eyes and knew the answer.

            "She's not coming," he said tersely. Tim shook his head sadly. He did not see how Lucas's parents had managed to raise such a wonderful person.

            "Such a shame." Jonathan nodded in agreement.

            "We would like you to be part of the greeting parties," continued Jonathan.

            "Of course. Anything I can do to help."

            "Good. We are meeting in Captain Hudson's office right now to prepare before Dr. Westphalen arrives."

            "I'll be right there," said Tim closing the connection. Checking to make sure his clothes were not wrinkled, he left his room. "Captain, Commander," he said in greeting as he entered the meeting. 

            "Lieutenant," said Hudson standing. "Please have a seat."

            "We just have a few things to go over," said Jonathan. 

            "Commander Ford did not have the best relationship with Mr. Krieg or Dr. Westphalen. We wanted there to be a friendly face there to greet them," said Hudson. Tim nodded in agreement. He knew that Jonathan did not appear on either of their favorite people lists. 

            "So what do I need to know?"

            "There really isn't very much," said Captain Hudson beginning the explanation. They spent the rest of the meeting going over restrictions for each person. They also discussed where to house each person. Tim managed to convince Hudson to add Dr. Westphalen to Lucas's list of doctors. He knew that she would not be able to stand by while someone else was responsible for Lucas's well being. Before he knew it, they were leaving the Captain's office and heading down to meet Dr. Westphalen who was arriving first.

"Kristin," greeted Tim moving to embrace her as she stepped off of the shuttle. 

"Hey, Tim," she asked softly returning the hug. Jonathan stepped up next to embrace her. She seemed surprised and studied their faces for a moment. "How is he?" she asked finally.

"There have not been any changes in the past few hours."

"Can I see him?"

"We've cleared it so that you have access to all of his records. If you want to, you can become his doctor for the duration of your stay."

"Thank you," she said softly wiping away a few escaping tears. 

"I'll take you to Medbay," offered Tim. 

"I know the way," she replied with a slight smile.

"I don't think the Captain really wants you wandering around the boat," stated Tim with a shrug. "Besides, I figured you could use the company."

"Thanks. How are you holding up?" He paused for a moment considering her question. 

"I think the only thing keeping me together is the fact that I have people depending on me," he answered finally. He had spent so much time worrying over Tony and Kim and the others that he had not really had a chance to sit down and think about the situation. He was worried that when he did he would fall apart. 

"If you need to talk about it."

"Thanks but right now I'm just worried. Lucas's roommate is taking all of this really hard. I'm worried about him and about Lucas." She patted his shoulder. He glanced down at the fiery woman realizing that he had missed her friendship.  As they entered Medbay Dr. Perry came forward to meet them. "Dr. Westphalen, this is Dr. Perry. She's been in charge of Lucas's care. Dr. Perry, this is Dr. Westphalen. She'll be joining your staff for the time being."

Kristin shook hands with the woman then turned to Tim. "Thank you for walking with me."

"You're welcome, Doctor," he replied with a sad smile before leaving the room. He glanced at his watch noting that he had about half an hour before he had to report to greet Ben. He angled his course to take him by the moonpool. Lucas had left a couple of disks with Tony for Darwin and Dagwood. With luck, he would be able to catch Tony as he finished with Darwin.

"Hey," he called to Tony's rapidly retreating figure as he came into view of the moonpool. 

"Sorry," called Tony waiting for him to catch up. As he neared, Tim noticed that Tony had been crying again. "Hi," mumbled Tony. 

"Where are you heading?" asked Tim with a brief squeeze on Tony's shoulder. 

"I don't know," he admitted. "I am just so tired of crying. That's all I've done for the past two days. I need somewhere that doesn't remind me of Lucas."

"Do you need to use my room for a while?" offered Tim.

"I don't want to take over your room," protested Tony shaking his head.

"Please. It will give you somewhere to recuperate."  Tim could see that Tony was wavering. "Look, I'll ask Hudson to move you to a guest room temporarily. You can just take my room in the interim."

"All right. Fine! I'll take your room." Tony raised his hands in mock surrender grinning at Tim. Tim grinned back slinging an arm about Tony's shoulders. Feeling lighter than they had all day, the two men walked companionably back to Tim's room. Glancing at his watch, he let Tony into his room.

"Don't worry about locking it behind you if you leave."

"You aren't coming in?"

"I can't. I have to be getting to Launch Bay to meet Ben."

"Ah. Tell him I said hello. And Tim?" he added as Tim began to leave.

"Yes?"

"Thanks." Tim smiled at him.

"You're welcome." Tim hurried through the corridor arriving breathless. He nodded to Captain Hudson and Jonathan who were already waiting.

"Glad you could join us, O'Neill," stated Hudson. Although his words were the same as he would have used before, Hudson's voice was gentler and the comment did not carry any sting. 

"Sorry, sir," replied Tim with a shrug. He only had a minute or two to wait before the launch was asking for permission to dock. They waited patiently as the hatch cycled through and Ben emerged. Tim was shocked by Ben's appearance. His eyes were red and vacant, rimmed with dark shadows. He looked as though he had not eaten in some time.

"Ben," greeted Tim warmly willing to ignore his appearance. He moved forward to embrace his friend but Ben stepped back. Again, he did not press the issue.

"Is he still alive?" he asked dully. 

"Yes," replied Tim. "He's stabilized for the moment. Would you like to go see him?"

"No!" he exclaimed startling everyone. "I mean, uh, I can't, um," he stammered. A confused expression flickered across his face and he fell silent waiting dumbly. Tim watched his friend worriedly. Things were not quite right with him. 

"Mr. Ford," interrupted Hudson. "I am sure that Mr. Krieg is tired from his journey. Perhaps you should show him to his room."

"Yes, sir," replied Jonathan nodding for Ben to follow him.

"And Commander, remember what I said." 

"What was that all about?" asked Tim staring as Hudson left the three men alone. 

"It does not matter," replied Jonathan hastily. He picked up Ben's bag and led the way to Ben's quarters. "I am sorry that I can not stay," said Jonathan setting the bag by the door. 

"It's not a problem," replied Ben flatly. 

"Tim will be here," continued Jonathan surprising Tim. "I will be on the bridge if you need anything. Oh, and before I forget to give you this," he said pulling a disk out of his pocket and setting it on the table. "It's a copy of the note he left and his letter to you." 

"OK."

"Well, I'll be going now," he said. Tim glanced at Ben one last time before following Jonathan out into the hall to get some answers.  

"What is going on?" asked Tim immediately. Jonathan sighed making sure that the door was closed securely.

"The Captain thinks that Ben might be close to a breakdown. I can't say that I disagree." Jonathan paused but Tim could say nothing to that statement. Having seen Ben, he knew that something was wrong. "We hope that if we keep him surrounded by people things will be easier for him."

"I see," said Tim with a frown. "Why wasn't I informed?"

"I was going to sit with Ben but we were never really friends. The Captain and I decided while we were waiting that it would be better if you stayed with him. I have to meet Captain Bridger anyway."

"OK," agreed Tim. 

"Thanks." Jonathan clapped a hand on his shoulder then hurried away. Tim shook his head then re-entered Ben's room. Ben was laying stretched out on his bed sound asleep. Even sleep could not ease the lines etched in his face. Sighing, Tim moved to the closet to get a blanket to cover Ben's sleeping form. He glanced at the floor of the closet frowning at the clothes he found carefully piled there. He moved the clothes placing them in the empty dresser. Grabbing a blanket, he gently covered his friend. Pulling up a chair, he watched Ben sleep. He was dozing lightly when a soft knock at the door woke up him.

"Hey," whispered Tony poking his head in the door. He glanced quickly towards Ben who had not moved. "We're going to dinner. Want to join us?"

"I should stay here," said Tim shaking his head.

"He's asleep," argued Tony. "Join us. You'll be back before he wakes up."

Tim wavered indecisively before finally agreeing to join them. He slipped out into the hall. Lonnie smiled at him as she gave him a quick hug. They walked quietly down the corridor meeting the others in the Mess Hall. Tim moved through the line quickly not paying much attention to what he was putting on his plate. He placed his tray on the table where Kristin, Jonathan, and the Captains were also converging. The meal was pleasant. The friendly atmosphere belied the somber reason for their gathering. 

"We should have done this before," said Tim quietly. "It would have been nice to have seen everyone."

"We should have done a lot of things differently," said Nathan in an equally quiet, regret-filled voice. 

"We can't change the past," asserted Oliver gruffly. 

"No, we can't," agreed Kristin sadly. They finished eating in silence. Soon Kristin was standing up to go put away her tray. Jonathan followed her handing her something. It looked like a disk and Tim guessed that it was Lucas's letters. 

"What was that all about?" asked Nathan nodding to the duo.

"Let's discuss it in my quarters," suggested Hudson shifting uncomfortably. Nathan watched him nodding. They stood together and moved to throw away the rest of their food.

"I need to go, too," added Tim standing. Jonathan looked at him questioningly. "I need to check on Ben."

"I can do that," offered Jonathan.

"No, I can do it." Jonathan nodded and Tim left the table.

 "Ben?" asked Tim quietly as he peaked into the room. He did not want to wake the other man if he was still sleeping.  "Ben!" He cried out as he caught sight of the demolished room. He rushed over to where Ben was crumpled against the wall. "What happened?"

"What did I do wrong?" asked Ben plaintively. "Why do they always leave me?"

"Shh, it's OK," murmured Tim pulling out his PAL. "Medbay, could you send someone to collect Mr. Krieg? Uh-huh. He's destroyed his room but he does not seem violent right now. OK, thanks." He sat there silently listening to Ben babble as he waited for the medics to arrive. He looked around the room. It looked like a small tornado had touched down in here. It was his fault he realized glancing down at the sobbing man. He should never have left Ben alone. 

"Tim?" asked Ben clutching at him suddenly. It was the first time he had used his name. 

"Shh, Ben. What is it?" He spoke gently hoping to keep him calm.

"Will you help me?"

"What do you need?" asked Tim cautiously. He would do anything to help his friend but knowing Ben's frame of mind right now the question made him nervous.

"Kill me," begged Ben. 

"What!" Tim sat back shocked. How could he say that? How could he suggest? 

"Please," pleaded Ben beginning to sob again. "It hurts. Please help me. Please kill me. They all want to leave me. Why can't I die too?"

"Don't say that, Ben. You don't want to die," argued Tim frightened. He was terrified for his friend. For the first time, the thought crossed his head that he might lose Ben too. Ben did not answer him. Instead he pressed his face into the floor, crying. Tim could not help feeling relieved when the medics arrived. He was overwhelmed by the situation and was completely at a loss as to how to help his friend. He hoped that they would be able to do a better job. Ben began to struggle as the first medics started to restrain him. 

"Get off!" he yelled. "Let me go! Let me go!" 

            Tim tried to stay out of the way of the flailing hands as he did his best to help hold his friend down. Eventually, one of the medics was able to insert a needle into Ben's arm releasing a sedative. Slowly, Ben's struggling began to weaken and he finally slumped into unconsciousness. They quickly loaded him onto a stretcher and Tim followed along behind them as they rolled him to MedBay.  Tim took a seat in the waiting room while they took him back to a room. Taking out his PAL, he called Jonathan.

            "Hello," answered Jonathan distractedly.

            "Hey, it's Tim. You might want to come down by MedBay." Tim could not keep the guilt he felt from leeching into his voice.

            "What happened? Who's hurt?" asked Jonathan nearing panic.

            "Ben destroyed his room," replied Tim unemotionally. "He didn't hurt himself but he was crying when I found him. He- he asked me to kill him!" said Tim his voice breaking.

            "Oh God. I'll be right down." Jonathan closed the connection as Tim sat back heavily. He closed his eyes trying to block out the emotional roller coaster he had been on the past few days. 

            "Lieutenant?" His eyes snapped open to find one of the nurses standing in front of him.  "Could you answer a few questions about Mr. Krieg?"

            "Sure," he replied tiredly sitting up straight. 'I wish everyone would leave me alone,' he thought to himself then felt another wave of guilt for thinking that.

            "We have partial access to his medical record due to the time he spent serving here on SeaQuest but there are several things we need to know. First of all, do you know if Mr. Krieg is on any medication at this time?"

            "I don't know," he answered truthfully. "I didn't see anything medications mixed in his luggage."

            "Thank you," she said jotting it down on her notepad. "Does Mr. Krieg have a history of mental illness?"

            "I'm not sure. He didn't when I knew him but a lot has changed since then. I think he might have suffered from some sort of breakdown while we were away."

            "Is there anyone who would know for sure?" Tim smiled humorlessly.

            "Lucas." Her eyes flickered towards the wing where Lucas was. The familiar half-grieving, half-sympathetic look came over her face. Tim nearly grimaced. He was getting so tired of that look. It seemed to be the only way people who had not been close to Lucas knew how to react to his friends.

            "In your opinion, Lieutenant, was Mr. Krieg a danger to himself?"

            "He didn't hurt himself when he very well could have," stated Tim softly, " but he did ask me to kill him."

            "So you believe he's suicidal?"

            "In that moment, he was," replied Tim. The nurse gave him a pitying glance and he realized that she thought he was in denial over his friend's behavior. In a way, he was but he also knew how very powerful grief could be. When Ben woke up, he might regret his words or he might still wish to fulfill them. Tim could not guess which it would be so he could not really answer the nurse's question.

            "Thank you, Lieutenant. You won't be allowed back to see Mr. Krieg for another half hour or so. He's still asleep from the medication. We'll probably keep him sedated for a few more hours."

            "Thanks." The nurse nodded to him then left him sitting alone in the waiting room again. Tim leaned back in the chair again. He closed his eyes for just a minute to rest them. He was exhausted and he had not slept much since the incident.

            "Tim," said Jonathan softly causing him to jump. His eyes snapped open and he blinked rapidly trying to convince himself that he had not fallen asleep. "Whoa. Easy."

            "Sorry," mumbled Tim, yawning.

            "When was the last time you slept?" asked Jonathan worriedly.

            "Don't worry about it. I'm fine," stated Tim irritably shaking off the concern.

            "Why don't you go lay down for a while?"

            "I want to wait here." Jonathan eyed him carefully.

            "How's Ben?" he asked innocently.

            "Sleeping. They said he won't wake up for several hours but we can go back and see him soon."  Jonathan waited quietly while Tim struggled to stay awake. He knew that Ford was looking for an excuse to send him to bed. In all honesty, he really could use a few hours sleep but he wanted to see Ben first. 

            "You can come back now," said a new nurse from the doorway. She led them back to the only sound protected room in MedBay. Ben was lying still on the bed. His chest rose and fell in a soothing rhythm. Sleep could not hide the fatigue and grief that was still evident on his face. Restraints at his hands and feet further ruined the peaceful picture.

            "I'm sorry," whispered Tim. "I should have stayed with you. I should have been there when you woke up."

            "You didn't do anything wrong," argued Jonathan.

            "Yes, I did," replied Tim quietly, refusing to set aside his guilt.

            "We have to ask you to leave again," stated the nurse apologetically a few minutes later. "We don't want Mr. Krieg's rest being disturbed." Tim followed Jonathan out of the room yawning again.

            "All right," said Jonathan in a voice that dared him to argue. "You've seen Ben now you are going to bed."

            "But-"

            "No buts. You need sleep."

            "OK. OK. I'll go lay down." Tim felt humiliated as Jonathan walked with him back to his room and watched him climb into bed. "I'm not a child, you know." 

            "I know," answered Jonathan seriously. "I just don't want you to wear yourself out worrying about everyone else." He smiled kindly. "I'll let you know when Ben wakes up."

            "Thanks."

            "Sleep well," said Jonathan pulling the door shut. Tim yawned again then closed his eyes and was asleep. A buzzing from his PAL woke him hours later.

            "Tim," he said groggily into the device.

            "Hey, Ben's awake. I'm going in to see him now," stated Jonathan.

            "OK," said Tim still slightly confused. "I'll be there soon." He sat up in his bed staring into space as he tried to pull himself together. He took a quick shower then put on some clean clothes before making his way down to MedBay. On the way, he passed Tony and Lonnie in the hall and spoke to them a moment. Jonathan was still in with Ben when he arrived. He took a seat by Ben's door listening to the murmur of voices from within the room.

 "How is he?" asked Tim as Jonathan emerged from Ben's room. 

"Better. He's not going to do anything stupid right now but I still don't want him alone. He's asking to see Lucas. I figured I had better go talk to a nurse before I took him somewhere." He rubbed his face tiredly.

"Would you like me to go in and sit with him for a while?"

"Please," he replied with relief. "Where's Tony?"

"Lonnie's with him. I think they're reading." Jonathan nodded then went to find the nurse. Tim knocked on the door to Ben's room.

"Come in," said Ben. Tim entered hesitantly not knowing what kind of reception to expect. 

"Hey," greeted Tim quietly when Ben did not say anything. . Ben glanced up then returned to staring at the wall.

"Hey," he replied just as quietly. The silence dragged out between them until it became uncomfortable. "I don't need a baby sitter, you know," he said bitterly. 

"I know. I'll leave if you want me to but it's hard being alone during a time like this. It's easier not to think about things when there are other people around you." His voice wavered slightly. "I-I don't really want to go back to my room right now." He knew that he would not be able to go back to sleep and he did not want to sit around with just his thoughts for company.

"I'm sorry. Stay." He glanced over at Tim. "I'll be OK," he offered.

"I won't be," replied Tim laughing slightly as he wiped yet another batch of tears from his eyes.

"Yes, you will."

"I hope so," he whispered softly. They fell silent again but this time it was a more comforting silence. 

"So how are you holding up?" 

"I don't know. I've been so busy worrying about everyone else that I do not think the worst has hit me yet."

"It did not really hit me until I read his letter."

"I have not read it yet," admitted Tim. "I guess maybe I don't want to admit that this is really happening."

"Read it," ordered Ben softly. "You don't want to wait until too late."

"I won't," promised Tim glancing at the other man. An understanding passed between the two of them that transcended words. "So how are you doing?" continued Tim.

"Better," answered Ben simply as Jonathan re-entered the room with a nurse in tow. 

"How are you feeling, Mr. Krieg?" asked the nurse.

"I am OK." She checked him over silently. "All right," she said. "I'm going to let you out of here now but I want you to take it easy. Here, take this." 

As she watched him swallow the pill, she moved closer to Tim and Jonathan. "It's just a light sedative," she reassured them quietly, speaking low so that Ben would not overhear her. "It should keep him relatively calm while he's visiting Lucas. It would be best if he went somewhere quiet to rest afterwards but try not to leave him alone."

"We'll take care of him." 

"Ready?" asked Tim looking at Ben. He nodded silently. He began to tremble slightly. "Come on," said Tim gently. He followed them docilely down the hall until they turned to enter Lucas's area. 

"I can't," he said suddenly bracing himself against the doorway to stop his movement. 

"Yes, you can," stated Jonathan firmly. Tim reached over and took Ben's hand silently reassuring him the way he would reassure a small child. Together, the three of them entered Lucas's room. 

"Lucas," breathed Ben softly stepping forward. The other two back off to let him talk to Lucas in relative privacy. 

"I should hate you, you know. I waited for you everyday for ten years. I never gave up hope. I never believed you were dead. The day I found out you were alive was one of the happiest days of my life. It was the one ray of sunshine in my bleak existence. Now you've taken that away and I may never see the sun again. I can't blame you though. I can't hate you. I understand what it's like when the pain consumes your existence and there does not seem to be any end. More than ever, I understand what it is like when you've crossed the last barrier and you can never go back. I understand what it is like to want to die." He paused wiping away his tears.

"You were wrong though. This was not the right way. You should not have done this. We would have helped you. It was not as hopeless as it seemed. You have hurt all of us more deeply than you could ever have imagined. We are the ones who have to live with your actions. We are the ones who have to help each other through the pain that you've caused. You are the one who has abandoned us. We would have been here for you if we had known. If you had let us. You were wrong but I forgive you. I forgive you for causing me pain. I forgive you for leaving me. I forgive you. I love you." 

Tim and Jonathan moved closer to stand behind Ben. They stared down at the silent, still figure. 'I love you, Lucas,' repeated Tim silently. He wiped at his tears again, realizing that he forgave Lucas for committing this act. God, the Bible….it did not matter. It still hurt that Lucas would do something like shooting himself but he forgave him.  

            "You ready to go?" asked Jonathan.

            "Yeah," said Ben softly. 

            "Are you hungry?" asked Tim.

            "Not really," replied Ben listlessly. "I think I'd just like to go to my room." Tim and Jonathan exchanged worried glances.

            "All right. I'll take you there. You know you'll be rooming with Tony now right?"

            "Yeah. The Commander asked me." Tim took Ben gently by the elbow and steered him down the hall. Jonathan silent met Tim's backward glance, mouthing, 'Good Luck.'

            "Hey," said Tony, looking up as they entered the room. Lonnie and him were seated at the table going over some papers. He stood walking over to shake Ben's hands. They eyed each other uncertainly. Neither was completely comfortable rooming with a stranger but it beat the alternative. 

            "I'll just leave you gentlemen to yourselves," said Lonnie, standing to leave.

            "Bye," Tim told her. "Jonathan should be alone right now."

            "Thanks." Tony and Ben turned to him as she left. He stared back wondering how on earth he was going to unite these two guys who so desperately needed each other. 

            "Well, we could start with introducing ourselves but you already know each other's name," said Tim with a slight smile as he plopped down in a chair. "Seriously, you two share the distinction of being Lucas's best friends. I know you can find a common ground."

            "Yeah, how much we loved him," said Tony softly.

            "I don't know. Lucas used to tell me stories of pranks you pulled. They reminded me of my own antics on SeaQuest."

            "Sorry but I don't really feel like being funny right now."

            "It doesn't have to be about the laughs," reminded Tim gently. "You both had a similar outlook on life. You've also been through a lot of maturing changes."

            "You can't float through life forever. Sooner or later you have to stand up and make something of yourself."

            "You want to be the one everyone respects instead of the screw-up." They looked at each other nodding at their complimentary statements. Their conversation developed from there. They discussed Lucas and what he was like on the different tours. They were discussing their careers and how they ended up on SeaQuest when Tim decided that they did not need his assistance any more. He quietly stood and exited the room being careful not to disturb them. He went to his room and stared at his computer toying with the idea of reading Lucas's letter. He still had not decided when there was a knock at his door. He answered it to find Jonathan standing on the other side.

            "The doctors have called a meeting in the wardroom. They'll begin as soon as everyone has gathered." Tim felt the blood drain from his face.

            "I'll be right there." Jonathan nodded and hurried off to inform the others. 

Tim entered the wardroom silently.  Lonnie was already seated at the table. She looked up at him through red, weeping eyes and he took a seat beside her. He knew that they were both worrying over the same thing. They were afraid they were going to tell him that he was dead. Tony and Ben took a seat to Tim's right. When Jonathan came in, he would sit beside Lonnie completing the group. Tim talked quietly with his friends trying to avoid any mention about the topic of the meeting. The Captain entered and sat watching them sadly. Eventually Jonathan came in with Captain Bridger. Everyone assembled; they waited. A hush fell over the room as Dr. Westphalen and Dr. Perry entered the room side by side. Coming to stand at the foot of the table, they faced the group.

"Gentlemen," began Dr. Perry. "I am sure that you all know the subject of this meeting." 

"We are Lucas's family. No one on this boat will deny this fact. As his family, we must make a very difficult, very important decision," stated Kristin in a quiet but firm voice. "Please consider the facts carefully. We do not have to reach a decision right away but we will have to decide." 

"As the swelling around Lucas's brain rose, the rate of brainwave activity dropped. We hoped that when the swelling stopped the rates would increase. Yesterday the swelling began to decrease but not only did the brainwave activity not increase, it continued to drop. Last night it fell below minimal function for life."

"We monitored him throughout the day but the readings stayed the same. Every test we have run has confirmed the results," said Kristin, taking over for Dr. Perry. "We still want to monitor him for another twenty-four hours but as of right now, Lucas Wolenczak is brain dead." Tim's thoughts froze turning the phrase over in his head. He could barely comprehend Kristin's words as she continued to speak. 

"Everything that was Lucas is gone. Physically, as long as we keep Lucas on life support, his body will continue to live. We have to decide whether to leave him on life support or to take him off and let him die."

"You want us to kill him!" shouted Tony standing up red-faced. A flash of pain flickered across Kristin's face. 

"Sit down, Mr. Piccolo," ordered Hudson. "The doctor is merely presenting our options."

"I'm with Tony," stated Ben softly. "We can't kill him."

"It wouldn't be killing him," argued Jonathan. "If he's brain dead, then he's already gone."

"We have to consider what Lucas wants," whispered Tim. He felt like he was betraying his friends but saying this but he could not deny that Lucas would want them to let him go.

"I do not think anything should be decided right now," asserted Dr. Perry.

"I don't know if I'll ever be able to make a decision like this," choked Nathan. Tim watched as he hurried out of the room. He sat there numb while the others moved around him. Jonathan continued to argue with Ben and Tony until the two finally stormed out of the room. Dimly, he wondered how much of their anger was a protection against other emotions. He wished he were angry. He wished he were crying. Instead, he just felt this numb emptiness that threatened to grow until it swallowed him. 

"Tim?" asked Lonnie from his left.

"Huh?"

"Are you OK?"

"How can you ask that?" he asked turning his grief stricken eyes in her direction. "How could I possibly be OK?"

"Oh, Tim!" She embraced him. "It's going to be all right."

"No it's not," he told her sadly. "He's going to die. He's dead already. It will never be all right again." He felt Lonnie stiffen beside him.

"Let me talk to him," said Kimura, the source of Lonnie's discomfort. Vaguely, Tim wondered when she had entered the meeting because he did not remember seeing her before then.

"Kim," he whispered in a tortured voice, tears catching in his throat.

"I know. I know," she said as he clutched at her. Lonnie slowly backed away letting Kimura take over although she remained watching. "You can let go."

"I can't."

"You took care of everyone else. Let me take care of you." She gently helped him up from his seat. Before he could really register what was going on, she had him at his quarters. As they entered the room, the numbness broke like a cloud releasing a rainstorm. All of his tears came rushing out and they sank to the floor. She rocked gently while he held her and cried. 

"I'm sorry," he said finally, embarrassed.

"Why?" she asked. He noticed the tear streaks glimmering on her face and did not reply. 

"I didn't get to read his letter," he said softly.

"So read it now. You can still say goodbye."

"But he's gone."

"How do you know? Maybe he's waiting around for you."

"Maybe." He did not make any move to get up.

"Where's the letter?"

"E-mail." Kimura moved him gently to the side and went over to his computer.

"What's the password?" she asked loading the e-mail program.

"Ortiz."

"Here it is," she sat down beside him with the computer. The letter was open on the screen. As much as he wanted to avoid it at the moment, he could not ignore it and almost against his will, he began to read.

Dear Tim,

            Of everyone, I've been worried about how you are going to react the most. I am so afraid that you are going to hate me. Even if I am not around to bear the brunt of it, I can not bear the thought of you hating me. I know that what I am doing goes against your beliefs. I know that you won't understand. I'm just asking you please don't hate me. I wasn't raised the way you were. Your religion isn't my own. This is the only option I have. Please forgive me. Please don't hate me for it.

I am sorry that I never let you know exactly how I felt. You were going through so many problems that I did not want to add to your burden. You couldn't have helped me so I did not see the point. I wish things could have been different for me, for you, for all of us.  You don't deserve the way Hudson is treating you. I told him so. Maybe it will help. You didn't deserve the whole Kimura fiasco.  She hurt you pretty badly even though she never meant to hurt anyone least of all you. I've been talking to her recently. I can see why you fell in love with her. She really is a special person. I hope things can eventually work out between the two of you. You both deserve happiness.

Thank you for listening and talking to me. Our talks kept me sane through some of the rougher times. Your friendship is something that I value greatly. I think perhaps you understand me the best. You've understood the problems I have had adjusting to the military. I wonder sometimes what could have possibly influenced you to sign up. You also understand what it is like to be singled out because of the way you think. You love learning, which is hard for most people to understand. For some reason, they just don't seem to have the thirst for knowledge.  And you listen. So many times, it was such a relief just to have someone to listen to me. No judgments. No advice. Just someone to listen. 

I thought sometimes that perhaps I had been placed on a ship of angels. I found a home here on SeaQuest. I found friends. Most of all, I found a family.  I am so glad that I had a chance to know you. Having known you and the others makes all of this worthwhile. You are the only reason I have made it this far. I can not thank you enough for being you. Thank you for letting me into your heart. I am sorry that I am going to betray your trust in this way.

If there had been another way, I would have taken it. There wasn't one. Don't blame yourself. Don't spend your time looking for something you could have done. There was no other choice. I am sorry that I am hurting you. I'm sorry that I can't stay around to listen to your problems. I am failing you as a friend by doing this. I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Please don't have me.

            Forever with love, your friend, Lucas

            "He can't go. I need him," sobbed Tim holding on to Kimura again.

            "I know. I know. I need him, too." 

            "I want to hate him," he confessed. "It has to feel better than this but I can't. It hurts so much but I can't blame him. I can't hate him. Why did he do this? Why?"

            "Because he was lost and confused and he couldn't see beyond his own pain. He couldn't see that this wasn't the answer."

            "He was so young! He had so much to live for! How could he go and throw it all away? How could he go and throw us all away?"

            "He didn't know. He knew that we loved him but he didn't really know. I don't believe that if he had really realized how much he meant to us that he would have done this."

            "Then it's our fault," he replied dejectedly. "If we had just shown him better, he would still be here."

            "It doesn't work like that," she argued gently. "Lucas just wasn't capable of seeing our love." She helped Tim to his feet. "Come on. Let's go say goodbye."

            "I can't. I can't!" He tried to jerk away from her.

            "Yes, you can," she said soothingly. She led him carefully out of the room. Slowly, they made their way down to MedBay ignoring everyone they passed. The room was already occupied when they got there.

            "I was just leaving," said Hudson after a glance at Tim. Tim did not notice his presence. He was completely focused on the figure in the bed. Kimura stepped back to let him be alone.

            "I'm sorry I waited so long to read your letter," he said softly. "It was a very nice letter. Really. I think I was pretending that as long as I didn't read the letter, you couldn't die. I wish life worked like that. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. You're right that I don't agree with what you did. Suicide wasn't the answer. Suicide is just an escape. It leaves everyone else to bear the burden.  But I don't hate you. I forgive you. I love you, Lucas. You are such a wonderful, amazing person. I just wish you could have realized this while you were still alive." He bowed his head for a moment. "Goodbye," he whispered, kissing Lucas softly on the forehead. He turned and left the room with Kimura on his heels. He did not stop walking until he reached the moonpool. Kimura wrapped her arms around him as they sat there by the water. 

            "Tim?" asked Tony softly as he entered the moonpool. He stopped in surprise as he sat Kimura then continued. "Captain Bridger's called a meeting. I think he's made a decision."

            "We're coming," answered Tim. They followed Tony down the corridor. The others had already arrived when they got there. They sat huddled with their friends as they waited for Bridger to speak.

"Gentlemen," began Kristin. "Captain Bridger has something he'd like to say."

"We have no choice," started Nathan staring at the room through desolate eyes. "We have to let Lucas go. It is painfully clear that we can not keep him here. He's slipping away from us as we speak. We have it in our power to grant his last wish. To allow him to die here on SeaQuest surrounded by his friends and family." He paused, wiping at the tears. "We have to let him go." 

            Silence greeted his statement. No one could argue with him. Regardless of their opinion, they could not tell Nathan no. Tim bowed his head. His shoulders shook as the tears poured down his cheeks. He knew that this was going to happen. He had just finished saying goodbye. But it hurt so much. It felt like he was losing him all over again.

            "What do we do now?" asked Lonnie finally.

            "I have a few tests to run but other than that when and where is up to you."

            "As soon as possible," said Tony. "I don't know how much longer I can go through this."

            "Please," echoed Nathan.

            "Can we move him to the moonpool?" asked Tim lifting his head. "He spent so much time there."

            "That's an excellent idea. There will be room for everyone there." She paused scanning the room. "I'll go run those tests then we'll move him and everyone can say goodbye." She left the room leaving them to sit in silent grief. Instinctively, they all clung to each other. When Nathan stood and made his way to Lucas's room, they all followed along after him. He began looking through the drawers while they piled into the small room. He smiled sadly as he pulled out Lucas's Florida Marlins jersey.

            "He'll be buried in his dress whites," he said choking over the word buried. "He should be wearing this now." He left to take the shirt to Kristin but they all remained. Stuffed together in the room, they began going through his belonging reminiscing over each item. They all cried as they passed around photos and played videos on his computer. The music that they used to dread sounded bittersweet. Any laughter held barely contained tears. Slowly one by one, they peeled away to say their goodbyes. Tim stood silently through his last visit with Lucas. He memorized every shadow on Lucas's face, every eyelash. He wanted to be able to put the image to paper later. Gently, he gave Lucas an awkward hug, whispering a prayer in his ear. 

            "Take him home, God." He paused one last time in the doorway. "Goodbye."

            He did not watch as they transported him to the moonpool. He entered with the rest of the group and crowded around him. Most of the equipment had been removed. Only the respirator, EKG and heart monitor remained. Even the bandage around his head had been removed. More than ever, he looked like he was merely sleeping. Everyone was there. Kristin stood by Nathan. She could not be a doctor at a moment like this. Tears poured down her cheeks as she waited, grieving. Jonathan and Lonnie held each other close getting support from their bond. Captain Hudson stood at attention. The streaks down his face were the only sign of his grief.  Tony and Ben stood together sobbing. Kimura moved closer to Tim and silently slid her arm around his waist. He glanced down at her briefly, pulling her closer. Even Dagwood stood by Darwin bobbing in the water. If a dolphin could be said to look sad, Darwin did. Dagwood wore a confused expression. Even though he was not completely sure what was going on, he knew that it was not good and it made him sad. Beyond the small group that had become a family, other members of the SeaQuest crew stood mourning. 

            Silently, Dr. Perry shut off the respirator. She quickly worked to remove the tubing from his airway. The EKG showed a miniscule surge of activity then went still again.

            "Lucas say thank you," came Darwin's voice causing everyone to jump.

            They waited breathlessly while tears poured down their cheeks. Lucas's chest rose and fell once. Again. The steady alarm from the heart monitor filled the room and his chest did not rise again. He was gone.


	13. Epilogue

On March 19th, 2033, Lucas Wolenczak died. For those of us who knew him, nothing would ever be the same. It was almost a surprise when the sun continued its journey across the sky. Somehow we could not imagine a day that ended without him. The funeral was held three days later. He was buried on Bridger's island with over a thousand people attending the private ceremony. 

I wrote this book almost a year after his death. It was my way of coming to terms with the loss.  I never intended this to be read by the public but Captain Bridger approached me asking me to tell Lucas's story.  After my first book; SeaQuest: The Legend, The Boat, The People; became so popular, I sat down to edit my manuscript. This book was the result. 

When SeaQuest set sail again after the funeral, Lieutenant Krieg accompanied us. He continued to serve until the SeaQuest was decommissioned in 2043. Captain Hudson resigned his Captainship following the signing of the Macronesian Peace Treaty  in 2035. He left his boat in Captain Ford's capable hands. The remaining crew stayed together for the rest of her time in the water. 

I wedded Heiko Kimura in a double ceremony with Jonathan Ford and Lonnie Henderson soon after our last tour. Heiko decided to legally change her name to Kim O'Neill in honor of Lucas's nickname for her. We are expecting our first child, a boy, next month. His name will be Frederick Miguel. We have already decided that if he has a little brother, his name will be Lucas. Most of us live near each other in the same neighborhood. Others are scattered around like Kristin and Nathan who come in for visits from their island. We are still a tight knit group. I do not think anything will change that.

We all miss Lucas. Not a day goes by that I don't think about him. I will always wonder what he could have accomplished if he had lived. We are missing out on so much by not having him in our lives. I can only hope that knowing what we went through might keep someone from making the same mistake he did. Maybe if he had known, this story would have been different.

Timothy O'Neill


	14. Author's Notes/ Alternate Faery Tale End...

Author's Notes:

I never intended this story to take as long as it did. Thank you to everyone who continued to read my story and continued to leave wonderful reviews during the long spans between updates. It was always my intention to complete this story but knowing that people were still out there wondering what happened next kept me trying to work through the parts that had me stuck. When I started this story, I did not have any idea if Lucas would live or die. While I tried to decide, the story continued to progress with Lucas deteriorating. Eventually it reached a point where I could not bring Lucas back to life without compromising the integrity of the story.  I was surprised by the response when I finally stated that he was brain dead. I honestly do not see how people did not see the progression. I guess it's just hard to imagine Lucas dying. I certainly had a hard time killing him. Because of all of the "OMG!! Lucas can't die!!" responses, I have decided to write an alternate ending. 

Thanks again to everyone who reviewed Nothing Left: Diena, Tara, Teresa, Tori Love, sj, Kitty, Jennifer, Silverwolf, jedik1, Sammie P., Polargirl17, Nicole, ns, pseudo, Gryffyn, Kristin, bhotanni, cat, Subaru, supergrl009, steffles, sad, Tazy_Silverpen, Joxer, shadylady, hollyleery, dani, Neth, Morgaine, Jessica, shadows of pain, ceredwen flame, cora, Purple Penguin, Laurie, knight_obi, LoP, Lucasfan, and Psycho Jane.

Alternate Faery Tale Ending:

"Nathan!" said Kristin shaking his shoulder excitedly. "Wake up! Wake up!"

            "Kristin?" asked Nathan groggily. He looked down at Lucas's body sighing in regret that it had all been a dream.

            "I've got wonderful news."

            "It doesn't matter," he said not really listening. "I've made my decision. We have to let him go."

            "But you don't have to!" she exclaimed. 

            "What?"

            "Remember when I said we needed to run some more tests to make sure?" He nodded not letting his hopes rise. "Well, our previous tests were wrong. He has normal brainwave activity!" Nathan let out a shout pulling her into a hug. 

            "That's wonderful!"

            "I know! It even looks like he's beginning to come out of his coma." He sat there grinning from ear to ear as she hurried off to inform the rest of the news. 

            "You're going to be fine," he told his son through tears of happiness. "You'll be just fine. I know it."

            The rest of the crew was, of course, overjoyed at the news. They continued to rotate their times by his side as he improved over the next few days. Almost a week after shooting himself in the head, Lucas opened his eyes and took a look around him.

            "Hey," he whispered hoarsely to Tim who was sitting by his side.

            "You're awake!" 

            "Yeah," he said smiling softly. 

            "You scared us so much!" said Tim hugging him fiercely.

            "I know. I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

            "Lucas," said Tim seriously. "I just want you to know that I love you."

            "Love you, too, Tim," said Lucas as his eyes drifted closed and he fell back asleep.

FIN


End file.
